Man Has Brain Aneurysm Caused By Drinking Thick Milkshake Through Straw

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STRATFORD, Connecticut –

A 37-year-old man died in a freak milkshake accident yesterday, after he suffered a brain aneurysm by trying to suck the thick liquid through a small straw. Jerry Miller of Stratford, Connecticut, is survived by his wife Melanie, 32.

“Jerry had just stopped at Wendy’s, and had picked up a milkshake. Well, I guess they call it a Frosty there,” said Melanie between sobs while speaking to reporters outside the local hospital. “Apparently he tried to drink the Frosty with a straw instead of eating it with a spoon like normal people, and the extreme suction caused a part of his brain to just ‘pop,’ or so the doctors tell me.”

Dr. Henry Feinstein says that this kind of injury is not as uncommon as you would think, as the human body is extremely fickle and prone to accidental death at the “most inopportune times.”

“Really, our bodies can just die off whenever – it can be from drinking a thick shake and having your brain have a tiny explosion, or you can be sitting on the toilet, and all of a sudden your bowels twist and whoop! You’re dead. Just as Maurice Gibb from the 70s band The Bee Gees. The guy died on the toilet! And not in a cool Elvis way, either. It’s really sad how you can just blink out.”

Wendy’s corporation spokesman Bill McNickle said that the company sends its condolences for the incident, and promises a free meal to Miller’s surviving wife and mother to make up for the ordeal.

“We are looking into the option of possibly thinning out our milkshakes to avoid future incidents,” said McKickle. ” At this point, though, we would just like to send our deepest sympathies to the family. There is a first time for everything, apparently.”

Charlie Sheen Duped By Horror Film Again! Turns ‘Snuff Movie’ Over To FBI

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

History is apparently repeating itself for Charlie Sheen. In 1991, the world-famous actor came into possession of a now-popular underground horror film from Japan titled Guinea Pig. The movie, which is graphically violent, depicts acts so real, that the actor believed that he was watching an actual snuff film, with people actually being killed on screen. He turned the film over to the FBI, who after an investigation probably had a good laugh at all the wasted tax dollars once they found out it was staged.

This year, a new version of the film, titled American Guinea Pig, was released after a successful crowdfunding campaign on Indiegogo.com. The new movie, which also features extreme scenes of violence, is set up, as was the original, to appear to be a real snuff film. The movie’s creators – one of whom is a special effects professional who has worked on many films over a long, successful career – purposely made the movie look as realistic as possible to appease a strong following of gore-hound fans.

According to reports, Charlie Sheen was given a burned, ‘bootleg’ copy of the movie on DVD, and was told that it was something real and “very underground.” After watching the film, Sheen reportedly turned the copy over to the FBI, again telling them he believed that he had found a real snuff movie, and that they should investigate.

Thankfully for the filmmakers, FBI investigation has come a long way since 1991, and a quick Google search revealed an IMDb page, crowdfunding campaign, and still images of the movie online. They informed Sheen that he had, once again, been fooled.

“Basically at this point, we are no longer going to be accepting any movies or leads on snuff films from Charlie Sheen,” said FBI director Marshall Givens. “He has proven to us that he cannot tell a movie from real life, and wasted our time, again, on a horror movie. Granted, American Guinea Pig was gory, but come on – it was awesome. Actually, the whole office got together after [Sheen] sent it to us, and we watched it, and we had a great time. Those gore effects were unbelievable. Obviously, there are no real snuff films, or we’d have found them by now. Unless you count Sheen in Terminal Velocity. Now that is some messed up stuff!”

“In 1991 Charlie Sheen was admittedly high as a kite on what he’s said was pounds of pure cocaine, ‘7-gram rocks,’ as he put it – which would be enough to kill a whale. A whale with a serious cocaine problem,” said special investigator on the case, Mark Belson. “Reportedly clean now, we did take his word that it was a real snuff movie this time, but no – he’s still getting easily duped by very realistic special effects and fake blood. Real blood, that is – not tiger’s blood.”

FBI investigators say that the creators of American Guinea Pig will, of course, face no charges for their film.

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEACONSFIELD, Iowa –

A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”

Congress In Talks To Completely Abolish Age of Consent Laws Throughout Country

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congressman Fisher Lewis (D- Delaware) has brought a bill to Washington that seeks to completely abolish the age of consent laws, putting a federal mandate on states that would force them to remove any rules from the books – as well as setting free prisoners who have been locked up for statutory rape offenses.

“Basically, I think that these laws for age of consent are nonsense,” said Lewis. “I don’t understand why we are putting laws on the books that dictate when a person should be ready for sexual intercourse. No one can decide that. It’s just silly, and I hope to reverse these laws nation wide.”

Lewis says that he became very concerned about the laws after his son, Michael, 17, was brought up on charges of statutory rape for having consensual sex with his 16-year-old girlfriend, Carrie.

“Michale and Carrie have been dating since they were 11,” said Lewis. “Seriously – they’ve been inseparable for years. Both of our families used to joke they’d be together one day, and then married. Here it is, 6 years later, and yes, they’re having sex. Have been for awhile. Michael came to me right away and we spoke of it. I’ve even spoken to Carrie, and know it was all consensual, of course. But, her staunch republican parents don’t like the idea all of a sudden, and Michael was arrested. It broke them both into tears for days.”

Lewis says that in his state of Delaware, a crime was committed, as the age of consent for both men and women is 18 – but in many other states, it would be no big deal.

“If they had been in New Hampshire, for example, then there’d be no issue – the AOC there is 16 for boys and girls. Are kids in New Hampshire that much more advance than my kids in Delaware? What’s the problem with this scenario?” Asked Lewis.

It’s true that states have different laws deciding when the children in that state are legally old enough to make decisions about their own sex lives, but most parents agree that abolishing the laws completely is ridiculous.

“Why don’t they just make it the same in every state? 16 across the board? or 18 across the board – who cares?” asked concerned parent Tanya Morris of Virginia. “Frankly, abolishing it completely frightens me. What if my 11-year-old daughter hooks up with some sweet-talking 40-year-old. Sure, it could be ‘consensual,’ but my God, I don’t want her to turn out like me – pregnant at 12 and hooking in the streets!”

So far, Lewis is undeterred in his quest to abolish the laws.

“It’s not even just about Michael, whose name I was able to clear using my power in Congress,” said Lewis. “It’s making sure that kids everywhere are free to bang it out whenever they personally decide they’re ready without having the threat of prison and sex-offender tag hanging over their heads.”

Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

Several fast food restaurants in Massachusetts and Rhode Island, including 2 Wendy’s locations, a McDonald’s, and a Taco Bell, were raided recently by DEA agents after a tip lead them to discover workers selling drugs through each restaurant’s 24-hour drive thru.

According to police reports, over a dozen arrests were made at local Providence fast food restaurants when DEA agents were given an anonymous tip that several fast food workers – some who actually had jobs at multiple locations – were providing marijuana, prescription pills, and even heroin along with a customer’s Big Mac and fries.

“About two months ago, it was brought to our attention that a minor female who worked the drive-thru counter at a local Wendy’s was selling marijuana, using the restaurant as a base,” said DEA agent Alex Jergens. “We watched several customers use the drive-thru as normal, ordering a regular meal, but asking for an ‘extra side’ of muenster cheese – something none of the restaurants have on their menus. This was the code word we were looking for, and we were able to take down the first person.”

From there, says Jergens, it was easy to spot the locations that were selling drugs.

“We would go through, ask for some food, and ask for extra Muenster. If they didn’t bat an eye or question it, 9 times out of 10 we’d get some drugs from them – unusually, they were even at ‘fast food’ pricing, super cheap. Sometimes though, they were just lazy employees who didn’t want to explain they didn’t have that cheese, and we’d get American on our burger like normal. That’s okay, we like food, too. Gotta eat, even while on the case.”

In total, 14 arrests were made, with 4 of the arrests already coming back in positive convictions for drug dealing.

“We really lucked out with this one. These restaurants, they’re the perfect cover for drug operations. I cant’ say I blame them for wanting to supplement their income. God knows that these kids, they’re making shit money working fast food, but still – the law is the law, and I gotta uphold it. I’m like the Judge Dredd of drugs, I like to say.”

All the restaurants involved say they are planning on performing “internal investigations” into the matter, and most say they are planning on hiring completely new staff from janitors through general managers.

Snapchat Adds New Feature For Adults Users To Send Nudes, Will Block Underage Sexting

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Snapchat, one of the most popular apps for Android and iPhone devices allows you to send a picture or text to someone who has up to 10 seconds to view it, before it is immediately deleted. The service, which was clearly designed for its users to send nudes back and forth, has fought through scandal in the past, as a hack found that the company was storing images on its servers. Many pictures were stolen and leaked to the internet, some of them quite risqué.

After several recent updates that added new options and emojis, Snapchat is set to launch another new feature – a separate section for ‘adults only,’ verified through a snap you send holding your ID next to your face, which will allow its users to send nude photos back and forth, and also be ‘tipped’ via coins which can be transitioned to real money, much like pornographic webcam services.

“This plan is fool proof,” said Snapchat spokesman Sam Clip. “With our new system, kids will no longer be able to send nudes. We are going to actually implement a software that will not allow someone to send a naked image if they have not sent us a snap of them proving their age. If they are under 18, the snap will automatically fail if they try and send it and any penises, breasts, or vaginas are visible. The software is so good, it will even block out a picture taken of another picture of nudity, whether it be in porn or of art.”

Young Snapchat users say that they are very disappointed that the service will no longer be allowing them to send nudes to their friends.

“I sent pics of my tits to like, every boy in my class,” said sophomore Meghan from Georgia. “I want them all to see how great I look naked. The more boys that see me naked, the more I’ll be popular in school. All my friends do it. Well, at least we did until this new update was announced. How are we going to get to be popular now? I guess I’ll just show them in person instead.”

Most parents say that they are happy that Snapchat is taking measures to protect the safety of their children.

“I bought my 12-year-old son a phone, and I expect the app companies to make sure he uses it properly,” said Marie Jacobs of Arizona. “If my Freddy is sending out…dick pics…then Snapchat should stop him. I don’t want him to lose any chance at a life because pictures of his little wiener are out in the ether and on the web.”

Snapchat is expected to roll out the update by the end of April.

Bill Gates To Appear On Next Season of ABC Show ‘Shark Tank’

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Although they had tried to keep the news quiet, ABC recently confirmed rumors that the world’s richest man, Bill Gates, the former chairman of Microsoft Computers, would be a guest on their hit TV series Shark Tank.

“We are super, super excited to get Bill Gates onto our show,” said producer Ryan Miller. “He’s the richest man in the world, worth over $52 billion dollars. He could theoretically invest in any product that comes his way, and whether it’s a winner or a loser, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest – he’d still be the richest man in the world.”

Fans of the show they are very excited to see Gates on the series, as he is well known for his extreme generosity when it comes to charities and investments.

“It’s going to be so cool! I hope he invests in everything,” said fan Marsha Tyler on the Shark Tank Facebook page. “He’s literally the American dream – build something, steal some things, drop out of college, and burn your way to the top. It’s amazing!”

Several people, though, are not as enthusiastic about Gates coming onto the show – the current panel of “Shark” Investors.

Marc Cuban, who is the only billionaire sitting regularly on the panel, says there is already animosity towards him because he is more wealthy than all the other sharks – combined.

“They already hate me because I make great business decisions, and I’m worth more money than all of them together,” Said Cuban. “Personally, I appreciate when others have success, even if it’s more success than me. I’m super happy to have Bill come on the show – but I know the others will be insanely jealous. Even the super-rich get jealous of those that have more than they do.”

Other guests on the show have included comedian and entrepreneur Jeff Foxworthy, who has an estimated net worth of $100 million, and GoPro Camera inventor Nicholas Woodman, who is the wealthiest investor to appear on the show so far, worth over $3.5 billion. Mark Cuban is worth an estimated $2.7 billion.

Bill Gates says he is “excited” to be on the show, but doesn’t know what he is looking to invest in, but hopes that at least one of the companies has created a new, better prophylactic.

Will Ferrell Apologizes For Making So Many Unwatchable Movies

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Comedian Will Ferrell, best known for making completely horrendous comedies that, somehow, do ridiculous box office numbers, recently apologized publicly for his string of just straight unwatchable films.

“I know that I’ve yet to make a really great, unforgettable movie, and I’m sorry for that,” said Ferrell to the Hollywood Outsider Magazine. “It’s hard pretending to be funny all the time. I constantly have to surround myself with great comedy writers and an amazing supporting cast. I want people to leave one of my worthless movies and think it was hilarious. I’m trying, but I know I’m failing hard. I wish I could do more, but so far, it’s just been mediocre luck.”

Ferrell’s most recent movie, Get Hard, co-starring comedian Kevin Hart, has been ripped apart by critics for being racist, homophobic, and worst of all, totally unfunny.

“It’s hard to make a really great movie when you’re just showing up and obviously phoning it in,” said film reviewer Mark Lipson of FilmOnFire.gov. “Ferrell says he tries so hard for the laughs, but you wouldn’t know it watching him, as every movie he just plays dumb schlock after dumb schlock, and you feel no pity for him whatsoever. I was hoping he’d end up in prison during Get Hard, so at least the movie might just end.”

Ferrell says that he plans to try and make more “good” movies, with actual acting and stories, which he says he’s come close to doing previously with movies like Everything Must Go and Stranger Than Fiction.

“I made a couple black comedies, dramas,” said Ferrell. “They were box office bombs, but at least I could stretch my acting legs a bit, and show off that I could do more than play an unlikeable moron. I hope to do more good movies down the road.”

Ferrell says that he also plans to be nicer to fans, and perhaps become more friendly when they approach him for pictures or signatures. According to Autograph Magazine, which ranks celebrities on their level of approachability for fans and autograph seekers, Ferrell consistently ranks on their “worst” list, despite being someone that most fans seem to think would be nice because of his doltish roles.

“He mocks people, taunts and embarrasses them when they ask for autographs,” says Autograph Magazine.

“Yeah, I guess I should try and care about fans a bit more, too,” said Ferrell. “After all, they’re the ones who for some reason keep paying money to see my movies. They’re the ones who’ve afforded me a nice house and a driveway full of Prisuses. I am sorry for not living up to the fans’ expectations on any level.”

Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A couple from Phoenix, Maryland, is taking their lawsuit to the supreme court, after they say that their tattoo artist failed to warn them that the beautiful markings they’ve been getting for years on their skin could cause their children to develop autism.

In the last few years, anti-vaxxers – parents who refuse to vaccinate their children against infectious disease despite sound medical advice on the off chance their child might develop autism – have made national headlines for their general ignorance, and resounding ability to deny logical medical and scientific advice and research.

This case, though, marks the first time that anyone has been concerned over tattoos being linked to autism, a serious mental and cognitive disorder that affects an estimated 1 in 68 children. Stephen and Melissa Slotth, of Maryland, say that their full-sleeve tattoos could potential cause a rift in their future family.

“We don’t have kids yet, but we want to,” said Melissa, 28. “We are trying to conceive. Well, we were trying, until it was brought to our attention that tattoos could possibly cause our child to be Autistic. That’s something we cannot have happen, and we are suing our tattoo artist, his shop, and the American Medical Association for not making this information public sooner.”

According to Melissa, she read an article once on “some website somewhere,” that said that there is a chance that trauma can cause the baby to be born Autistic.

“I’ve had a ton of trauma in the case of all my tattoos,” said Melissa. “My husband Stephen has, too. We don’t want our baby to be born Autistic. What would we do with it? We’d have to put it in a home and try for a regular one, and that’s just time and money and effort we don’t have.”

“We think we have a good case against our tattoo artist, although we are having trouble finding a lawyer to take the case,” said Stephen, 31. “Still, it is worth fighting this battle over so that the public hears our story and knows that if they want babies that aren’t born with mental problems, they shouldn’t get tattooed.”

“According to, well, pretty much everyone who has ever studied anything relating to Autism, prevention, and causes, the Slotths are, for lack of a better term, completely fucking stupid,” said Dr. Charles Greene of the AMA. “Tattoos aren’t going to cause Autism. For crying out loud, you could literally tattoo your baby as it came out and it wouldn’t be any more likely to develop Autism. Please, people – vaccinate your kids. Get tattoos. Live your life. If you want to have a family, have a family. Stop buying into the Slotths and the Jim Carreys and the Jenny McCarthys of the world, and read a book. Learn. You’ll see – everything will be fine. Hell in a handbasket.”

Marilyn Manson Threatens To Sue Denny’s Restaurants After They ‘Allowed’ Him To Be Assaulted While Dining There

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ALBERTA, BC, Canada –

Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker known for his outlandish stage shows and dark and brooding songs and lyrics, was recently assaulted at an Alberta, Canada Denny’s restaurant by another patron. According to reports from the assailant, Manson had made rude comments about the man’s girlfriend, and he punched him after Manson allegedly called her a ‘bitch.’ According to Manson’s management, that’s not how the altercation started.

Manson’s manager claims that Manson was posing for pictures in the restaurant after a late-night concert, when the assailant ‘came out of nowhere’ and punched him in the face. Police reports say that at least three people were involved in the incident, but no one was charged. Manson’s manager said that Manson plans on pressing charges against his attacker, but it appears now he is taking it further.

“I’m going to sue the shit out of that Denny’s,” said Manson during a morning radio interview in Alberta. “If I had been anywhere else, like a hotel or a private club, and someone tried to swing on me, security would have stepped in and beat his ass. At Denny’s, they’re too busy fucking up the drunk at the next table’s order of Moons Over My Hammy and refilling my shitty coffee to worry about stopping a famous celebrity from getting punched in the face. It’s ridiculous.”

Manson was reportedly not seriously injured in the altercation, but is seeking heavy damages.

“Damn right they deserve to pay, I could have been seriously hurt or killed. I’m not as young and spry as I used to be, and I bruise easily in my old age. The guy who hit me, he’ll get his turn in court, too, but Denny’s – I’m coming for you, and all your breakfast money.”

A spokesperson for Denny’s corporate attorneys, George Omlet and Richard Egg, could not be reached for comment. Lawyers for Manson say they think he has a “strong case.”