Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming ‘Deadpool,’ Destroys Car With Bare Hands

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VANCOUVER, BC, Canada –

Movie star Ryan Reynolds was hit by a car in an apparent hit-and-run while filming on location in Vancouver, Canada for his new movie Deadpool. The star, whose film credits include The Proposal and The Green Lantern, reportedly was struck and knocked down while on a downtown street in Vancouver.

According to witnesses on the scene, several people rushed to help Reynolds, but he sprung to his feet and chased after the car, leaping over other vehicles, a fence, and by hanging onto the back of a city bus. He caught up with the car only 14 blocks from where he was struck.

“Basically, when I finally caught up the car, I yanked the driver out of his seat, and immediately went to work at kicking his ass,” said Reynolds. “Not the guy, mind you. The car. It was this stupid, ugly, yellow Prius, and honestly, it just pissed me off so much. I beat that car’s ass with my bare hands.”

The car was left nearly totaled, after the actor, who reportedly put on over 20 pounds of pure muscle to play the dark, smartass anti-hero in his new film, punched and kicked out the windows, lights, windshield, and ripped off each door.

“The guy just kind of stared at me as it happened, but you know, he deserved it,” said Reynolds. “I found out later that he loved that car more than anything in the world, but you know, if you hit someone, and then you’re too much of a coward to face the music and you try and leave the scene, well – you deserve to have everything you love taken from you. I’ll take it from you. With my bare goddamned hands.”

The driver refused to press charges on Reynolds for destroying his property. Reynolds says that the man has ‘suffered enough,’ and will not be pressing charges, either.

Deadpool is scheduled for release in 2016, with fans clamoring for the Marvel character to make his R-rated debut on the big screen. Reynolds previously played the character – sort of – in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Director Michelle MacLaren Leaves ‘Wonder Woman’ Film, Studio Scrambles To Replace Her With Man

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Film director Michelle MacLaren has reportedly parted ways with the studio over creative differences on the film Wonder Woman. As the studio scrambles to find another director to replace her, executives at Marvel say they are ‘so glad’ that they can put a man at the helm now.

“Basically, what’s happened is that we’ve shown that a woman cannot handle a film of this magnitude, with a character this iconic,” said a Marvel executive, speaking anoymously. “We always wanted a man to be in place as director, because – well, men can do this job, and women can’t. Which should be obvious by the extremely small list of female directors that there are period, let alone the number who have successful careers or Oscar wins.”

According to insider reports, the studio is hoping to be able to get someone for ‘cheap money,’ but that can accomplish the job in the ‘way that they wish.’ Names that have been thrown around so far include indie horror director David Robert Miller, whose current film It Follows is generating tons of buzz, as well as former directing superstar Spike Lee.

“The problem with those guys, though, is really just a matter of preference. Miller could do it, but he’s hot right now, It Follows is destroying critic expectations and is making huge money on a nothing budget – so he could ask for more money than we feel like paying,” said the executive. “Spike Lee – well, he’s a guy, yeah, and that’s what we want, but he’s also a little ‘too black,’ if you know what I mean. I mean I’m cool with black people, but he’s like, extra black. And his movies, they sound a little too ethnic for a comic book movie.”

Until the film has another director, production will presumably be put on hold. The film is not slated for release until 2017.

New Study Proves Taking A Shower Immediately After Sex Will Prevent STDs

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical Center have discovered a link between cleanliness and STD prevention. According to Dr. Richard Long, after sex with a partner of ‘unknown STD status,’ a regular shower using soap, hot water, and regular shampoo and conditioner, can completely wash away any and all sexually transmitted diseases.

“Basically, it’s really quite simple,” said Long. “If you’re happily humping away with some boy or some girl whose sexual history you don’t know, or who you cannot completely trust to be telling you the truth, just immediately go and take a hot shower after intercourse. If you can manage to get into the shower within 2 minutes of orgasm, you are nearly 100% likely to wash away any STDs you may have been at risk in contracting.”

Long says they tested the theory by having men and women have sex with people who were positively infected with genital herpes, Gonorrhea, crabs, and syphilis. Of the 50 men and 50 women who were exposed via unprotected sex during the study, all were told to continue until climax, and then immediately shower. None of the exposed became infected with an STD.

“We aren’t really sure if we had to make them go until they climaxed, but they weren’t getting paid for this study, so we figured they should get something out of it,” said Long. “That said, though, none of our participants left with an STD. Well, the 50 men and 50 women who had an STD when they came in left with one, but that’s not what I meant.”

Long says that they plan to publish the full study in the next issue of Medical Science Yearly. In the meantime, he says that he hopes that young people “continue to abstain as much as possible, just in case.”

Woman Terrified of Being Raped Has Her Vagina Surgically Sewn Shut

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A college Sophomore in Idaho has reportedly had her vagina sewn shut by a cosmetic surgeon, after she learned about rape statistics in one of her courses.

“Did you know that 1 in 3 women will be raped or sexually assaulted in her lifetime?” said college Sophomore Desiree Price, 20. “Statistically speaking, I am even more likely to be that 1 in 3, since I’m super hot and often walk along through the campus late at night on my way back from my stripper job. So I knew something had to be done.”

Price says she originally started by carrying mace in her purse, but still didn’t feel safe enough.

“I took self defense classes, bought a gun, learned to shoot – but still, nothing was making me feel safe. I knew some guy, at some point, was going to rape me. Every guy will rape if given the opportunity, that’s a fact. I learned it in my Current State of Feminism class. So, I took a drastic step.”

Price says she never wanted to have kids, so she had no reason to have an open vagina.

“I went ahead and had my ovaries and my tubes all completely removed. I no longer have a menses every month. They have built a small, tube like funnel made of skin taken from my calf, and attached it to my urethra so it sticks out, sort of like a penis I guess. I can still reach my clit so that guys who I want to touch me can touch it, or like, whatever, and I can touch it, but that’s it. If a guy tries to stick his thing in there, he’s going to be pleasantly surprised to find that there’s nowhere to stick it.”

According to Price’s mother, Victoria, she’s “very proud” of her daughter for doing what she needs to do to protect herself.

“Desiree has always been a smart girl, and knows what she wants,” said Victoria from her home in Phoenix, Arizona. “If she wants to cosmetically close her V, that’s her business. I’m just happy to know she’ll be safe from penetration from here on out.”

Price’s step-father, George Durkee, says he thinks his step-daughter is a complete and total moron.

“The dumb bitch still has another hole down there to get penetrated if some unlucky guy decides to rape her,” said Durkee. “If there’s any hole she should have had plugged, it’s that one in her face. The only thing I’m grateful for is that she can no longer breed. Amen to that!”

Man Sets World Record By Staying Awake For 19 Straight Days

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

A Flint resident, Mitchell Royale, 28, has set a new, unsanctioned world record for most time spent awake, at a total of 19 days, 3 hours, 26 minutes, and 14 seconds.

“The record is only unsanctioned because it’s too dangerous for Guinness to keep a record of anymore,” said timekeeper and friend Kenneth Foyer. “Mitchell really went hard on this challenge. He tried once a year ago, but only made it 7 days, not enough for a record.”

The previous record, held by Randy Gardner and set when he was only 17, was just over 11 days. Royale beat that time by over a week.

“He didn’t take any drugs at all, no coffee even, no caffeine. He just sat here binge watching shows on Netflix,” said Foyer. “I can’t believe he went as long as he did. When I was taking my shift sleeping, we had another time keeper, Gail, here with us. She says that Mitchell never even looked tired. He just kept hitting the ‘yes I’m still watching’ option on the remote, and caught up on like 7 different TV series.”

After setting the new record, Mitchell celebrated by instantly dropping dead of heart failure. He would have been 29 in June.

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As ‘It’s 2015’

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Patrons in the Best Buy in Salt Lake City were surprised recently when the store informed them that were changing their policies on payment, and would no longer be accepting checks for purchases.

“I could’t believe it,” said Mary Hutton, 82, who was there to buy a new washing machine. “They said that they took cash, credit, or debit, but no longer took checks. I was shocked. I still am. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Best Buy, as well as several other retailers, say the answer is simple – it’s 2015, and checks have been a dead payment format for decades.

“Ever since banks started issuing debit cards with every checking account, the only people who have used checks are old women and people who are floating a check because they don’t have the money in their account to cover the purchase yet – or they don’t have it at all, and are committing a crime,” said Best Buy CFO Tim Lorde. “Either way, we have no use for checks.”

Employees of several locations say they are extremely happy that the stores have stopped taking checks, as the process for accepting them is extremely slow, and more often than not, the checks are declined anyway.

“We took checks, and just ran them, essentially, like a debit card,” said Best Buy employee Molly Hamlin. “It would be instantly approved or denied. Of course, people didn’t know that, and they were trying to get something for nothing when they had no cash in their accounts, and they’d get declined – then they’d get mad at me, like it was my fault their broke ass couldn’t afford a new TV. Sorry, but pay in cash or by credit like a normal person.”

Many grocery stores and department stores are also starting to phase out check systems in their stores.

“We really want everyone to just pay, and get the hell out,” said grocery store manager Troy Lippit. “Checks slow everyone down. You can see these old women coming in, every Sunday, buying a gallon of milk and having to write a check while behind them a line of people forms, angrily staring her down wondering why she hasn’t gotten into the next century.”

According to banking professionals, checks should be completely obsolete by 2017, with most stores not accepting them by next year. They will, at that point, only be used to pay rent.

Oreo To Change Color Of Cookies To Combat Rumors Of Racism

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHELSEA, New York –

Oreo, America’s favorite chocolate cookies with the cream center, announced today that they would be changing the color of their cookies after rumors of racist behavior by the company.

“We have received threats against out headquarters and factories, alleging that the cookies we make are representative of two black men sexually assaulting a white woman, based on our chocolate cookies with the white cream,” said Oreo representative Vanessa Jill. “Although we obviously think these rumors are stupid and baseless, we can’t have people threaten our company and employees and not take action. As such, we have decided to change the color of our cookies to show that they are in no way racist or sex related.”

According to Jill, Oreo – which is owned by Nabisco – plans to change the color of their cookies to a lightly-toned magenta, almost a ‘hazy purple,’ a color they say they have researched and determined that no one ethnicity lays claim to.

“We have been dyeing our cookies that dark black since the beginning, and we’ve always been able to change the cream color depending on the flavor of any special edition,” said Jill. “We will now begin dyeing the cookies magenta, in hopes that no one will be offended by our cookies anymore.”

“That is so offensive, like, ohmygod,” said LGBT Alliance member Charlie Day. “I mean, it’s totally clear that Oreo is trying to make a gay reference, putting two hot pink cookies outside of a nice, white filling. Obviously they’re trying to rile up us gays, and it’s working. We will definitely be fighting this choice, and pushing for more neutral colors.”

“Oh give me a Goddamn break,” said Jill. “It’s a cookie. Just eat it, and shut the hell up already.”

Panasonic Creates First 250-Inch TV For Home Consumers

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Panasonic has announced this week their biggest venture yet – a 250-inch HDTV that they plan to release for the home market in time for the holiday season. The model, which they are calling Megasonic, will reportedly retail for $1.1 million.

“Clearly this is not the TV for the lowly, minimum-wage paid worker,” said Panasonic spokesman Carl Sukayama. “Those people can still get our other TVs on Black Friday for $99.99 or whatever. This TV is for the TV Gods, and we plan on making sure that people love it, and we’re making it perfect. We have to, because frankly, most people will have to remove a wall to get it in their homes.”

Full specs of the TV were not immediately made available, but Sukayama did say that it would have “ample HDMI” connections, as well as be 4k-HD compatible.

“This TV needs to be a super-high resolution, because if you’re watching a movie on it, you’re going to see everything – every wart, every pimple, every scar. We want those imperfections of today’s hottest actors to be seen in the highest possible display quality. When we begin showing the screen images, you will be blown away.”

Sukayama says that he hopes that by Christmas of 2016, a full year after they plan to launch, that at least a quarter of a million homes throughout the US will have one.

“I know everyone already skips movie theatres and downloads their movies or streams on Netflix. Get this TV, and you’ll never have to go to the movies again.”

Reportedly, the TV will have the ability to pick up SD or HD signals, accept inputs from up to 15 devices, be wi-fi and bluetooth compatible, transform into a small car, and teach your children foreign languages.

‘Game of Thrones’ Season 5 Episodes Leak To Torrent Sites; Internet Collectively Shits Itself

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The first 5 episodes of the fifth season of Game of Thrones was leaked to the internet earlier this week, and the internet immediately shit its pants with excitement over the news. Many people were clamoring to torrent websites to download the episodes, which were not scheduled to air until April 12th, but had hit the internet on April 10th.

As of this writing, over 45,000 people were seeding, or sharing, each of the 5 episodes on the popular filesharing website bigtorrent.org, and on website Shwashbuckle.net, each episode was being shared by as many as a quarter of a million users.

“We aren’t happy at all that this happened, nope, not a bit,” said HBO spokesman Jim Dugan. “We definitely didn’t leak the episodes ourself for publicity for the show, no, definitely not. And we will argue vehemently with anyone who says otherwise. This show leak is horrible for us. It’s definitely not going to drum up excitement for the rest of the series, causing people to subscribe to us via cable our encourage them to purchase our new network, HBONow, which has every single episode of every single show we have, as well as all the great HBO movies you’ve come to expect from us. Hell no, not a chance.”

Most people who have watched the episodes and reported on them throughout websites and forums, say that the show is still just as good as it’s always been.

“Yeah, I watched them, they were pretty good,” said torrent user MegaCock4UBabez6969. “I mean, the quality wasn’t HD, which pissed me off. But whatever, the episodes were good. There were tits, and there was blood, so I’m happy.”

HBO executives say that they have no plans to release the episodes any sooner just because of the internet leak.

TRUE VIRAL NEWS: Maine Woman Runs Over Boyfriend After Catching Him Attempting To Molest Child

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NOBLEBORO, Maine –

A woman in Maine was arrested after running over her boyfriend with a car last Saturday. She alleges that she caught him attempting to sexually assault a 12-year-old girl.

From the NBC news affiliate in Portland, ME:

“Linda Currier, 53, and 48-year-old James Oliver, a convicted sex offender, started fighting around 11:30 p.m. after Currier saw the attempted assault at a Nobleboro residence on East Neck Road. The fight continued outside the home and Currier allegedly ran over Oliver with a car. Deputies said all adults at the home had been drinking prior to the incident.”

Sheriff Todd Brackett with Lincoln County said, “We can’t tell too many details about the case, there were other adults at the residence or in the residence so she wasn’t completely alone in this particular situation.”

Police arrested Currier for assault. Oliver was taken to a local hospital, and later arrested on charges of attempted gross sexual assault, unlawful sexual touching and failing to comply with the sex offender registration act for not updating his address. According to the Maine Sex Offender Registry, Oliver was previously convicted of sexual abuse of a minor and rape.

You can read more on this true story at: Sheriff: woman runs over man after attempted sexual assault