Fast Food Giant McDonald’s To Begin Selling Weed In Colorado, Washington

Fast Food Giant McDonald's To Begin Selling Weed In Colorado, Washington

TACOMA, Washington – 

Fast food chain McDonald’s has become the first franchise in its industry to announce its intention to sell weed in outlets across the country. The corporation will apparently begin this new phase in Colorado and Washington, where recreational use of the substance is legal.

“We’ll be stocking over 20 different strains, which is I’m sure very exciting for the public. It will also come in different forms, i.e. joints as well as cooked into certain meals,” head of operations for McDonald’s in Washington told the press. “There’ll of course be conditions attached so as the service is not abused by our customers. For example, the classic marijuana brownies will only be available as part of what we are calling a ‘Super-happy Meal’. Also, blunts will only be sold to those who take advantage of our new-look loyalty cards, available now at a store near you.”

Conservatives around America have condemned McDonald’s, stating that they are using a “legalization which is already killing our country to be even more acceptable and accessible. Now, not only will their food be causing obesity and heart attacks, it will be leading consumers to make irresponsible and impulsive decisions.”

The nation’s stoners have come out in vast numbers in support of the venture.

“Dude, that’s so cool,” said some guy when we informed him of the development. “Now we can get our weed and munchies at the same place and time. That’s one less trip we’ll have to make, one less time we’ll have to leave the basement.”

A few, however, have not been so ‘chilled’.

“Oh God,” said Victor Hashwood. “Now there’s gonna be all sorts of dilettante thinking they’re all cool just because they got weed at McDonald’s. Those sorta dudes don’t even care about the cause. They don’t care about the lifestyle. They just want instant gratification.”

When asked his opinion on how marijuana sales could be regulated to curb this problem, Hashwood looked at us with glazed eyes and said, “Huh?” He then passed his joint to our reporter, who chose to end the interview in a deep discussion about the meaning of existence.

Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium During Upcoming Season

DENVER, Colorado – Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium Next Season

With marijuana legalization in effect in Colorado, and weed laws becoming lax in several other states throughout the country, major sports organizations say they are looking for ways to cash in on pot smokers who come to their games.

Sources are reporting that Major League Baseball’s Colorado Rockies plan to sell food items which contain marijuana at concession stands during games next season. The first item on the list? Pot Brownies, of course.

An official within the Rockies organization stated that the ball club has given the green-light to their concession company to begin sell marijuana brownies, cookies, cakes, and other pastries in the 2015 season.

High-ranking officials in the Rockies organization say they are thrilled at the new menu items, since they note that it will bring in tens of thousands of dollars per month.

“We are so thankful that the great people of Colorado voted in this measure to allow marijuana to be legalized throughout the state,” said Rockies spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, fans of the Colorado Rockies can come to the game, enjoy a beer, a dog, and then a nice dessert that will ease them into the 7th inning stretch.”

The Rockies head office is hoping that the sale of marijuana pastries will also boost sales of other concession items, as they say there is “no better way” to enjoy a Colorado Rockies game than high, and with a good “case of the munchies.”

Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Prostitution Throughout The State

BOULDER, Colorado – Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Statewide Prostitution

The people of Colorado overwhelmingly passed amendment P-69, better known as the ‘Freedom To Work Act’, yesterday afternoon in state voting. The little known amendment had not seen much press, and the politicians that sponsored the amendment have no idea how it got on the ballot.

“Potter and I wrote the amendment at a bachelor party as a joke, we were both pretty drunk and at the time and it was getting annoying proving to the girls we weren’t cops,” said Rep. Brian Brown. “Apparently, though, the people have spoken – or in this case voted, and amendment P-69 has legalized prostitution in the great state of Colorado. The only two possibilities are the name of the amendment was deceiving and people had no idea what they were voting for, or 87% of Coloradan’s are in favor or prostitution. This is why I urged people not to vote stoned.”

It’s going to nice not having to worry about getting arrested anymore. One of my friends is getting t-shirts made that say, ‘I’m a Prostitute – ask for prices!'” said working girl Havana Humphrey. “Me, I’m going to set up a business in my house, it will be just like a doctor’s office with a waiting room and magazines, except instead of anal probes and cancer screenings, we’ll give blowjobs. Actually, on second thought, we’ll give anal probes, too. That costs extra though.”

“I had no idea, amendment P-69 sounded good, I mean ‘freedom,’ ‘work,’ – those are good things, right?” asked Wilma Wilson, an 89-year-old retired nurse.”I had no idea it was about prostitution, this state is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell ya. First the marijuana and now this – what’s next, public nudity? I’m packing up and moving to Florida where people still have some good sense.”

Colorado Becomes First State To Legalize Crystal Meth

DENVER, Colorado – empire-news-colorado-becomes-first-state-to-legalize-crystal-meth

Colorado has been in the news all year for being the first state to legalize marijuana for recreational use, and it looks as though the state is at it again, but this time with a different, and slightly more controversial, drug. The Colorado state legislature has decided to legalize the street drug crystal meth.

Crystal meth is a highly addictive drug that send millions to rehab or to their deaths each year. Meth has been around for years, but became extremely popular after the Showtime TV series Breaking Bad hit the air. While producers only cared about the show brining in huge ratings, everyone ignored the fact that it was also brining in thousands and thousands of new users to the drug. Local venders have been selling the drug for medical purposes in Colorado for a few days, and claim that it has plenty of medical benefits  when used the right way.

“If you are a lazy natured person, meth can give you that boost coffee can’t and you can get a lot done.” Said a local meth vender who wished to remain anonymous.

With the drug becoming legal in Colorado, some would ask how this may effect the sales of marijuana. Pot venders appear to be upset, while their customers couldn’t be happier about the move that the state made.

“Finally! I mean it was cool to smoke weed in the middle of the streets for about a week, but everyone knows weed is just a gateway, and I really needed them to legalize a better drug that will get me really high.” Said Boulder resident Mike Sherman.

It is unclear if this bill will stay in place for long, as opposing parties are already trying to tear it down. Politicians behind it are claiming it is simply a supply-and-demand issue.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States.” Said Colorado representative John Spector (D). “Marijuana, meth – what’s the difference? The revenue the state is bringing in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.