New ‘Super Poison Ivy’ Is Spreading Across The United States – Why You DON’T Want To Touch This Plant!

BOISE, Idaho – 

A new strain of poison ivy has been spotted in 11 states throughout the country, and botanists and scientists are completely baffled as to where it came from.

According to hospital reports, 86 cases of rash – and worse – have been reported from the new strain of poison ivy, but the problem isn’t so much of how it’s affecting people, but where.

“This new poison ivy, it only affects the genitals,” said Dr. Kenneth Morse of Boise Medical Center. “No matter where a person touches the plant on their body – be it with a hand or a foot, or rubbing against a bare leg – the symptoms only appear on the genitals.”

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Of the 86 cases so far, 83 of them have been males, and most have seen symptoms ranging from small, red itchy dots on their penis, to full-blown engorged testicles. 4 of the men have had to undergo surgery to reduce swelling in their sacs.

“It was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever gone to the emergency room for,” said Kyle Mann, 26. “My balls were the size of pineapples. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Thankfully, Dr. Morse had already treated a few other guys with the same problem, so he knew what was happening. Sadly, they had to slice my balls open to let out some sort of bacterial fluid that was in there. Fucking scary, man.”

Dr. Morse says the plant looks “nearly identical” to regular poison ivy, so it is best to avoid going outside at all if you want to stay away from possible contamination.

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