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Former President Trump Calls Kyle Rittenhouse a ‘Modern-Day Hero’ In Leaked Private Recordings

November 24, 2021

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A leaked private recording was recently obtained exclusively by Empire News, wherein former President Donald Trump directly refers to recently acquitted teenage gunman Kyle Rittenhouse as a 'Modern Day Hero.' "Mr. Ex-President is, ...

Business

Kraft Foods To Re-Brand ‘Kool-Aid Man’ Mascot to ‘Kool-Aid Person’ After Pressure From Left-Wing Groups

November 24, 2021

CHICAGO, Illinois - Kraft Food Holdings, the parent company behind Kool-Aid Brands, has announced that their long-stand mascot, The Kool-Aid Man, will be modified to be the Kool-Aid Person starting early next year. Extended pressure ...

Headlines

Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston

February 08, 2020

BOSTON, MA Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday. Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung ...

Government

Trump To Host Massive ‘I Beat Impeachment’ Party at White House This Weekend

February 08, 2020

WASHINGTON, D.C.  President Trump has decided to throw a massive "I Beat Impeachment" party at the White House, which is slated to kickoff around 6PM on Saturday, with plans to run until the early morning hours ...

Business

Parent Company of Corona Beer Sues China Over Bad Press During Their Coronavirus Scare

January 25, 2020

MEXICO CITY, Mexico -  Anheuser-Busch InBev, the parent company of Corona brands of beer, has announced they are filing suit against the Chinese government, after the massive Coronavirus scare in that country has caused a mass ...

Health/Fitness

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle Is Reportedly Giving People Herpes in Their Nasal Passages

January 25, 2020

LOS ANGELES, California -  Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years - items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience ...

Headlines

Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Shocking Revelation; Barack Obama Admits: ‘I’m Gay!’

January 18, 2020

PHILADELPHIA, PA Former President Barack Obama announced late last night that he had filed for divorce from his wife of 27 years, Michelle Obama, after he revealed a secret double life as a homosexual. "It is with ...

Headlines

Jeffrey Epstein Spotted Alive and Well in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

January 18, 2020

PUERTO VALLARTA, Mexico Jeffrey Epstein, the man once thought capable of bringing down multiple governments with insider information about his immense pedophila ring and sex island, was reportedly seen alive in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico early this ...

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