Go Ask Allison: My Grandma Bought Me Fake Diamonds – What A B****!

Dear Allison,
It was my 21st birthday a couple days ago. The ONLY thing I asked my Nana for was a pair of diamond earrings. I don’t know how I should feel because I found out they are cubic zirconium.  My stepmother pointed it out yesterday, and thinking about it, I cried on the way to work.  I don’t know if I should say something. I don’t want to sound like a spoiled brat, but it was the only thing I asked for. Should I mention it? I really want to say something.

-Faked Out

Dear Faked,
Aww, poor you. Too late, you already sound like a spoiled brat. 21? Nana is wise enough to know you’ll lose an earring during one of your many drunk night – most likely while you’re going down on a stranger with an STD who picked you up while you were blacked out at the bar. What are you, a rich bitch?  It’s time to grow up and realize Nana’s bank account doesn’t revolve around you. Whatever your job is, it isn’t hard enough.  You should try mining your own diamond for a bowl of gruel a day.
But then again, I’m not really the person to ask since my own mother would’ve slapped me if I had the balls to ask for diamonds.  Maybe you should buy yourself a bunch of booze and get the courage to call your Nana. I’m sure if you whine enough she’ll get you a much better present next year.

Dear Allison,

I am torn between my 16 year-old daughter, “Uniquea” and my bae, “Tyrone”.  My fiancé got me a stuffed monkey for my birthday a couple weeks ago.  Wellllllll…afterwards we got in a fight, and he wanted it back. I told him no, cuz he gave that to me.  Anyway, he comes over to get it, and we got in another altercation over it.  After we had it out, he apologized and started kissin’ up on me. My daughter screamed, she sick of him hustlin’ me and after kissin’ on me like it was a’ight. Then she took his Ray-Bans and ran in the other room. I screamed at her to give ‘em back, but she twisted them ‘till they was broke beyond repair. Tyrone insists Uniquea needa pay for them out of her hair/nail allowance, but I say Tyrone shouldn’t of been over here provokin’ in the first place. Should I side with my man or my daughter?

-Hassled at Home

Dear Hassled,
Your fiancé sounds like quite the catch.  I bet the moment you don’t put out, he demands you give him all those cheesy “I Luv You” Valentine’s teddy bears that line your headboard. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter what you do. You’re screwed.  You’re daughter’s screwed.  It doesn’t matter if Tyrone is in your life because you’re all cursed to live an ignorant, drama-filled existence, regardless.  Continue modeling that kind of behavior and just pray Uniquea’s first baby isn’t doesn’t end up with as God-awful a name as she did and that her baby-daddy actually pays child support.


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