Cats Are Superior To Dogs In Every Way, New Study Conducted By Cat Scientists Confirms

BOSTON, Mowsachusetts –

A group of cat scientists in Boston say that they have come to the scientific conclusion that cats are better than dogs in “every conceivable way,” and that their research is to be published in the Feline Journal of Medicine in the October issue.

“See, when it comes to pets, people generally only have two choices,” said Dr. Mow Furball, a cat scientist at UCLA who lead the team in Boston. “They get a dog, or they get a cat. Yes, you can get birds or other animals as pets, but birds are bullshit, and you damn well know it. So the choice is clearly dog or cat.”

Dr. Furball says that although many people own dogs because they think they’re a better animal, the real answer has always been cat.

“You cannot possibly think a dog is better than a cat after you see our research,” said Dr. Fluffy McCaterstein. “Dogs need to be walked. You have to take them out every few hours on their own. You can’t leave them home for more than a day by themselves or they’ll eat the couch. Frankly, dogs are stupid. Cats on the other hand, are now scientifically proven to be better pets.”

The research conducted by the team is currently “classified,” but notes will be available in the journal’s release.

Man Who Bought a Pair of Dentures on Shopping App WISH Can Suddenly Speak Chinese

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A Boston man, Arnold Richardson, said he didn’t know what to do when his dentist told him that he was going to need a new set of custom dentures to replace the ones he’s had the last 10 years.

“I was really put out, I can’t afford that kind of thing on my salary,” said Richardson, 46, a carpenter in the South End of Boston. “I really felt lost.”

Richardson said that he scoped out the internet for the best deals, and was surprised to find a set of dentures on the shopping website/app called Wish, which sells items at highly discounted rates, occassionally knock-offs, but almost always shipped from China.

“I was hesitant, honestly, because you hear about toys and other items coming from China and they’ve been painted with old, lead-ridden paint or something like that, but really, it was all I could afford.”

After waiting 6-8 weeks for his dentures, Richardson said he was “very surprised” to find that they fit perfectly, and even more surprised that when he put them in his mouth, he automatically began speaking Chinese.

“这篇文章和我们所有的文章一样, 都是假的,” said Richardson. “如果你明白了, 那就太好了。与你认识的每个人分享!永远记住不要在网上上当废话”

Nearly 1,000 People Have Gone Missing After Last Weekend’s Mysterious ‘Flying Object’ Seen Throughout East Coast

alien

CONCORD, New Hampshire

On Saturday evening at approximately 6 p.m., a mysterious light took over the skies in major US cities across the East Coast. People in New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and even parts of New York reported seeing a blue or green object streaking through the sky. Social media went crazy as well as news stations as people tried to figure out what was happening.

NASA reported on Twitter that the sighting was a result of a U.S. Navy test: “Light seen in OC sky was confirmed through John Wayne Airport tower to be a Naval test fire off the coast. No further details.”

On Sunday, police in several Eastern states had received nearly 845 missing persons reports of people who have just “disappeared.” 95% of the missing people reported by Sunday evening were women between the ages of 18 – 23. Police are saying they cannot confirm that the incident on Saturday evening has any connection to the missing persons reported.

“What happened on Saturday evening in California has nothing to do with the amount of people that have gone missing since then,” said Detective Ron Alvarez of the New Hampshire Missing Persons Bureau. “It was a missile that everyone saw on Saturday and that is that. It has been confirmed by the Federal Aviation Administration as a missile, and people need to leave it just as that. In the meantime, we are doing everything we can to find the people that are missing.”

Conspiracy theorists are not convinced by the government’s explanation of the enigmatic light after photos surfaced of strange, unknown creatures found dead in fields Western Maine. These theorists say that as quickly as these photos appear on Facebook, they are taken down.

New England Set To Be Hit By Three Massive, Back-To-Back Nor’Easters; More Than 10 Feet of Snow Expected

snow

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

New Englanders, get ready. Although the snow and extremely cold temperatures have come quick this year, things are about to take a turn.

According to NOAA, a series of extreme winter storms are brewing off the coast, with all of them expected to hit most of New England by the middle of next week. The storms, dubbed “nor’easters” because of the direction they travel, will bring over ten feet of wet, packed snow between Tuesday and Thursday.

“I don’t want to go on record and say this is unprecedented, but it’s pretty close,” said NOAA weather researcher Mark Henry. “To get that much snow in such a small window of time is going to be hell for many people. Plus, because of the type of snow, we can expect massive and long-lasting power outages. It will be heavy and wet and packed, and downed trees and power lines will be almost a guarantee. This is absolutely the worst storm I’ve ever seen brewing in over 35 years as a weather researcher.”

Maine, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts are already calling for a state of emergency, and plow crews from nearby states and Canada are already being prepared to help with the storm.

“This is going to be the Big One,” said Henry. “Everyone get that bread and milk from the store – you’re going to need it.”

Extensive 10-Year Study Shows That People Who Own Cats are Cat Owners

cats

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

An extensive study performed by a research team at Boston’s prestigious Harvard University have concluded that people who are in possession of a cat are, in fact, cat owners.

“For years, people have been asking the question, ‘I have a cat – am I a cat owner?’, and we finally have an answer for them,” said lead researcher, Dr. Cris Craven. “The answer is, without a doubt, yes.”

Many people who own a cat were fearful that they may, in fact, be dog owners, which most said would worry them greatly.

“It would be horrible to be a dog owner,” said cat owner Rae Jean Robinson. “My cats would definitely not like it if I was a dog owner. I mean, I’ve never had a dog around, because I can’t stand dogs, so I was pretty sure I wasn’t a dog owner. But this actually confirms that I am, in fact, a cat owner, so I’m stoked.”

Researchers are still working to determine whether people who are in possession of a horse are, in fact, horse owners.

If You Thought This Eclipse Was a Big Deal, Wait Until You See This ‘Moon Duplication’

WORLDWIDE – 

The Internet has been buzzing over the last couple of weeks as stargazers prepare to witness the most miraculous event seen in this generation. On September 5, 2017 the moon will appear to duplicate 37 times, with this phenomenon being visible from almost every spot on Earth. According to astronomers, this event will not recur until the year 2274, and hasn’t happened in nearly 300 years.

For those who are unaware, the Earth’s moon is positioned approximately 22 light years away from us, almost on the other end of the Milky Way, which means we don’t see the Moon the way it is visible today; we are actually seeing a version of the moon from 22 years ago. On September 5, we will see a reflection of the last 37 years due to a cosmic light anomaly from the sun’s once-in-a-lifetime alignment.

If you are as excited about this as everybody else is on the Internet, SHARE this with your friends so they do not miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Remember, this will not happen again for nearly 260 years!

Hurricane Harvey Winds Carry Trailer Over 100 Miles – With the Family Still Inside!

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A family from Tulsa, Oklahoma, underwent the scariest experience of their life yesterday, when their mobile home was carried over 130 miles by strong winds from Hurricane Harvey, landing in a rural Kansas area. Five members of the same family were inside the building during its “flight”, and all of them have miraculously survived without injuries.

41-year old Dorothy Williams, was at home with her husband, her son, and her two brothers, when their mobile home was lifted off the ground by the strongest hurricane on record.

The powerful winds reaching more than 520 miles per hour, carried and shook the mobile home for 4 hours and 18 minutes, sometimes at altitude of more than 1000 feet. After carrying the house across Northern Colorado and Southern Kansas, the tornado finally dropped it on a car, just outside of Wichita, 129.5 miles (208.5 kilometers) away from its point of origin.

A few locals have witnessed the landing, like Michael Johnson, a 63-year old neighboring farmer,  who describes an incredibly spectacular scene.

“I saw something in the sky that looked like a plane without wings” says Mr. Johnson. “I seemed to be flying clumsily towards the ground, as if it was trying to land. It was probably 300 feet from me when I finally understood the it was a mobile home, and I freaked out. It landed directly on my neighbor’s car, which partially collapsed from the shock, but still rolled for almost 100 feet after the impact. It made an incredibly loud, crashing sound, and debris was flying everywhere. I thought I was going to die.”

The 60-feet long mobile home landed on an unoccupied car. The building has suffered surprisingly little structural damage considering the distance over which it was transported.

Despite the violence of the crash, with the house landing at a speed of more than 90 miles per hour, the incident did not cause any death or serious injury. All five occupants of the house have miraculously survived their incredible misadventure, suffering only a few scratches and bruises.

Thousands Blinded By Solar Eclipse…Millions More Disappointed By Anticlimactic Event

eclipse

As the solar eclipse moves across North America, emergency rooms are filling up across the nation. Although many warnings were issued to the public not to watch the eclipse without protective eyewear, many did not head the advice and now find they have severely damaged their retinas.

Because the retinas do not have pain receptors, most did not realize they had caused damage until it was too late.

Jennifer Thompson encouraged her husband, Dave Thompson to go out and look at the eclipse, and then had to drive him to the emergency room. Dave says, “I thought don’t look at the eclipse or you’ll go blind was just silly advice like ‘don’t swallow watermelon seeds or they’ll grow in your stomach. Luckily I didn’t look for long and only have minor solar retinopathy- whatever that means. All I know is I’m going to be out of work, and we can’t afford it.”

Zang Li of New York assumed once the spots in front of his eyes went away he would be ok. He became concerned when after ten minutes his vision did not fully return. “I thought it was all some kind of conspiracy to sell those stupid glasses. And you know those glasses are just going to end up in landfills tomorrow. But I was wrong. I’m devastated. The ER doctor said I suffered burns on 80% of my retina, and it is likely my vision may never come back.”

Even more tragic than the loss of vision suffered by over 10,000 and counting, is the millions who were disappointed by the natural phenomena. Children who spent hours creating pinhole-projector eclipse viewers, only to see a lame shadow cover the sun, were left disillusioned. Zaiden Winslow, age 9, of North Carolina, says, “That sucked. I wish I had stayed inside and watched TV.”

The next solar eclipse is scheduled for 2024, and we can only hope future generations will heed this advice from 2017: IT’S NOT THAT EXCITING, but if you must watch, BUY THE STUPID GLASSES!

 

 

New Breed of Tick Has a Bite That Will Make You Allergic To Vegetables

tick

SHELTON, West Virginia – 

A new breed of wood tick has been discovered in West Virginia, and is causing a panic among vegetarians and vegans. Along side the “reverse zombie” or “lone star” tick, which has been confirmed to trigger a red meat allergy in those bitten by the little assholes, the new “hippie tick” will make you allergic to vegetables.

“All vegetarians, vegans, and general vegetable lovers need to know about this tick,” said USDA spokesman Carl Richards. “The Reverse Zombie tick is horrible for all of us people who eat real food, like steak and cheeseburgers, but now the Hippie Tick, as we’ve come to call it, is out there – and it’s really screwing up things for all those pussy vegans.”

The Hippie Tick, which is actually known as the Ixodida Aracnodia, is small and brownish-red, like many ticks. They live in large, green grassy areas, and are especially fond of moist or wet areas – both in nature and on your body.

“Always check everywhere on your body for these little guys,” said Richards. “They’re known to be found in ear cavities, under armpits or breasts, and in rectums or vaginal cavities. They love hot, wet, smelly areas.”

So far, there are no vaccinations against the bites of either the Reverse Zombie or Hippie Tick, and neither disease is curable once contracted.

New ‘Super Poison Ivy’ Is Spreading Across The United States – Why You DON’T Want To Touch This Plant!

BOISE, Idaho – 

A new strain of poison ivy has been spotted in 11 states throughout the country, and botanists and scientists are completely baffled as to where it came from.

According to hospital reports, 86 cases of rash – and worse – have been reported from the new strain of poison ivy, but the problem isn’t so much of how it’s affecting people, but where.

“This new poison ivy, it only affects the genitals,” said Dr. Kenneth Morse of Boise Medical Center. “No matter where a person touches the plant on their body – be it with a hand or a foot, or rubbing against a bare leg – the symptoms only appear on the genitals.”

Of the 86 cases so far, 83 of them have been males, and most have seen symptoms ranging from small, red itchy dots on their penis, to full-blown engorged testicles. 4 of the men have had to undergo surgery to reduce swelling in their sacs.

“It was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever gone to the emergency room for,” said Kyle Mann, 26. “My balls were the size of pineapples. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Thankfully, Dr. Morse had already treated a few other guys with the same problem, so he knew what was happening. Sadly, they had to slice my balls open to let out some sort of bacterial fluid that was in there. Fucking scary, man.”

Dr. Morse says the plant looks “nearly identical” to regular poison ivy, so it is best to avoid going outside at all if you want to stay away from possible contamination.

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