LOS ANGELES, California –
Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years – items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience at worst. But her latest endeavor, Goop candles that smell like her former A-list vagina, have added a new treat for people dumb enough to buy it – the candles are giving people herpes in their nose.
Paltrow, perhaps best known for playing Robert Downey Jr.’s love interest, Pepper Potts, in the Iron Man films, has fallen to the levels of midnight pitchman over the last few years, and for some reason thought that selling candles scented specifically like her putrid pussy would be hot sellers. Somewhat confusingly, she appears to be right, as the candles are selling, but as they are made from the “natural juices” of Paltrow’s poon, they smell like her vagina, and are also causing people who burn the candle too long to contract herpes.
“I first noticed that I had a weird bump on the outside of my nose,” said Kirk Brown, who has estimated he’s spent around $2,000 on several hundreds of Paltrow’s candles. “I thought it was a pimple. It happens. After it got severe, and I started to feel the bumps in my nose, I went to the doctor. A test confirmed it was nose herpes. I didn’t even know it was possible!”
“I only burned one of her candles for a very short time,” said Melissa Rogers of Atlanta. “I got it as a gag gift from a co-worker at Christmastime. It smelled horrendous; like a cross between stale pee and the cheese you scrape out of an infected vagina. I was not a fan. I became less of a fan when it became clear that I was getting nose herpes. It’s hugely embarrassing.”
Multiple people say they have had similar experiences, and a lawyer has been contacted in at least one of the cases in hopes of a class-action suit. Reps for Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina could not be reached for comment.
MIAMI, Florida –
A woman in Florida says she got pregnant on a business trip to Boston last month, claiming that the hotel never changed the sheets on the bed, and there must have been “ejaculate” on them.
Penny Simon, 28, travelled to Boston for a sales convention, and said that the Hilton she stayed at was “super dirty,” and even though she complained, she thinks they didn’t change the sheets on her bed, and that semen left in the bed from a previous visitor got her pregnant.
“It’s crazy, really, and I feel so bad for her,” said Chris Simon, 29, Penny’s husband. “She’s very conflicted. We’re not an abortion household, but at the same time, the baby isn’t mine, and she’s saying she doesn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to raise another man’s child, but we’ve been trying for 4 years to get pregnant, and she hasn’t been able to. I will raise this baby as my own if that’s what God wants. I just hope the hotel knows that we are suing them for mental anguish. This is disgusting!”
Empire News spoke to Mary Rogers, who works the front desk at the Hilton in Boston where Penny stayed.
“The rooms are very clean, and this hotel was only a week old at the time the guest you mentioned stayed,” said Rogers. “No one had ever been in that room before. Although I was on staff the two nights Ms. Simon stayed here, and watched her bring up at least 3 different men from the hotel bar over the course of 4 hours, so if I had to guess how she got pregnant, I think that answers it.”
MIAMI, Florida –
The Ringling Brothers circus, which is often full of magic, illusion, laughter, and fun, also features daring acts such as the trapeze artists, a favorite of crowds throughout the world.
What was not expected by the audience, children or adults, is that in the middle of the show, one of the trapeze artists, a young girl, suffered a fateful and irreversible intestinal problem.
“I’m watching the show, and everything is beautiful and amazing, and then all of a sudden, everything happened at once,” said Mark Ryan, who was in the audience with his 2-year-old son. “It’s raining shit, let’s get out of here, run away! Everyone was yelling and screaming. Dozens of people got covered in shit. It was absolutely disturbing. We definitely requested a ticket to return at a later date. Totally uncalled for.”
Ringling Brothers said that through their entire history, this was the first such issue with any of their performers, outside of the animals, shitting on a customer.
MIAMI, Florida –
A Florida man was arrested and ejected from a nudist beach because, as they told him, he “had an excessively large penis” and that other guests were terrified when they saw it.
According to reports, last weekend on a beach in Miami, Joe Hung was lying on the towel enjoying the good weather, when he was approached by a local police patrol that asked him to “please, cover [himself] and leave the beach”. Police say they’d received calls, and that there was more than one swimmer who had complained about the size of Hung’s penis.
“We were here, enjoying the quiet and the beautiful the day, when that man with his huge penis arrived, monopolizing the attention of everybody, and breaking the harmony of the place,” says one of the woman, who admits she called the police. “While I expect to see some nudity here and try to get over any personal complexes, it’s entirely another for this man to show up and give me a new one. My husband could never match up to this man. What guy could?!”
Police say they charged Hung with disorderly conduct for his refusal to leave the beach. He was fined $500 and allowed to leave after a 24-hour holding.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A Boston man, Arnold Richardson, said he didn’t know what to do when his dentist told him that he was going to need a new set of custom dentures to replace the ones he’s had the last 10 years.
“I was really put out, I can’t afford that kind of thing on my salary,” said Richardson, 46, a carpenter in the South End of Boston. “I really felt lost.”
Richardson said that he scoped out the internet for the best deals, and was surprised to find a set of dentures on the shopping website/app called Wish, which sells items at highly discounted rates, occassionally knock-offs, but almost always shipped from China.
“I was hesitant, honestly, because you hear about toys and other items coming from China and they’ve been painted with old, lead-ridden paint or something like that, but really, it was all I could afford.”
After waiting 6-8 weeks for his dentures, Richardson said he was “very surprised” to find that they fit perfectly, and even more surprised that when he put them in his mouth, he automatically began speaking Chinese.
“这篇文章和我们所有的文章一样, 都是假的,” said Richardson. “如果你明白了, 那就太好了。与你认识的每个人分享!永远记住不要在网上上当废话”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Richard Atkins, 64, has been in a coma for the last 26 years, the result of a hit-and-run car accident that left him hospitalized. Although doctors had told Atkins’ wife, Miranda, that they believed if he ever woke up that Richard would be a complete “vegetable,” Miranda decided not to pull the plug.
“I’m so glad I listened to my gut, I knew he’d wake up eventually,” said Miranda. “I am concerned about his choice to be put back under though.”
Doctors were flabbergasted that Atkins woke up last Tuesday morning, cracking jokes and asking for lunch.
“He is a marvel of the medical world, that’s for sure,” said Dr. Francis Joseph. “I’ve been treating Atkins as his doctor for the last 20 years of his 26 years in a comatose state, and I never expected this. He woke up, was fine, and didn’t seemed at all bothered he’d been in a coma for nearly 3 decades. In fact, he asked to be put back under for another year so he’d be eligible for his social security and retirement benefits.”
Doctors say that they initially declined to give in to Atkins’ request, but eventually were persuaded.
“I told them that I had memories of being sexually abused while in my coma by hospital staff,” said Atkins before they put him back under. “Don’t tell anyone that it was total crap, I don’t remember a thing. I just don’t want to work again. Work sucks.”
EDGEWORTH, Florida –
A Florida man has died after he attempted to eat over $10,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, which is approximately 1500 boxes.
John Richards, 43, died after his 87th box, when he suffered both a massive stroke and a major heart attack simultaneously.
“I have no idea what made that fat shit think he could finish off all those boxes, or why he even tried,” said Marlene Richards, 40. “I’ve been married to John for 20 years, and on his ass about his weight pretty much this whole time. When he heard that the Boy Scouts were going to allow girls in, he told me he thought that the cookies would ‘go extinct,’ and he wanted to get all he could. Dumb bastard.”
Police say they had to hire a team of movers to get Richards’ body out of the home, as he “weighed close to that of a grand piano.”
“The thing that really pisses me off is that he cashed out his life insurance policy to buy the cookies,” said Marlene Richards. “What in the hell am I going to do now? Eat the rest of these cookies for the rest of my life? God, I hate that fat lard.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
According to the US Department of Births and Deaths, February 27th, 2019 was the first time in the recorded history of Man that no one was born, and no one died. The phenomenon has everyone puzzled.
“I have no idea how it happened, I didn’t even know it could happen,” said US DBD Chairman Richard Vallee. “Normally, there are nearly 200,000 deaths and about 220,000 births every day throughout the world. We monitor these numbers out of our offices in the United States, but record the entire world. This has never happened before, and is likely to never happen again.”
Vallee says that they are currently looking into any sort of “otherworldly” phenomenon or atmospheric reason that no one was born or died yesterday, but so far, they’ve been drawing a blank.
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
A 9th grade class made up of 28 students in Huntsville, Alabama, have reportedly killed themselves in a “mass suicide pact,” after reportedly watching a new viral video online.
“Momo,” which is a stupid internet hoax that has been blown way out of proportion by the media, has now lost its hoax status after all the students were found dead in their school’s basement.
The children, most of whom were 14 or 15, reportedly each bought sleeping pills and bleach, and drank the toxic mixture. Police say the crime scene is “the worst in the history of police work.”
Melanie Reeve, 16, said one of her best friends was one of the teens who killed themselves, but she says she has “no idea” why should would do it.
“Everyone knows the Momo thing is fucking fake, that’s old news and no one actually cares about it except the news and old parents,” said Reeve. “I have no idea why [name redacted] did this. I told her that Momo wasn’t real, and she was just like ‘I know,’ but then did it anyway.”
Police are cautioning parents not to let their kids go “anywhere near the internet” until the Momo craze blows over.
TALLAHASEE, Florida –
A Florida man has been arrested after police discovered 29 mutilated and sexually-assaulted bodies under his porch. Police were lead to the home of Raymond Garfield, 30, after an anonymous tip.
According to reports, Garfield may have been murdering young women for over 10 years. He had been raping them, and killing them in numerous way – but all of the women were picked up in a local swingers bar.
“Mr. Garfield was seen frequenting a local nightclub, Le Swing, many times over the last several years, and would always leave with a young lady,” said Police Captain Lou Albano. “The women, several of whom were regulars, were never seen again. An investigation into Mr. Garfield was conducted after an anonymous bar patron called us, concerned about the constant stream of missing women he had seen leave with Garfield over several months.”
Garfield, a former construction worker, was arrested without incident. He is currently being held with no bail, with a court date set for March 3rd. If convicted, he will likely face the death penalty.