BOSTON, Mowsachusetts –
A group of cat scientists in Boston say that they have come to the scientific conclusion that cats are better than dogs in “every conceivable way,” and that their research is to be published in the Feline Journal of Medicine in the October issue.
“See, when it comes to pets, people generally only have two choices,” said Dr. Mow Furball, a cat scientist at UCLA who lead the team in Boston. “They get a dog, or they get a cat. Yes, you can get birds or other animals as pets, but birds are bullshit, and you damn well know it. So the choice is clearly dog or cat.”
Dr. Furball says that although many people own dogs because they think they’re a better animal, the real answer has always been cat.
“You cannot possibly think a dog is better than a cat after you see our research,” said Dr. Fluffy McCaterstein. “Dogs need to be walked. You have to take them out every few hours on their own. You can’t leave them home for more than a day by themselves or they’ll eat the couch. Frankly, dogs are stupid. Cats on the other hand, are now scientifically proven to be better pets.”
The research conducted by the team is currently “classified,” but notes will be available in the journal’s release.
MIAMI, Florida –
A woman in Florida says she got pregnant on a business trip to Boston last month, claiming that the hotel never changed the sheets on the bed, and there must have been “ejaculate” on them.
Penny Simon, 28, travelled to Boston for a sales convention, and said that the Hilton she stayed at was “super dirty,” and even though she complained, she thinks they didn’t change the sheets on her bed, and that semen left in the bed from a previous visitor got her pregnant.
“It’s crazy, really, and I feel so bad for her,” said Chris Simon, 29, Penny’s husband. “She’s very conflicted. We’re not an abortion household, but at the same time, the baby isn’t mine, and she’s saying she doesn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to raise another man’s child, but we’ve been trying for 4 years to get pregnant, and she hasn’t been able to. I will raise this baby as my own if that’s what God wants. I just hope the hotel knows that we are suing them for mental anguish. This is disgusting!”
Empire News spoke to Mary Rogers, who works the front desk at the Hilton in Boston where Penny stayed.
“The rooms are very clean, and this hotel was only a week old at the time the guest you mentioned stayed,” said Rogers. “No one had ever been in that room before. Although I was on staff the two nights Ms. Simon stayed here, and watched her bring up at least 3 different men from the hotel bar over the course of 4 hours, so if I had to guess how she got pregnant, I think that answers it.”
BANGOR, Maine –
A Pride festival in Bangor, Maine turned into an all out sex festival after a group of protestors slipped what police say was “highly potent” MDMA, or ecstasy, into the supply of the festival’s food truck.
“Thankfully, this was one of the smaller festivals in the state, and it was a 21+ event because of the alcohol being served,” said Police Chief Barry Lincoln. “That said, there were over 350 people who attended this Pride day, and every single one of them was involved in the massive group orgy.”
Even though the sexual debauchery was happening right out in the open in the middle of the town’s park, police said the only ones arrested were the protestors.
“We cannot very well arrest those who showed up looking for a good time at Pride, because they certainly had it,” said Chief Lincoln. “I know I certainly did, and that’s all I really want to say about that. The protestors, who stupidly admitted to their crimes on Facebook, were apprehended less than 24 hours later. We are still trying to track the source of their large quantity of drugs.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump announced earlier this morning via Twitter that he would be legalizing marijuana on a federal level, which would automatically lift restrictions in every state, even those that have yet to set up legalization and retail options.
“At this point, there’s really no reason to continue classifying it as a Schedule 1 drug,” tweeted President Trump. “Everyone smokes it, or eats it in delicious little pastries and candies. Frankly, edibles are the only reason I can sleep at night myself. It’s been a long battle with wasted trillions of dollars, and I want it to stop.”
The President went on to say that the influx of tax revenue at the state and federal levels would be astronomical.
“Colorado can buy whatever they want, because it’s huge out there,” said Trump. “They can pay for education, healthcare, new roads, whatever. They can do that because of weed taxes. This is going to make the American people rich. Now we will be able to start building that wall!”
STAMFORD, CT –
WWE CEO and Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he had met with Tony Khan, the owner of new wrestling promotion AEW, and that the two had agreed on a purchase amount, with McMahon becoming sole owner.
“When I saw the kind of wrestling that these guys were doing, the matches they were putting on, the crowd reactions – I knew that this was something big, and I had to get involved,” said McMahon. “If I didn’t try to take control of this company now, they’d likely have overshadowed the WWE within a few years, maybe less. I am too old for more Monday Night Wars.”
McMahon is referencing the fan’s term for the ratings battle between the WWE and the then Ted Turner owned WCW. During the mid-90s, the two companies went head to head on Monday evenings in prime time TV slots. When WWE eventually took control of the ratings, McMahon bought out WCW and folded the entire promotion.
“When McMahon approached me, I laughed at first,” said Tony Khan, a billionaire whose family has long ties in the world of sports. “But he came in with a price that was just outrageous, and I would have been a fool to say no. Yes, I’m worth upwards of 4 times what the WWE is worth, but I didn’t get that way by being a fool. I’m a wrestling fan, and I love what we’re doing, but WWE can take what we’re doing and amp it up globally overnight.”
On news of the purchase, AEW’s Executive Vice President, Cody Rhodes, simply said “Fuck. Not again.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump announced today that he and Mexican President Andres Manual Lopez came to an agreement about the border wall “fiasco,” and that Mexico has finally agreed to pay for the Wall, in exchange for the return of Texas to the southern country.
“This is a great deal for us, one of the biggest and best deals in our country’s history, and I can honestly say, it was, in fact, a great deal because I made it,” said President Trump. “I only make good deals, and this deal is by far one of the greatest deals ever made.”
Experts say that the cost of the border wall will be somewhere in the nature of $500 billion, and President Trump says that he is “more than fine” with that trade off in exchange for the state of Texas.
“As a great man once said, only steers and queers come from Texas, and I don’t care about either of those things at all,” said President Trump. “Except of course in regards to my great VP Mike Pence, but he’s not a Texan queer, just a regular one, so it’s okay.”
MIAMI, Florida –
A young boy in Florida has being hospitalized after his brand new Apple AirPod earphones allegedly exploded in his ear.
Caleb Mitchell, 8, has been hospitalized with 2nd degree burns on his face and inside of his ears after his Airpods exploded. According to Mitchell’s parents, the young boy is lucky to be alive, but is not out of the woods yet.
“I can’t believe something like this could happen,” said Josiah Mitchell, a standup comedian and the boy’s father. “I didn’t think they could get hot or explode or anything like that. Yet hear we are. Get it? Hear? Because Caleb is pretty much deaf now. Oh shit, I crack myself up.”
Caleb supposedly always had his Airpods in his ear, other than the times where he was charging them. He would even sleep with them, and wear them even when not listening to music. “Airpod owners are obsessed” says Candice James, a therapist, “Airpod owners really think they’re hot shit because their headphones don’t have wires. Wow, you’re so cool. Fucking losers. I just feel bad for the boy here because his parents indoctrinated him into wanting these in the first place.”
As Caleb is recovering, technology experts warn Airpod owners to not use them so much.
“Just throw them out,” said tech expert Lee Xiu, “You’ll be a better person, Airpod owners are annoying.”
MIAMI, Florida –
The Ringling Brothers circus, which is often full of magic, illusion, laughter, and fun, also features daring acts such as the trapeze artists, a favorite of crowds throughout the world.
What was not expected by the audience, children or adults, is that in the middle of the show, one of the trapeze artists, a young girl, suffered a fateful and irreversible intestinal problem.
“I’m watching the show, and everything is beautiful and amazing, and then all of a sudden, everything happened at once,” said Mark Ryan, who was in the audience with his 2-year-old son. “It’s raining shit, let’s get out of here, run away! Everyone was yelling and screaming. Dozens of people got covered in shit. It was absolutely disturbing. We definitely requested a ticket to return at a later date. Totally uncalled for.”
Ringling Brothers said that through their entire history, this was the first such issue with any of their performers, outside of the animals, shitting on a customer.
PALM BEACH, Florida –
The U.S. government warn of three cases in Florida of people affected by the so-called “mosquito chirulí,” able to make a woman pregnant with just a single bite. The cases have been located in Miami, Tallahassee, and Palm Beach. and those affected have been quarantined while the cases are investigated.
The existence of this mosquito was known at the end of 2016 in Uganda and Kenya, but never before have there been cases outside these countries. It is a mosquito that has mutated and is able to impregnate a women via a very specific set of circumstances, one that requires no sperm to fertilize the ovum in fertile women. There is information that this mosquito has been responsible for more than 2,000 pregnancies in Africa.
It is unknown how it was possible for the “chirulí mosquito” to reach the United States, but the authorities are already taking the necessary measures to prevent more cases from occurring. An appeal is made to all women of childbearing age who feel the bite of a mosquito to go immediately to their doctor to receive the Plan B, morning after pill.
MIAMI, Florida –
A Florida man was arrested and ejected from a nudist beach because, as they told him, he “had an excessively large penis” and that other guests were terrified when they saw it.
According to reports, last weekend on a beach in Miami, Joe Hung was lying on the towel enjoying the good weather, when he was approached by a local police patrol that asked him to “please, cover [himself] and leave the beach”. Police say they’d received calls, and that there was more than one swimmer who had complained about the size of Hung’s penis.
“We were here, enjoying the quiet and the beautiful the day, when that man with his huge penis arrived, monopolizing the attention of everybody, and breaking the harmony of the place,” says one of the woman, who admits she called the police. “While I expect to see some nudity here and try to get over any personal complexes, it’s entirely another for this man to show up and give me a new one. My husband could never match up to this man. What guy could?!”
Police say they charged Hung with disorderly conduct for his refusal to leave the beach. He was fined $500 and allowed to leave after a 24-hour holding.