WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump announced today that he and Mexican President Andres Manual Lopez came to an agreement about the border wall “fiasco,” and that Mexico has finally agreed to pay for the Wall, in exchange for the return of Texas to the southern country.
“This is a great deal for us, one of the biggest and best deals in our country’s history, and I can honestly say, it was, in fact, a great deal because I made it,” said President Trump. “I only make good deals, and this deal is by far one of the greatest deals ever made.”
Experts say that the cost of the border wall will be somewhere in the nature of $500 billion, and President Trump says that he is “more than fine” with that trade off in exchange for the state of Texas.
“As a great man once said, only steers and queers come from Texas, and I don’t care about either of those things at all,” said President Trump. “Except of course in regards to my great VP Mike Pence, but he’s not a Texan queer, just a regular one, so it’s okay.”
MIAMI, Florida –
A young boy in Florida has being hospitalized after his brand new Apple AirPod earphones allegedly exploded in his ear.
Caleb Mitchell, 8, has been hospitalized with 2nd degree burns on his face and inside of his ears after his Airpods exploded. According to Mitchell’s parents, the young boy is lucky to be alive, but is not out of the woods yet.
“I can’t believe something like this could happen,” said Josiah Mitchell, a standup comedian and the boy’s father. “I didn’t think they could get hot or explode or anything like that. Yet hear we are. Get it? Hear? Because Caleb is pretty much deaf now. Oh shit, I crack myself up.”
Caleb supposedly always had his Airpods in his ear, other than the times where he was charging them. He would even sleep with them, and wear them even when not listening to music. “Airpod owners are obsessed” says Candice James, a therapist, “Airpod owners really think they’re hot shit because their headphones don’t have wires. Wow, you’re so cool. Fucking losers. I just feel bad for the boy here because his parents indoctrinated him into wanting these in the first place.”
As Caleb is recovering, technology experts warn Airpod owners to not use them so much.
“Just throw them out,” said tech expert Lee Xiu, “You’ll be a better person, Airpod owners are annoying.”
MIAMI, Florida –
The Ringling Brothers circus, which is often full of magic, illusion, laughter, and fun, also features daring acts such as the trapeze artists, a favorite of crowds throughout the world.
What was not expected by the audience, children or adults, is that in the middle of the show, one of the trapeze artists, a young girl, suffered a fateful and irreversible intestinal problem.
“I’m watching the show, and everything is beautiful and amazing, and then all of a sudden, everything happened at once,” said Mark Ryan, who was in the audience with his 2-year-old son. “It’s raining shit, let’s get out of here, run away! Everyone was yelling and screaming. Dozens of people got covered in shit. It was absolutely disturbing. We definitely requested a ticket to return at a later date. Totally uncalled for.”
Ringling Brothers said that through their entire history, this was the first such issue with any of their performers, outside of the animals, shitting on a customer.
PALM BEACH, Florida –
The U.S. government warn of three cases in Florida of people affected by the so-called “mosquito chirulí,” able to make a woman pregnant with just a single bite. The cases have been located in Miami, Tallahassee, and Palm Beach. and those affected have been quarantined while the cases are investigated.
The existence of this mosquito was known at the end of 2016 in Uganda and Kenya, but never before have there been cases outside these countries. It is a mosquito that has mutated and is able to impregnate a women via a very specific set of circumstances, one that requires no sperm to fertilize the ovum in fertile women. There is information that this mosquito has been responsible for more than 2,000 pregnancies in Africa.
It is unknown how it was possible for the “chirulí mosquito” to reach the United States, but the authorities are already taking the necessary measures to prevent more cases from occurring. An appeal is made to all women of childbearing age who feel the bite of a mosquito to go immediately to their doctor to receive the Plan B, morning after pill.
MIAMI, Florida –
A Florida man was arrested and ejected from a nudist beach because, as they told him, he “had an excessively large penis” and that other guests were terrified when they saw it.
According to reports, last weekend on a beach in Miami, Joe Hung was lying on the towel enjoying the good weather, when he was approached by a local police patrol that asked him to “please, cover [himself] and leave the beach”. Police say they’d received calls, and that there was more than one swimmer who had complained about the size of Hung’s penis.
“We were here, enjoying the quiet and the beautiful the day, when that man with his huge penis arrived, monopolizing the attention of everybody, and breaking the harmony of the place,” says one of the woman, who admits she called the police. “While I expect to see some nudity here and try to get over any personal complexes, it’s entirely another for this man to show up and give me a new one. My husband could never match up to this man. What guy could?!”
Police say they charged Hung with disorderly conduct for his refusal to leave the beach. He was fined $500 and allowed to leave after a 24-hour holding.
VATICAN CITY –
Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.
“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”
Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.
CARSON, Georgia –
A Georgia man has filed suit against tech giant Apple, saying that after purchasing the latest iPhone, he tried to “eat the device,” and suffered severe damage to his mouth, teeth, and gums.
“My client thought that because the item was an ‘Apple,’ device, that it would be edible as apples generally are,” said Dewey Cheatum, Esq., the attorney representing the unnamed man who engaged in the lawsuit. “We believe we have a very strong case, as Apple does not now, nor have they ever said that their items could not be eaten.”
Apple’s public response to the lawsuit was to have Tim Cook shit directly onto the portfolio, before mailing it back to the office of Cheatum with a note that said “go fuck yourself.”
MIAMI, Florida –
A Florida man was taken to a Miami hospital after reportedly getting a large, D-cell battery stuck in his anus. The man claimed that he thought that the battery might give him the “energy boost” he would need to get through the rest of his day at work.
Doctors were able to extract the battery without seriously invasive surgery, but warned that putting things into your anus can “cause serious, irreparable harm.”
“This man, Joe Kennedy, who asked not to be publicly named, is very lucky,” said Dr. Frank Grates, the surgeon who extracted the battery. “He certainly could have done a lot worse. Thankfully, in this case, he went larger, and it was easy to grab. Had he gone with an AAA battery or something, and we might still be digging around in his colon.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A Boston man, Arnold Richardson, said he didn’t know what to do when his dentist told him that he was going to need a new set of custom dentures to replace the ones he’s had the last 10 years.
“I was really put out, I can’t afford that kind of thing on my salary,” said Richardson, 46, a carpenter in the South End of Boston. “I really felt lost.”
Richardson said that he scoped out the internet for the best deals, and was surprised to find a set of dentures on the shopping website/app called Wish, which sells items at highly discounted rates, occassionally knock-offs, but almost always shipped from China.
“I was hesitant, honestly, because you hear about toys and other items coming from China and they’ve been painted with old, lead-ridden paint or something like that, but really, it was all I could afford.”
After waiting 6-8 weeks for his dentures, Richardson said he was “very surprised” to find that they fit perfectly, and even more surprised that when he put them in his mouth, he automatically began speaking Chinese.
“这篇文章和我们所有的文章一样, 都是假的,” said Richardson. “如果你明白了, 那就太好了。与你认识的每个人分享!永远记住不要在网上上当废话”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Richard Atkins, 64, has been in a coma for the last 26 years, the result of a hit-and-run car accident that left him hospitalized. Although doctors had told Atkins’ wife, Miranda, that they believed if he ever woke up that Richard would be a complete “vegetable,” Miranda decided not to pull the plug.
“I’m so glad I listened to my gut, I knew he’d wake up eventually,” said Miranda. “I am concerned about his choice to be put back under though.”
Doctors were flabbergasted that Atkins woke up last Tuesday morning, cracking jokes and asking for lunch.
“He is a marvel of the medical world, that’s for sure,” said Dr. Francis Joseph. “I’ve been treating Atkins as his doctor for the last 20 years of his 26 years in a comatose state, and I never expected this. He woke up, was fine, and didn’t seemed at all bothered he’d been in a coma for nearly 3 decades. In fact, he asked to be put back under for another year so he’d be eligible for his social security and retirement benefits.”
Doctors say that they initially declined to give in to Atkins’ request, but eventually were persuaded.
“I told them that I had memories of being sexually abused while in my coma by hospital staff,” said Atkins before they put him back under. “Don’t tell anyone that it was total crap, I don’t remember a thing. I just don’t want to work again. Work sucks.”