Former President Barack Obama announced late last night that he had filed for divorce from his wife of 27 years, Michelle Obama, after he revealed a secret double life as a homosexual.
“It is with a bit of sadness and a whole lot of relief that I announce that Michelle and I have decided to separate, as I have admitted to her, as I’m doing now to the rest of the world, that I am a homosexual,” said Barack Obama. “This may come as a shock to many, and anger others, but this is my personal business, and I would hope that everyone could respect my privacy at this time”
Representatives for Michelle Obama said that she and the former president would split amicably, and that Michelle herself was “not particularly shocked” by the revelation.
“We are very close, as close as two people could ever be, really,” said Michelle in a prepared statement. “I’ve known for many years about Barack’s secret life, and I fully support him in the direction that his life takes him. He was and is an incredible leader, a loving father and family man, and now he can go on to make some other guy, or multiple guys, very happy.”
“Honestly, I was prepared to just stay with her,” said Barack. “I think she’s secretly know for years that I was gay, and since it already came out in every conservative news site years ago that Michelle was actually born a man, I figured that was close enough. I was prepared to stick it out and keep having young guys on the side. Michelle nixed it, though. She said if this was going to become public news, then there’s no reason we shouldn’t just split up and reveal our true selves. Whoops, I guess I just proved those rumors about her secret to be true, too. Damn, sorry Michelle!”
Representatives for the Obama children, Malia and Sasha, could not be reached for comment, but their Facebook pages both were vacant of any comments on the split.