NORTH CAROLINA –
Protests got heated on Monday when the Ku Klux Klan marched to “Make America Straight Again.” The faction of the KKK called the “Loyal White Knights” banned together with their white brotherhood with hopes that the US will reverse their legal stance on gay marriage.
“These people are disgusting and need to be stopped,” said Jed Murry, KKK member. “Hugging and rubbing like it’s okay. It’s not okay. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
The march was met by opposition from the LGBTQ community that flew in to North Carolina from all over the country. “We have a right to love,” said Rita Connerly, gay activist. “We have feelings just like everyone else. We will not loose our rights to gay marriage.”
The march ended without incident.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump welcomed a dozen members of the notorious white-power group, the Ku Klux Klan, to the White House on Sunday night.
The group reportedly were invited so that President Trump could “discuss the future” with them. They were also all treated to a tour of the White House, a gourmet dinner, and a cross burning in the back lawn area of the White House.
“You know, this house was built using slave labor, which to me, is the best kind of labor, because it’s free,” said Trump to the laughing klansman.
According to reports, the group partied late into the evening, and Trump had a private escort drive the Klan members to a private airfield at around 4 a.m. Monday morning.
When asked what the “future” might hold for the KKK, Trump simply said that he was trying to offer a friendly hand to open discussions.
FORTH WORTH, Texas –
Christoper Miller, the leader of the Fort Worth Ku Klux Klan chapter, has ignited a wave of anger amongst the public after saying that “guns were not the problem, black people with guns [are],” referring to the Dallas, Texas shooting that killed five white police officers.
The head of the racist group cautioned to a crowd of people outside of a Fort Worth courthouse that “history will repeat itself again and again, as long as black people are allowed to own guns.” Miller was surrounded and protected by a large percentage of the Forth Worth police department.
“There is no gun problem in America,” he told the small group of supporters and bystanders. “Guns don’t kill people, black people kill people. The problem is whose hands you put the guns in. Guns are harmless by themselves, but black people are a menace to society, it’s a fact. Give them a gun, and that nigger will be twice as more likely to kill someone.”
The rally was dispersed shortly after by anxious police who feared a riot from nearby anti-KKK protestors.
DECATUR, Alabama –
The KKK has been a thorn in the side of non-racists for nearly 100 years, but the group – which has seen a decline in membership as time has proven that they are a hate group – is making small changes to their membership bylaws that may entice new people to join, the group hopes.
“We are doing away with the all-white aspect of our group, for starters,” said Grand Master Paul Young. “No, not in skin color, because that would be ridiculous. We definitely only want WASPS in our group. But when it comes to our shawls, we are finally spreading out into an array of colors, allowing for people to make their own statements, while still hating anyone who isn’t just like us.”
Young says that he joined the Klan when he was 14, after his father taught him all about “white being right.”
“I always wanted to move up the ranks, to become a Grand Wizard, and I’m almost there, but I never thought I’d see this day where I could dye my white robes blue, or black,” said Young. “We even have a couple guys who are wearing brown robes, which is hilarious, and totally done in a sense of irony.”
Young says that he has seen other bylaws of the group that will be changed, and he says the public may be “pleasantly surprised” with what they’re doing in the future.
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
The Ku Klux Klan, America’s favorite hate group, has formally announced their endorsement for Donald Trump as he runs for president of the United States.
“He says what we are all feeling in our hearts and in our heads,” said Klan leader Joe Smith of the Huntsville chapter. “He’s a man who is ready to speak up and fix this country. He wants to build a wall to keep the spics out, and if we can have our way, we’ll get the niggers and the Jews out, too. Put ’em all behind a wall. Trump is the kind of man who can get that done, and we respect that.”
Normally not vocal about their candidate of choice, this is the first time in several decades that the group has spoken out in favor of one particular candidate during a presidential race.
“In 2008, we were adimant on getting anyone into the White House except for Obama, but we failed in our mission,” said Smith. “We didn’t think that that White House should be tarnished by being filled with a dirty black man from Kenya. This time, we will double our efforts in making sure that Trump is elected over anyone else – especially Hillary Clinton.”
HARLAN COUNTY, Kentucky –
Marshall Rogers, a longtime racist and self-proclaimed bigot, reportedly hung himself after discovering that he had slept with an African-American prostitute.
Rogers, who was legally blind, has paid for the services of Amber Grey, a prostitute in his hometown where Rogers was an active member of the Ku Klux Klan. Although Grey says that she knew that Rogers would be “extremely upset” if he found out she wasn’t white, she continued to allow him to pay for sex.
“I thought it was hilarious, really,” said Grey. “He would call me up, I’d go over. He thought I was white, I guess, because he’d always talk about how glad he was to find a nice ‘white piece of ass’ out of all the ‘nigger trash’ that whored themselves out. Frankly, I needed the money, and it kind of made me happy to be putting one over on the old racist bastard.”
After several months of procuring Grey’s services, Rogers was informed by members of the Klan that she was not white, and Rogers, who was reportedly already unstable after losing his eyesight during Vietnam, hanged himself in his den. He left a note addressed to his Klan, although police are not saying what it contained.
Grey, who has been cooperating with police on any information she is able to provide, will not be charged with any crimes in the part of Rogers’ death, although she has been arrested for solicitation.
MOBILE, Alabama –
In what many bigots are calling “disgusting” and “unbelievable,” the Ku Klux Klan has announced today that they will be starting a new chapter for African-Americans, with hopes that they can “branch out” to people who might not have previously thought of the Klan as a go-to club.
“It’s about time that us whites in the Klan opened our arms to our nigger brothers,” said Grand Wizard Joseph Smith. “Over the years our numbers have dwindled to the point of near-joke levels. Even those skinheads and neo-Nazi guys have more members than we do, and that’s just not right.”
Grand Wizard Smith says that if they get enough “negroes” to join up, they may also expand their membership to “spics and Jews,” too.
“Everyone deserves an opportunity to join one of the oldest, least-respected organizations in the United States,” said Smith. “We only hope that them blacks can overcome their pre-conceived notions of who we are, and come see for themselves. To celebrate, on August 1st we are having a big ol’ barbeque, with plenty of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape Kool-Aid to welcome our black brothers.”