For The First Time In The History of Man, No Babies Were Born and No Living People Died On February 27th, 2019

Ad

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to the US Department of Births and Deaths, February 27th, 2019 was the first time in the recorded history of Man that no one was born, and no one died. The phenomenon has everyone puzzled.

“I have no idea how it happened, I didn’t even know it could happen,” said US DBD Chairman Richard Vallee. “Normally, there are nearly 200,000 deaths and about 220,000 births every day throughout the world. We monitor these numbers out of our offices in the United States, but record the entire world. This has never happened before, and is likely to never happen again.”

Vallee says that they are currently looking into any sort of “otherworldly” phenomenon or atmospheric reason that no one was born or died yesterday, but so far, they’ve been drawing a blank.

President Trump Signs New Order To Remove Marijuana From Schedule-1 Drug List

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump signed a new order today, removing marijuana from the list of schedule-1 drugs, opening the floodgates for the drug to become legal on a federal level.

Learn more about RevenueStripe...

“I’ve always been against drinking, because alcoholism killed someone very close to me,” said President Trump. “But that said, I’ve always been a big fan of smoking the ganj. In fact, it was while I was baked out of my mind with a couple of friends that I first thought to run for President, and now – well, here I am.”

President Trump said that with the increased tax revenue from the sale of marijuana nationwide, he hopes to build the border wall.

“Honestly, legalizing on a federal level will bring in trillons of dollars for this country. It will boost the economy and the government will be flooded with new monies,” said Trump. “I will have my wall built by the end of the year.”

Michelle Obama Says She Plans To Run Against Trump in 2020 – With Barack As Her V.P.!

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking move, Michelle Obama says she is ready to begin campaigning for a shot at the White House in 2020. The announcement comes after several months of speculation, but with Michelle always saying it wasn’t going to happen. The news also includes a shocking running mate – Michelle’s husband, former President Barack Obama.

“We had to look into the legalities a lot, because we were not 100% sure it could happen, but it turns out, everything is in order,” said Michelle Obama in a statement. “Barack finished his two terms as elected President, but would be allowed to serve two more terms as Vice President, were he able to get elected with a running mate who is eligible for the office. I believe I’m more than qualified for the job.”

When questioned about the issue, though, that if something were to happen to her after election, Barack would become President for a third term, Michelle smiled slyly.

“Yes, well…you do never know what the future holds,” she said.

President Trump Readies Deportation of Melania After Huge Fight At White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump says he is beginning the preparations for deporting his wife, Melania, back to “whatever third world shithole she comes from,” according to official White House documents.

According to reports, Melania and President Trump had a bitter argument in the middle of the Oval Office, although the stories differ as to what caused the argument in the first place, with most sources stating that President Trump dislikes being referred to be his wife as “President Cheeto.”

“Frankly, I think it’s a sweet term of endearment from a wife to her husband,” said one anonymous staffer. “He really is taking it the wrong way. Now, of course, when she refers to his penis as the President’s ‘little Cheeto Puff,’ that might be crossing a line. But still – they’re married, you’re supposed to work these things out.”

President Trump said that he has been married enough times in his life, that “ditching one more won’t make much of a dent” in his life.

After Record Number of Children Disappear, Man Arrested With 47 Kids Found Locked In His Basement

MIAMI, Florida

A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.

According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.

“We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful,” said police chief Mitch Rogers. “We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than ‘missing.’”

Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.

President Trump Vows To Lower Severity of Sexual Assault Crimes, Hopes To Make Them ‘Ticketable’ Offenses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump said this morning during a press conference that the “MeToo movement has gone too far,” and that “too many honest, hardworking men are being thrown under the bus with lies and malicious intent,” and that he plans to spend the rest of his time in office working to reduce the severity of rape and sexual assault charges.

“In this world that we live, many men are having their lives ruined by false allegations and exaggerated claims, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said President Trump. “I myself have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, as have many of my close friends, and it’s sickening. It’s terrifying to live as a man right now, and know that at any time, some woman who you may not even know could come forward and say that you forcibly kissed her, or groped her, or that you offered her money to sit on your face, and it could ruin your life. It’s disgusting behavior on the part of these women.”

Trump went on to say that he felt that the transgressions of young men, if they happen at all, should be forgotten or pushed aside based on the work they’ve done and accomplished in the years since.

“I will not comment publicly on whether or not I believe Brett Kavanaugh assaulted anyone, even though we all clearly know that he didn’t,” said President Trump. “What I do know is that the accusations are destroying him and his family, and that’s not right. It’s for MeToo to go away quietly.”

President Trump said that he hopes to pass new laws that would decrease the criminal statute that would imprison people like Bill Cosby, who was sentenced to 3-10 years for sexual assault, and instead would allow men who are found guilty to pay a sort of fine, or restitution to the plaintiff.

“It  is my hope that my son can grow up in a world where no woman will ever accuse him of touching her inappropriately, whether he did or not,” said Trump. “I want to keep Making America Great Again, and at this point, this is my number one concern.”

Brett Kavanaugh Arrested After Night of Heavy Binge Drinking, Public Masturbation at D.C. Dive Bar

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Brett Kavanaugh, who is currently under scrutiny for allegedly sexually assaulting several women decades ago while drunk in high school, was arrested last night after police were called to local Washington, D.C. dive bar Good Head.

Kavanaugh, who is trying to obtain a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court, was reportedly detained by security after he allegedly removed his penis from his pants, and begin vigorously masturbating in the busy bar, before urinating all over himself, falling into the fetal position, and crying.

“When we arrived, Mr. Kavanaugh was beyond drunk, which from recent news reports, is perfectly in line with what we know about him,” said police chief Mario Lewis. “When we tried to detain him, Mr. Kavanaugh became unruly and violent, and assaulted two of my officers. A third officer was able to tase Mr. Kavanaugh before he caused any more harm or began masturbating again.”

Bystanders say that police had to physically carry Kavanaugh from the bar, and that he was screaming and yelling and snarling the entire time. Kavanaugh was held overnight, and released on $20,000 bail.

Florida Millionaire Arrested After Authorities Discover Over 700 Bodies Buried In His Backyard

NAPLES, Florida – 

Jerry Richards, 73, was arrested this week at his home in Naples, Florida after a neighbor spotted him very obviously burying a body behind his house. When police arrested Richards, he admitted to having over 700 bodies buried throughout his property. Police have currently exhumed 587 bodies in varying stages of decay.

“Mr. Jerry Richards is likely the most prolific serial killer in history,” said Police Captain Robert Thomas of the Naples Police Department. “Based on the remains we have found so far, Richards has been murdering and burying bodies in his yard for over 35 years.”

According to public records, Richards purchased his Naples home in 1982, when he was 38-years-old. Richards came into money after his father, Carl Richards, left him a large inheritance, which he invested in both stocks and real estate. Upon his arrest, Richards net worth was well over $35 million.

Although the District Attorney believes the case to be “open and shut,” Richards has not yet stood before a judge to determine bail. With Richards’ excessive means, it’s likely he will be denied bail and forced to sit in jail awaiting sentencing. If convicted, Richards will likely be given the death penalty.

BREAKING: Donald Trump Secretly Hired Illegal Immigrants To Start Building Border Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Top secret documents leaked to the press by a White House staffer showed that President Trump ordered the hiring of over 2,000 illegal immigrants to begin working on his border wall between Texas and Mexico. The documents, released to the press only hours ago, also stated that he was prepared to offer each worker upwards of $40 an hour.

“This is a goddamn outrage,” said construction worker Chris Thomas. “I have been bidding for the border wall job for nearly a year, and it’s the goddamn illegals that get the job? Isn’t the whole point of the wall to keep these sand people out of the fucking country?”

Trump released a statement on Twitter, stating that “all suspicion of illegals being used for labor at the border are false.” He went on to say that “Fake News” had struck again.

“I would never hire undocumented workers,” tweeted Trump. “The Fake News Media has struck again, and you’re all buying it. We don’t have any staffers in the WH that would leak that news, even if it were true.”

Harvey Weinstein Reportedly Attacked, Raped in Prison While Awaiting Sentencing

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

No more than 72 hours after turning himself into authorities after allegations he sexually assaulted dozens of women of the last few decades, Harvey Weinstein has reportedly been “savagely beaten and raped, and left for dead” in a prison cell while he was awaiting sentencing.

According to police, Weinstein was supposed to be in a “restricted cell,” designed for celebrities and rich socialites, and to protect sexual deviants. Unfortunately, prison officials say there was a “slight mix-up,” and Weinstein was put into the general population.

“He only was with his cellmate for about 15 minutes before we found a massacre in the cell,” said Warden Shawn Michaels. “It was really one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.”

Weinstein was rushed to an area hospital after the prison facilities proved to be unfit for his medical needs. He is currently in a medical-induced coma. Prison officials say that although there were only the two men in the cell – Weinstein and another unnamed prisoner – they currently have no leads on the attack, and say they are “looking into it.”

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.