Netflix Announces Plans to Pick Up Cancelled ‘Roseanne’ Show – ‘We Don’t Care If She’s a Racist Pig’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Earlier this morning, ABC Networks, which are owned by Disney, dumped the hit TV revival of Roseanne, announcing their would be no second season because of a series of racist tweets by star and creator, Roseanne Barr.

Roseanne tweeted inappropriate comments comparing a former member of Barack Obama’s staff to an ape – among other insane comments bashing Muslims and Hillary supporters.

Despite the backlash, Netflix has announced that they will “gladly” pick-up the cancelled series for continuation.

“We have no problems with what Roseanne said in her tweets – those are her personal opinions, and they have nothing to do with making money, which she is very, very good at,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. “ABC hadn’t seen numbers like hers in years, and they were absolutely stupid to dump it while she’s still hot. We have already decided to add Roseanne to our platform, and know that our viewers will be ecstatic.

Although parts of the new season were already shot before the show was cancelled, there were no completed episodes, and Hastings has said they will start from scratch, but that viewers will be “very excited” by the changes.

“For starters, we want to push it to a TV-MA rating, which we think is more real, and will connect more with viewers,” said Hastings. “But we have some other changes as well, it’s all very early in talks, but it’s happening. We don’t care at all about Roseanne herself being a racist pig, we just want to offer the best programming available.”

Meghan Markle Files For Divorce After Getting Gut-Wrenching Surprise on Royal Honeymoon

ALBERTA, Canada –

It has been leaked by a friend close to the new Royal Couple that the honeymoon is already over and Meghan Markle has filed for divorce after she discovered a “horrible, gut-wrenching surprise” when the couple went to consummate their marriage.

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“Meghan never thought about how her new husband would also have fiery red pubes, and when she undid his pants in the honeymoon suite, she nearly collapsed in shock,” said the unnamed friend. “She even vomited in her mouth a bit. Apparently, ginger pubes are as terrifying as everyone has always said.”

Markle married Prince Harry in a wedding ceremony last week that garnered millions of television views, and spawned countless absurd collectible items – from coins to cookies shaped like the couple to bikinis.

“Harry told her that he would shave, and stay shaved forever, but the damage was already done,” said the friend. “I don’t think there’s ever anyone who has come back after seeing ginger pubes. Not all the money, fame, and royalty in the world can save that marriage.”

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Killed During FBI Raid of Her New York Home

CHAPPAQUA, New York – 

According to reports circulating this evening, Hillary Clinton has been killed after an FBI raid on her home went south, and agents were forced to open fire.

“When we entered the home, we anticipated that there would be no issues, no problems,” said FBI raid coordinator Chris Thompson. “What we found was Hillary screaming at us to ‘get the fuck out’ of her house. When we insisted we had a warrant, she brandished a shotgun at us, and my men were forced to put her down.”

More details on the events will be released as they are announced.

President Trump has released an official statement (via Twitter):

Pope Francis Accidentally Holds Up Copy of Vintage Porn Mag Instead of Bible During Sermon

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis committed what many are calling a “mortal sin,” but at the very least is something of a faux pas, after he accidentally held up a copy of the vintage porn magazine Beaver instead of his bible during Mass in Vatican City.

“The Pope was very tired that day, and didn’t realize that he had picked up the wrong item,” said Vatican spokesperson Cardinal John Devoux. “His mistake was quickly noted, and he threw the magazine away, and continued with his sermon.”

Although Pope Francis has not personally acknowledged the incident, the Vatican has admitted that they do not know how the magazine came to be in the possession of the Church, or why it was nearby during the Pope’s Mass.

The issue, which was photographed being held up by Pope Francis, is over 20 years old.

Colorado Announces Plans To Release All Prisoners Currently Incarcerated For Marijuana Crimes

DENVER, Colorado – 

The state of Colorado has announced plans to release all prisoners currently serving time for marijuana-related offenses, roughly 6 years after the state legalized the recreational use of the drug.

This decision was made after several non-violent criminals, arrested or serving time for low-level marijuana-related crimes petitioned the state legislature to hear their cases. With the backing of the ACLU, the 9 prisoners were able to win their release – along with the release of anyone else serving.

“We cannot, in good conscience, allow people to be spending time in prison for something that is not a crime anymore, and that people are allowed to do freely on the outside,” said ACLU representative and lawyer, Carl Urbex. “This is a major win for marijuana users, and I sincerely hope that other states with laws similar to ours follow suit.”

BREAKING: Bill Cosby Found Dead in His Home After Reportedly Taking His Entire Stash of Roofies

PITTSBURGH, PA –

Police are reporting that comedian, actor, and convicted rapist Bill Cosby has been found dead in his home of an apparent suicide. Medical reports indicate that he took his entire stash of roofies, and collapsed due to cardiac arrest.

“Mr. Cosby, as we all know very well now, was a rapist who enjoyed drugging women and sexually assaulting them,” said Police Captain Phil Huxtable of the PA County Sheriff’s Department. “It appears that in an effort to avoid a prison sentence, one where he no doubt would have stayed until he died, he decided to take his own life by resorting to ‘hitting off his own stash,’ as it were.”

Cpt. Huxtable says that Cosby likely took over 150 Rohpynol pills, often called “roofies” or the “date rape drug.” These are also likely the same pills that Cosby used to drug and rape dozens and dozens and dozens of women over the years. He was found guilty earlier this week of 3 counts of sexual assault. Each count had a maximum sentence of 10 years, and individual fines of $25,000 per offense.

BREAKING: Facebook Was Just SOLD To The Government Over Growing User Privacy Concerns

Secret, closed door negotiations have finally been made public after an agreement was reached by the US Government to purchase the social media giant for $10 billion.

via Now8News:


There is no doubt that Facebook has been a runaway success – but for who? It has been long suspected that Facebook has been feeding information to the NSA, CIA and other government entities and that they excessively use this site to monitor the online activity of Facebook users. The US government has already been caught taking dodgy steps with individual privacy. 

There’s no denying the information gained by Facebook from its users is valuable to a degree and there is no question that the US government has been caught gathering private information without people’s consent. Does this mean the government now has an even larger agenda ahead of them? The government has made increasingly frequent demands for information from ISPs (Internet service providers), telecom companies, and other social media sites.

But the information generated by Facebook users has been the government’s primary resource on the American people. Insiders with confidential knowledge say that Zuckerberg is tired of the increasing demands from government entities. Finally, it has pushed him over the edge to sell. However, $10 billion is not a bad payday! But will you keep your Facebook account? Are you concerned about the privacy issues?


 

BREAKING: Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg Kidnapped While Vacationing in Belize

BELMOPAN, Belize – 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been kidnapped by Belize terrorists while vacationing with his family in the capital city of Belmopan. Police in Belize have received a single correspondence from the kidnappers, demanding $2 billion dollars in cash for his safe return.

Zuckerberg, who has a net worth of $70 billion, was visiting Belmopan with his family for a month-long vacation, and was reportedly taken by several men in masks who threw him into a van. His wife, who was with him at the time, was unharmed, and phoned police.

At this time, police are uncertain if Zuckerberg is alive, but remain hopeful that the kidnappers plan to abide by their word, and release him upon payment. Zuckerberg’s wife, Priscilla Chan, has said that they will pay the ransom immediately, as “$2 billion is really nothing when you have $68 billion more to play with.”

She says that once he is safely returned, they will continue their vacation.

The NRA Just Announced Plans To Back Bill to BAN Assault Rifles on Federal Level

FAIRFAX, Virginia – 

The National Rifle Association has just angered nearly all of their 6 million members, after NRA head Wayne LaPierre announced that group would back a bill headed to congress that would ban assault rifles on the federal level.

“While we are still firm believes and stand in line with the second amendment, we are also realists, and have seen the facts,” said LaPierre. “There is no reason that any individual owns an assault rifle in this day and age. While hunting is a fine sport, that’s all it is – a sport. No one needs to kill an animal to eat anymore. And from a protection standpoint, there are many other rifles and numerous handguns that will just as quickly stop an intruder in your home.”

LaPierre says the group has been pressured to come to this decision after numerous public shootings, including the Florida school shooting last month which left 17 dead, and was perpetrated by someone with an AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle.

“Parkland was the final straw for us, and for many others who have children, and see this needless violence continuing,” said LaPierre. “From my cold, dead hands is fine, but the cold, dead hands of my children? That’s not okay.”

Bill Cosby In Critical Condition After Being Attacked By Woman He Raped 35 Years Ago

SAN DIEGO, California – 

Famed falled comedian Bill Cosby was rushed to a San Diego hospital after he was found violently beaten outside of his home. Police say that a neighbor called 911 after they saw Cosby laying in a pool of blood by his mailbox. A woman, whose name has not yet been released, has been arrested in conjunction with the assault.

According to police, the woman claims that Cosby raped her nearly 35 years ago, and that she felt it was “her time.”

Cosby has been accused by dozens of women of sexual misconduct over his long career, including several who say he drugged them and assaulted them while they were unconscious. Cosby, who was once the most loved man on television, has found himself the butt of jokes by other comedians who once idolized him.

Doctors say that Cosby is in stable, but critical condition. He was taken in with multiple broken ribs, a crack vertebrae in his neck, two broken wrists, as well as multiple contusions and cuts across his whole body. He was stabbed in the chest 3 times with what police say was a “very small” pocketknife.

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