President Trump Vows To Lower Severity of Sexual Assault Crimes, Hopes To Make Them ‘Ticketable’ Offenses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump said this morning during a press conference that the “MeToo movement has gone too far,” and that “too many honest, hardworking men are being thrown under the bus with lies and malicious intent,” and that he plans to spend the rest of his time in office working to reduce the severity of rape and sexual assault charges.

“In this world that we live, many men are having their lives ruined by false allegations and exaggerated claims, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said President Trump. “I myself have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, as have many of my close friends, and it’s sickening. It’s terrifying to live as a man right now, and know that at any time, some woman who you may not even know could come forward and say that you forcibly kissed her, or groped her, or that you offered her money to sit on your face, and it could ruin your life. It’s disgusting behavior on the part of these women.”

Trump went on to say that he felt that the transgressions of young men, if they happen at all, should be forgotten or pushed aside based on the work they’ve done and accomplished in the years since.

“I will not comment publicly on whether or not I believe Brett Kavanaugh assaulted anyone, even though we all clearly know that he didn’t,” said President Trump. “What I do know is that the accusations are destroying him and his family, and that’s not right. It’s for MeToo to go away quietly.”

President Trump said that he hopes to pass new laws that would decrease the criminal statute that would imprison people like Bill Cosby, who was sentenced to 3-10 years for sexual assault, and instead would allow men who are found guilty to pay a sort of fine, or restitution to the plaintiff.

“It  is my hope that my son can grow up in a world where no woman will ever accuse him of touching her inappropriately, whether he did or not,” said Trump. “I want to keep Making America Great Again, and at this point, this is my number one concern.”

Brett Kavanaugh Arrested After Night of Heavy Binge Drinking, Public Masturbation at D.C. Dive Bar

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Brett Kavanaugh, who is currently under scrutiny for allegedly sexually assaulting several women decades ago while drunk in high school, was arrested last night after police were called to local Washington, D.C. dive bar Good Head.

Kavanaugh, who is trying to obtain a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court, was reportedly detained by security after he allegedly removed his penis from his pants, and begin vigorously masturbating in the busy bar, before urinating all over himself, falling into the fetal position, and crying.

“When we arrived, Mr. Kavanaugh was beyond drunk, which from recent news reports, is perfectly in line with what we know about him,” said police chief Mario Lewis. “When we tried to detain him, Mr. Kavanaugh became unruly and violent, and assaulted two of my officers. A third officer was able to tase Mr. Kavanaugh before he caused any more harm or began masturbating again.”

Bystanders say that police had to physically carry Kavanaugh from the bar, and that he was screaming and yelling and snarling the entire time. Kavanaugh was held overnight, and released on $20,000 bail.

Florida Millionaire Arrested After Authorities Discover Over 700 Bodies Buried In His Backyard

NAPLES, Florida – 

Jerry Richards, 73, was arrested this week at his home in Naples, Florida after a neighbor spotted him very obviously burying a body behind his house. When police arrested Richards, he admitted to having over 700 bodies buried throughout his property. Police have currently exhumed 587 bodies in varying stages of decay.

“Mr. Jerry Richards is likely the most prolific serial killer in history,” said Police Captain Robert Thomas of the Naples Police Department. “Based on the remains we have found so far, Richards has been murdering and burying bodies in his yard for over 35 years.”

According to public records, Richards purchased his Naples home in 1982, when he was 38-years-old. Richards came into money after his father, Carl Richards, left him a large inheritance, which he invested in both stocks and real estate. Upon his arrest, Richards net worth was well over $35 million.

Although the District Attorney believes the case to be “open and shut,” Richards has not yet stood before a judge to determine bail. With Richards’ excessive means, it’s likely he will be denied bail and forced to sit in jail awaiting sentencing. If convicted, Richards will likely be given the death penalty.

BREAKING: Donald Trump Secretly Hired Illegal Immigrants To Start Building Border Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Top secret documents leaked to the press by a White House staffer showed that President Trump ordered the hiring of over 2,000 illegal immigrants to begin working on his border wall between Texas and Mexico. The documents, released to the press only hours ago, also stated that he was prepared to offer each worker upwards of $40 an hour.

“This is a goddamn outrage,” said construction worker Chris Thomas. “I have been bidding for the border wall job for nearly a year, and it’s the goddamn illegals that get the job? Isn’t the whole point of the wall to keep these sand people out of the fucking country?”

Trump released a statement on Twitter, stating that “all suspicion of illegals being used for labor at the border are false.” He went on to say that “Fake News” had struck again.

“I would never hire undocumented workers,” tweeted Trump. “The Fake News Media has struck again, and you’re all buying it. We don’t have any staffers in the WH that would leak that news, even if it were true.”

Harvey Weinstein Reportedly Attacked, Raped in Prison While Awaiting Sentencing

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

No more than 72 hours after turning himself into authorities after allegations he sexually assaulted dozens of women of the last few decades, Harvey Weinstein has reportedly been “savagely beaten and raped, and left for dead” in a prison cell while he was awaiting sentencing.

According to police, Weinstein was supposed to be in a “restricted cell,” designed for celebrities and rich socialites, and to protect sexual deviants. Unfortunately, prison officials say there was a “slight mix-up,” and Weinstein was put into the general population.

“He only was with his cellmate for about 15 minutes before we found a massacre in the cell,” said Warden Shawn Michaels. “It was really one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.”

Weinstein was rushed to an area hospital after the prison facilities proved to be unfit for his medical needs. He is currently in a medical-induced coma. Prison officials say that although there were only the two men in the cell – Weinstein and another unnamed prisoner – they currently have no leads on the attack, and say they are “looking into it.”

There Were No School Shootings In The United States This Week, Marking The First Time in 2018

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the first time since October of 2017, there were no school shootings in the entire United States this week, and police throughout the country are breathing a huge sigh of relief.

“Every week, you never know if it’s going to be your town that it happens, that your station is the next to get the call,” said Deputy Michael Rick of the Miami Police Department, a 23-year veteran. “So far, we’ve been lucky here. We have had plenty of other gun violence, but no school shootings. We’re always prepared, though. You have to be.”

The sentiments were echoed by hundreds of officers around the country that we spoke to, with nearly all of them saying that they’re dreading the day it happens in their town.

“It almost seems like it’s not an ‘if’ anymore, but a ‘when,'” said Chief Mario Francis of the Dallas-Forth Worth State Patrol. “I have 3 young kids in school in the area, and I don’t know what I’d do. All I know is, if I have to shoot a kid before he shoots my kid, I’ll goddamn do it.”

BREAKING: George H.W. Bush In Hospital; Doctors Say He Won’t Last Through The Weekend

PENSACOLA, Florida – 

Former President George H.W. Bush was rushed to a Florida hospital after he said he “felt dizzy” on Thursday morning, and doctors say that he may have been suffering from low blood pressure.

“Honestly, he just is getting up there in years, but he’s actually pretty damn healthy considering,” said Dr. Jimmy Clinton. “He came in a little dizzy and lightheaded, but we gave him some IV fluids and a heart pill, and he was laughing and joking, slapping nurses on the ass, having a grand old time.”

Bush has been in and out of the hospital several times in as many months, including a recent scare right after his wife, Barbara, passed away.

“Yes, that was a tough time for us all here,” said Dr. Clinton. “Barbara was an amazing woman, and when George was brought in only days after she died, we thought he might be ready to join her – but instead, he rolled on out of here in only a couple days. Frankly, he is ready to go home this time, too. Yeah, I don’t think he’ll last the weekend here at the hospital. He’ll be home soon.”

Netflix Announces Plans to Pick Up Cancelled ‘Roseanne’ Show – ‘We Don’t Care If She’s a Racist Pig’

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Earlier this morning, ABC Networks, which are owned by Disney, dumped the hit TV revival of Roseanne, announcing their would be no second season because of a series of racist tweets by star and creator, Roseanne Barr.

Roseanne tweeted inappropriate comments comparing a former member of Barack Obama’s staff to an ape – among other insane comments bashing Muslims and Hillary supporters.

Despite the backlash, Netflix has announced that they will “gladly” pick-up the cancelled series for continuation.

“We have no problems with what Roseanne said in her tweets – those are her personal opinions, and they have nothing to do with making money, which she is very, very good at,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. “ABC hadn’t seen numbers like hers in years, and they were absolutely stupid to dump it while she’s still hot. We have already decided to add Roseanne to our platform, and know that our viewers will be ecstatic.

Although parts of the new season were already shot before the show was cancelled, there were no completed episodes, and Hastings has said they will start from scratch, but that viewers will be “very excited” by the changes.

“For starters, we want to push it to a TV-MA rating, which we think is more real, and will connect more with viewers,” said Hastings. “But we have some other changes as well, it’s all very early in talks, but it’s happening. We don’t care at all about Roseanne herself being a racist pig, we just want to offer the best programming available.”

Meghan Markle Files For Divorce After Getting Gut-Wrenching Surprise on Royal Honeymoon

ALBERTA, Canada –

It has been leaked by a friend close to the new Royal Couple that the honeymoon is already over and Meghan Markle has filed for divorce after she discovered a “horrible, gut-wrenching surprise” when the couple went to consummate their marriage.

“Meghan never thought about how her new husband would also have fiery red pubes, and when she undid his pants in the honeymoon suite, she nearly collapsed in shock,” said the unnamed friend. “She even vomited in her mouth a bit. Apparently, ginger pubes are as terrifying as everyone has always said.”

Markle married Prince Harry in a wedding ceremony last week that garnered millions of television views, and spawned countless absurd collectible items – from coins to cookies shaped like the couple to bikinis.

“Harry told her that he would shave, and stay shaved forever, but the damage was already done,” said the friend. “I don’t think there’s ever anyone who has come back after seeing ginger pubes. Not all the money, fame, and royalty in the world can save that marriage.”

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Killed During FBI Raid of Her New York Home

CHAPPAQUA, New York – 

According to reports circulating this evening, Hillary Clinton has been killed after an FBI raid on her home went south, and agents were forced to open fire.

“When we entered the home, we anticipated that there would be no issues, no problems,” said FBI raid coordinator Chris Thompson. “What we found was Hillary screaming at us to ‘get the fuck out’ of her house. When we insisted we had a warrant, she brandished a shotgun at us, and my men were forced to put her down.”

More details on the events will be released as they are announced.

President Trump has released an official statement (via Twitter):

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