Pope Francis Tries To Curb Molestation In The Church, Declares That Priests Can Marry

Posted on March 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN CITY –

Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.

“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”

Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.

Statue Of Virgin Mary Falls From Roof, Kills Church Member; Church Refuses To Pay For Funeral

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTERVILLE, Arkansas –

A statue of the virgin Mary fell from the roof of the Catholic Church of the Immaculate Conception, killing Margaret Whineburg, 57, instantly. Her husband, Jacob Whineburg, is demanding restitution for her death. The church claims the accident was an act of God and refuses to submit the claim to their insurance.

“My wife was everything to me,” says Whineburg. “We’d do everything together. Begging for change, dumpster diving, finding cans to return. Maggy had my back, and I had hers for over 30 years. It would have been me who died had she not pushed me out of the way. God is dead to me.”

The church says that they are not responsible, and that the statue was repaired only a scant 15 years ago, and should have held just fine.

“What happened to the woman is unfortunate, but it is all part of God’s plan. Furthermore, her husband is homeless. If we give the money to him, he will just use it on drugs and alcohol,” says Rev. Daniel Comboni. “He is welcome to come to our food kitchen at any time if he is in need of a meal, but I’m afraid that’s the best we will do.”

Tom Cruise Says He’s Leaving Church of Scientology

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Cruise, one of the most prolific A-list actors on the planet, is known almost as much for his bizarre religious beliefs as he is for his star power in action films like Mission:Impossible. But Cruise may be making a turn for the “normal,” as it was announced by his publicist this morning that Cruise was planning on leaving the Church of Scientology.

“Mr. Cruise has decided that he has spent enough money learning the secrets of the Church, and it is time for him to leave,” said Cruise’s agent, Mario Rubio. “Although this will be a difficult step, as the Church of Scientology is a known cult that often threatens people who leave with violence and lawsuits, Mr. Cruise feels he is above the reach of scientology.”

According to the Church, which was created by science-fiction writer L.Ron Hubbard, persons of a high rank in the organization, which Cruise is considered, are never allowed to leave, and sign documents declaring that they will not.

“Tom has a lot of high powered lawyers behind him, and he isn’t worried,” said Rubio. “Really, he just wants to spend a little bit of normal, regular time with his kids, without the Church’s involvement. It’s about time, too, if you ask me. It’s bound to make his next movie an even bigger hit, since there were definitely people who would not see his films due to his insane theories.”

Teen Dies In ‘Scared Straight’ Haunted House Run By Christian Church

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TEXARKANA, Texas –

A young boy has reportedly died after visiting one of Texarkana’s Christian-run haunted houses. The “scared straight” haunted houses are a twist on a traditional haunted house, designed to scare people who live a life of sin into walking the path of the righteous, so that upon their death they can get into Heaven.

According to reports in the Texarkana Times, a young boy, Michael Matthews, 13, was so scared about the possibility of going to Hell, that he had a heart attack during the event.

“Our son was a good boy, but he was very scared of burning in eternal hellfire, as he should have been,” said Michael’s mother, Theresa Matthews. “He knew that he needed to walk with Jesus, but he was having a hard time doing so. He masturbated constantly. He didn’t eat his vegetables. He listened to pop music. The devil was in him, so we took him to the Hell House.”

The Hell House is one of many church-run haunted houses in the country, but the first one that was so terrifying that it actually killed someone.

“We are very saddened that our haunted house was too terrifying for one of our guests,” said church spokesman Mary Lambert. “We do design it to scare children, teens, and adults into walking to the light with Jesus. Apparently one such child was such a Hellion, that his own heart couldn’t take it.”

Lambert says that the entire church’s sympathies are with the Michael’s parents as his soul burns in the darkest corners of eternal hell.

Members Of Westboro Baptist Church Say Oreo Cookies Promote Interracial Orgies

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Members of the outspoken, infamous, and highly controversial Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, are expected to travel to East Hanover, New Jersey next week to protest outside Nabisco headquarters, where they will condemn the production of Oreo cookies. They say the chocolate cookies with the white cream filling subliminally suggests to consumers to participate in interracial orgies and affairs.

John Dunston, 46, of Topeka and one of thirty-nine active members of the church, says that Nabisco is primarily targeting white females to subliminally take part in sexual activities with multiple African-American men.

“Just look at the cookie. It has a sweet, creamy, soft, white filling, with a hard brown cookie on the bottom and a hard brown cookie on top. This is obviously supporting and suggesting evil acts between a white female and two black males,” Dunston said. “We have had enough of this garbage, and we are going to make a stand to condemn this evil.”

Dunston went on to say all members of Westboro Baptist Church will be traveling to New Jersey sometime next week to participate in a “game changing protest,”

Opponents of the church say they believe interracial sexual activity is not a sin, such as 24-year-old Marquis Thompson. “I mean, you know, if a white girl wants to live out her fantasy with a couple strapping niggas, then so be it. It’s a free country ain’t it? They just mad because they all fat ugly white people, and they stupid as shit. Listen bruh, people gon’ do what people wanna do, this is the home of the free and streets of da free – black, white, yellow, don’t mean shit in the United States of America, believe that,” Thompson said.

Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants ‘Peppa Pig’ Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Superstar television evangelist T.D. Jakes is in the news this morning, after ranting about a popular children’s cartoon during a radio interview on WGOD AM, a non-profit, non-denominational based radio program which airs throughout the state of Texas.

Jakes, who is Bishop of The Potter’s House, the famous mega-church located in Dallas, claims that the animated children’s program Peppa Pig contains several unethical subconscious messages, most notably of sexual and racist content.

“We live together in a loving world, and sometimes that gets taken advantage of in an evil manner,” Jakes said. “Recently it was brought to my attention by a nice young lady in our congregation that while watching the cartoon program Peppa Pig, she noticed several suspicious, and very adult, references. When I sat down with her to watch an episode, I was overwhelmingly appalled to learn that her suspicions were, in fact, reality.”

The 57-year-old Man of God went on to explain that the characters featured on Peppa Pig highly resembled penises, and that characters were often gallivanting and making racist comments.

“They snort and laugh at the other animals, making fun of anyone who is not a pig. Plus, all the pig faces are drawn to look like penises and testicles. In the episode I watched, they told the rabbit and the turtle to ‘sit in the back of the bus’ as they snorted and giggled,” Jakes said. “It’s really inappropriate for young children. They even make reference to ‘muddy puddles,’ which is definitely a slang for African-Americans if I’ve ever heard one. Despicable!”

This is not the first time Peppa Pig has been called out for being racist. Members of the Muslim communities in the United Kingdom, where the show is recorded and produced, signed a petition in recent months claiming the show was clearly anti-Muslim and promoted the gross consumption of pork.

Empire News attempted to contact Jakes to no avail, but Nickelodeon officials did return an email saying there was absolutely no truth behind the claims of racism or sexual innuendo, and that the popular children’s program would continue to be aired in heavy rotation.

Peppa Pig, as most parents of toddlers are no doubt aware, currently airs at least 167 times daily, on networks such as Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. in the United States, and several others internationally.

Pope Francis Stepping Down, Says ‘There is no God’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

Pope Francis shocked the Catholic world today announcing that he plans on stepping down from his position. Papal Resignation is extremely rare, and this will only be the 7th time in the history of the church. Pope Francis made his announcement from his balcony in Vatican City to thousand of shocked spectators.

“I have come to the conclusion there is no God,” said Pope Francis, a man who has become known for his unorthodox views on the Catholic church. “I have dedicated my life to the church. Clearly, so many wasted years of unanswered prayers. I can no longer in good faith head the church anymore, as whatever spirit that had filled my heart is gone.”

A shocked crowd of onlookers became extremely quiet as the Pontiff continued, many of whom openly wept.

“I will stay on long enough for another Pope to be chosen, of course. I know many of you will be upset, but please be happy for me and my new life. I plan on spending my remaining years traveling, maybe finding a good woman and settling down. Hell, maybe even a good man. Who knows? It’s a new day, and I solemnly believe that everyone should choose to live their life the way they want. I wish you all the best and don’t let my decision stop you from believing in an imaginary God, if that’s what you want to do.”

”Pope Francis’ decision comes as no surprise to Vatican insiders, his hard-line stance on altar boy molestation, his generosity to the poor, and his blessing of gay marriage have made unpopular among priests of the church,” says Vatican reporter Francesco Rinaldi. “Some say the Pope was being blackmailed to step down by Church officials. Whatever the reason, most look forward to his departure so the Church can get back to business as usual – hating gays and bashing sinners.”

Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

In a stunning move yesterday, Pope Francis has had a major reversal on his position of gay marriage. As leader of the Catholic Church, his blessing of gay marriage has upended an almost 2000 year position on the subject. Throughout the world, gay and lesbian Catholic couples celebrated the Pope’s change of heart. Here in the United States, this will no doubt influence many states to finally legalize gay marriage.

“For too many years, the church has excluded a whole segment of the population. I see now that this was wrong and I humbly ask for forgiveness,” said His Holiness, Pope Francis, in a written statement. “I would like to thank the special, anonymous person that changed my mind, for the DVD they sent me changed my life. They know who they are. I now see that the love gay couples share is equal to the love all couples share. I would also like to thank Miss Sasha Grey and Miss Raven Riley for the film they made, Lessons In Lesbian Licking 14, as it has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I have ordered Lessons 1-13 now as well, for I feel it is my obligation to explore those that have been neglected by the Church. I have sent numerous messages to Miss Grey and Miss Riley for them to come visit me here at the Vatican, but I have yet to get a response. It is my hope this message reaches them.”

“It’s fabulous! Just super-fab!” said Larry Lance, an openly gay man in San Diego. “If the Pope was here right now, I would kiss that silly hat of his. Turns out he’s a horny old man, but who cares?! God bless him! Today I’m proud to say ‘I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m Catholic!’”

Westboro Baptist Church Members Now Claiming ‘God Hates Jesus’

Posted on June 28, 2014 by Angela Baker

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Westboro Baptist Church, everyone’s favorite radical religious group, are making their presence known again across the world. Apparently, even the Son of God isn’t safe from the damnation of the Westboro Baptist family, as the Phelps’ clan has said they are moving on from just protesting the funerals of soldiers, to protesting what they consider an even bigger threat – Jesus Himself.

According to the Shirley Phelps-Roper, one of the head members of the church, Heaven is a relatively empty place, reserved exclusively for the dwindling Phelps brood, dumpster kittens, and aborted babies, while the majority of people are sent to Hell for an eternal damnation. While most consider Westboro a hate-group (they are banned from both Canada and the UK because of their protests), the Phelps family feels they are the authority on God.

Since 1991, The Westboro Baptist Church has earned themselves scores of bad publicity, protesting funerals of fallen soldiers, bullied suicide victims, and more. Signs that read “God Hates Fag-Enablers” and “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” are often held by members of the church during their pickets. While they have said they consider the American people the worst abomination in the eyes of the Lord, the second biggest offender is God’s only begotten son, Jesus.

According to the family, since his death in March of 2014, Fred Phelps has appeared in the dreams of multiple members, communicating from beyond the grave, telling them of God’s hate for Jesus.

“He’s a fag-enabling pansy. God Hates Jesus, and the only thing the Father regrets more than impregnating Mary is creating humanity in the first place.“ Said Phelps to several of his granddaughters through their dreams.

“We certainly won’t stop delivering God’s Message.” Said Phelps-Roper. “God has always hated the fags and the fag-enablers of this country. What we didn’t know until my father came to us was that he hates his only son even more.”

According to the members’ dreams, God and Jesus have been at odds over humanity for some time. While God prefers the fire and brimstone approach, Jesus is all peace and love.

When reached for comment about their new mission, Phelps-Roper screamed over everybody, repeating her rehearsed dogma, while avoiding actually answering any questions.

“Nathum 1:2, ‘The Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord is avenging and wrathful.'” Said Phelps-Roper, a self-righteous smile on her face and a chorus of Westboro children chanting Jesus-Lovers Will Burn In Gay Hell behind her. “When judgement day comes, God is certainly not going to ‘turn the other cheek.'”

On July 4th, Independence Day, the Westboro Baptist Church are preparing a picket of the annual fireworks show at the White House in Washington, D.C., prepared to show the world their new chosen path against Jesus and His followers.

“Just because [Fred Phelps] has passed on doesn’t mean we will stop spreading the Gospel,” Phelps-Roper insisted. “We are hand-chosen by God to deliver this message. You have the choice to listen and repent, or perish and burn for an eternity in Hell.”