‘Westboro Baptist Church’ Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

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TOPEKA, Kansas – 'Westboro Baptist Church' Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

Westboro Baptist Church, known more for its theatrical, attention-getting demonstrations than for its spreading of the gospel, finally admitted what many have suspected all along – it’s all been a colossal prank.

“It started in the church basement,” said former member and amateur performer Keith Lindsay. “We were losing members and money, so I formed an improv group called Winging It. We dressed up as angels and did lighthearted skits based on good deeds.”

The improvised good deeds changed depending on the audience, as Lindsay explained. “Sometimes we’d be at the mall and some woman would walk by wearing the most disastrously put together, wretched outfit, so we’d re-style her! I’d reach into my big bag and give her a makeover right on the spot! I have a talent for that,” he added.

The small-scale improv wasn’t giving the church the exposure they wanted, so Lindsay decided to “take things up a notch” in in effort to recruit more members. The troupe began acting out the most dramatic scenes from the Bible.

“We were stoning this woman at the mall once,” said Lindsay, “when a mother with her little boy said we should stop because it was too violent for her son to see. Well I was exhausted from being up all night practicing my improv and making all those paper mache rocks, and I lost my temper, but I stayed in character which is an improv comedy rule.”

Lindsay’s ‘ah-ha’ moment came when he criticized the young mother for dressing her young son in a pink shirt. “I said, ‘God hates the pink shirts and your son looks like a ‘you-know-what.’ She clearly didn’t know what I meant, and because I was still ‘in the moment’ I suddenly blurted out, ‘GOD HATES FAGS!’ and that’s how the whole thing started! The moment was so electric! I was trembling!” said Lindsay.

From that point forward, the church found themselves flooded with new members, all volunteering to make signs, protest funerals, and picket every event they could possibly think of.

“So that’s the story,” said Lindsay. “It was all just an act. The idea started as an improv comedy bit that we thought could get us some attention and new members, and it just blew up from there! I’m so relieved to finally come out and tell the truth,” he said. “‘Pastor’ Fred Phelps was a genius, and he took my blow-up at that woman in the mall to new heights. Once he got his daughter Shirley in front of a crowd, with her empty gaze and haggard looks, the entire thing became more believable than ever. I credit Fred and Shirley in making these little bits we had into a work of comedic excellence.”

Lindsay left the church when founder Fred Phelps passed away in March 2014, and is now focusing on a solo performing career.

“It was time to move on,” said the actor, but right now I’m writing my own one-man show, so just move over Liza Minnelli! Step aside Lada Gaga! I’m getting my act together and taking it on the road!”

Two Westboro Baptist Church Members Arrested, Accused Of Child Molestation

TOPEKA, Kansas – Two Westboro Baptist Church Members Arrested, Accused Of Child Molestation

Two members of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church have been arrested on child molestation charges, according to Topeka Police Department spokesperson Michelle Somerville.

51-year-old Parker Eugene Williamson and his 38-year-old wife, Janelle Williamson, both reportedly members of the Westboro Baptist Church, were arrested and booked early this morning. Due to the nature of the arrest, details of the molestation charges have been sealed under court order by Shawnee County judge Herman Jacoby. However, Somerville was able to share with the media that the couple were also facing charges of drug possession, animal cruelty, and resisting arrest.

“A warrant was issued to search the Williamson residence. Inside police discovered a bedroom in the house had been chained and padlocked from the outside. I can tell you that there was a child, the couples only son, and three neglected, malnourished dogs, no other details about what was uncovered in that room cannot be disclosed at this time,” Somerville said. “Of course, they also had a room filled with ridiculous, nonsensical signs they use when picketing. I think that’s a prerequisite for these people.”

The arrests took place just days after the church announced plans to picket the funeral of famed actor and comedian Robin Williams. Westboro Baptist Church members are known for their picketing of United States soldiers who have died in battle, celebrities, and mostly for their extreme anti-gay standing. Thankfully, they were not aware that Williams had requested cremation, and his ashes were scattered quietly without incident from the Church.

Shirley Phelps-Roper, the daughter of deceased WBC founder Fred Phelps, was reached by telephone shortly after the arrests were made, and she blatantly refused comment on the matter, claiming she didn’t know the Williamsons, and that anyone who asked would surely ‘burn in hell like all the other fag enablers.’

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Due to the anti-gay stance of the church, and their supposed technique of only using words and no violence, an organization named Planting Peace, who opposes the church and is located right across the street from their home, is planning to continue to raise money in the name of overpowering WBC’s hate by getting people to donate money to charitable causes.

Stanley Unser of Planting Peace had this to said that their organization said they would take donations for suicide prevention, in honor of Williams. “The WBC might not have been able to picket a funeral for a well-loved celebrity, but they planned it. They think these are good things. Death is good. They’re sickos.”

Westboro Baptist Church has become more of a laughing-stock to the public in over time, with internet hatred giving way to peaceful, almost comedic, public protest. Those people who oppose the church, which obviously includes almost every living person on the planet, have increasingly set out to make a mockery of Westboro, mocking their well-known signs and picketing right along with them. People have taken to making their own versions of the hateful signs, using such slogans as “God Hates Signs,” and “God, My Sharpies Are Drying Out” and posing along with church members, taking selfies to post on the internet.

“Based on the number of funny signs, memes, and images found on the internet, it seems that the WBC is losing ground,” says University of Kansas behavioral sciences professor Dr. Carmen Fiorucci. “It truly seems to be that society has always been sickened by the group, which in my opinion is a hate group, even though the White House would not label them as such, but nobody is taking them seriously anymore. They make signs with hateful messages on them, that is their only form of spreading their gospel, which is really just bull—-, and it’s not spreading anymore. They have become a joke to society. The kids making signs to mock them and pose in front of them for photos, and good for them! It shows these loons have been defeated. If these members are proven to have committed the crimes which have been alleged, the burning of the church has begun, you can count on that.”

Somerville stated that the investigating of alleged crimes is being handled with the ‘utmost diligence,’ and details will be released at the proper time.

Westboro Baptist Church Members Now Claiming ‘God Hates Jesus’

 TOPEKA, Kansas – Empire-News-Westboro-Baptist-Church-Now-Claim-God-Hates-Jesus-Christ

Westboro Baptist Church, everyone’s favorite radical religious group, are making their presence known again across the world. Apparently, even the Son of God isn’t safe from the damnation of the Westboro Baptist family, as the Phelps’ clan has said they are moving on from just protesting the funerals of soldiers, to protesting what they consider an even bigger threat – Jesus Himself.

According to the Shirley Phelps-Roper, one of the head members of the church, Heaven is a relatively empty place, reserved exclusively for the dwindling Phelps brood, dumpster kittens, and aborted babies, while the majority of people are sent to Hell for an eternal damnation.  While most consider Westboro a hate-group (they are banned from both Canada and the UK because of their protests), the Phelps family feels they are the authority on God.

Since 1991, The Westboro Baptist Church has earned themselves scores of bad publicity, protesting funerals of fallen soldiers, bullied suicide victims, and more. Signs that read “God Hates Fag-Enablers” and “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” are often held by members of the church during their pickets. While they have said they consider the American people the worst abomination in the eyes of the Lord, the second biggest offender is God’s only begotten son, Jesus.

According to the family, since his death in March of  2014, Fred Phelps has appeared in the dreams of multiple members, communicating from beyond the grave, telling them of God’s hate for Jesus.

“He’s a fag-enabling pansy. God Hates Jesus, and the only thing the Father regrets more than impregnating Mary is creating humanity in the first place.“ Said Phelps to several of his granddaughters through their dreams.

“We certainly won’t stop delivering God’s Message.” Said Phelps-Roper. “God has always hated the fags and the fag-enablers of this country. What we didn’t know until my father came to us was that he hates his only son even more.”

According to the members’ dreams, God and Jesus have been at odds over humanity for some time. While God prefers the fire and brimstone approach, Jesus is all peace and love.

When reached for comment about their new mission, Phelps-Roper screamed over everybody, repeating her rehearsed dogma, while avoiding actually answering any questions.

“Nathum 1:2, ‘The Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord is avenging and wrathful.'” Said Phelps-Roper, a self-righteous smile on her face and a chorus of Westboro children chanting Jesus-Lovers Will Burn In Gay Hell behind her. “When judgement day comes, God is certainly not going to ‘turn the other cheek.'”

On July 4th, Independence Day, the Westboro Baptist Church are preparing a picket of the annual fireworks show at the White House in Washington, D.C., prepared to show the world their new chosen path against Jesus and His followers.

“Just because [Fred Phelps] has passed on doesn’t mean we will stop spreading the Gospel,” Phelps-Roper insisted. “We are hand-chosen by God to deliver this message. You have the choice to listen and repent, or perish and burn for an eternity in Hell.”

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