Kansas Fetus Hoping Abortion Legalized Before It Reaches Third Trimester

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KANSAS CITY, Missouri – 

A Kansas City fetus is optimistic that the state will legalize 2nd trimester abortion before it reaches its 3rd trimester. Kansas currently outlaws the dilation and evacuation (d & c) procedure necessary to abort a pregnancy in the stages in which the fetus is already developed. But there is no indication that changes to the law will come into effect within the next three months.

“Look, being born would not be the worst thing that could happen,” the not-yet-alive being told reporters. “Well, actually it is. Born becomes infant, becomes being who feels immense physical and emotional pain. I don’t wanna go through it. And I don’t have to!”

The fetus’s mother says she is a law-abiding citizen and, although she does not want this baby, she will go through with it if she can find no legal way out, and raise it as her own – which it technically is.

“I’ll have the little bugger. I can take care of it. Yes, I won’t be the most attentive mother, and it’ll grow up maladapted, but what can ya do?”

The ‘little bugger’ asserted that its plan b is to convince its mother to commit the crime so that “I don’t have to do the time. It’s not fair! It’s just not fair! I’m going to campaign, and get other fetuses on my side, and start a petition even. I’m doing everything I can to stop my life from happening.”

Pro-choice activists have been swift to join the fetus’s cause, hoping that this will serve as an example for further legislation.

“It’s usually the mothers who we’re working with, even though we’re doing what we do for those poor unborn babies. Now we have the true victim with us, we know we can win this one.”

Kansas legislators, however, show no signs of backing down. They say that, because the fetus is not yet legally an adult, its opinion does not count, and that “if we give it this, we’re eventually gonna have to let them vote.”

Members Of Westboro Baptist Church Say Oreo Cookies Promote Interracial Orgies

Members Of Westboro Baptist Church Say Oreo Cookies Promote Interracial Orgies

 

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Members of the outspoken, infamous, and highly controversial Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, are expected to travel to East Hanover, New Jersey next week to protest outside Nabisco headquarters, where they will condemn the production of Oreo cookies. They say the chocolate cookies with the white cream filling subliminally suggests to consumers to participate in interracial orgies and affairs.

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John Dunston, 46, of Topeka and one of thirty-nine active members of the church, says that Nabisco is primarily targeting white females to subliminally take part in sexual activities with multiple African-American men.

“Just look at the cookie. It has a sweet, creamy, soft, white filling, with a hard brown cookie on the bottom and a hard brown cookie on top. This is obviously supporting and suggesting evil acts between a white female and two black males,” Dunston said. “We have had enough of this garbage, and we are going to make a stand to condemn this evil.”

Dunston went on to say all members of Westboro Baptist Church will be traveling to New Jersey sometime next week to participate in a “game changing protest,”

Opponents of the church say they believe interracial sexual activity is not a sin, such as 24-year-old Marquis Thompson. “I mean, you know, if a white girl wants to live out her fantasy with a couple strapping niggas, then so be it. It’s a free country ain’t it? They just mad because they all fat ugly white people, and they stupid as shit. Listen bruh, people gon’ do what people wanna do, this is the home of the free and streets of da free – black, white, yellow, don’t mean shit in the United States of America, believe that,” Thompson said.

 

Two Westboro Baptist Church Members Arrested, Accused Of Child Molestation

TOPEKA, Kansas – Two Westboro Baptist Church Members Arrested, Accused Of Child Molestation

Two members of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church have been arrested on child molestation charges, according to Topeka Police Department spokesperson Michelle Somerville.

51-year-old Parker Eugene Williamson and his 38-year-old wife, Janelle Williamson, both reportedly members of the Westboro Baptist Church, were arrested and booked early this morning. Due to the nature of the arrest, details of the molestation charges have been sealed under court order by Shawnee County judge Herman Jacoby. However, Somerville was able to share with the media that the couple were also facing charges of drug possession, animal cruelty, and resisting arrest.

“A warrant was issued to search the Williamson residence. Inside police discovered a bedroom in the house had been chained and padlocked from the outside. I can tell you that there was a child, the couples only son, and three neglected, malnourished dogs, no other details about what was uncovered in that room cannot be disclosed at this time,” Somerville said. “Of course, they also had a room filled with ridiculous, nonsensical signs they use when picketing. I think that’s a prerequisite for these people.”

The arrests took place just days after the church announced plans to picket the funeral of famed actor and comedian Robin Williams. Westboro Baptist Church members are known for their picketing of United States soldiers who have died in battle, celebrities, and mostly for their extreme anti-gay standing. Thankfully, they were not aware that Williams had requested cremation, and his ashes were scattered quietly without incident from the Church.

Shirley Phelps-Roper, the daughter of deceased WBC founder Fred Phelps, was reached by telephone shortly after the arrests were made, and she blatantly refused comment on the matter, claiming she didn’t know the Williamsons, and that anyone who asked would surely ‘burn in hell like all the other fag enablers.’

Due to the anti-gay stance of the church, and their supposed technique of only using words and no violence, an organization named Planting Peace, who opposes the church and is located right across the street from their home, is planning to continue to raise money in the name of overpowering WBC’s hate by getting people to donate money to charitable causes.

Stanley Unser of Planting Peace had this to said that their organization said they would take donations for suicide prevention, in honor of Williams. “The WBC might not have been able to picket a funeral for a well-loved celebrity, but they planned it. They think these are good things. Death is good. They’re sickos.”

Westboro Baptist Church has become more of a laughing-stock to the public in over time, with internet hatred giving way to peaceful, almost comedic, public protest. Those people who oppose the church, which obviously includes almost every living person on the planet, have increasingly set out to make a mockery of Westboro, mocking their well-known signs and picketing right along with them. People have taken to making their own versions of the hateful signs, using such slogans as “God Hates Signs,” and “God, My Sharpies Are Drying Out” and posing along with church members, taking selfies to post on the internet.

“Based on the number of funny signs, memes, and images found on the internet, it seems that the WBC is losing ground,” says University of Kansas behavioral sciences professor Dr. Carmen Fiorucci. “It truly seems to be that society has always been sickened by the group, which in my opinion is a hate group, even though the White House would not label them as such, but nobody is taking them seriously anymore. They make signs with hateful messages on them, that is their only form of spreading their gospel, which is really just bull—-, and it’s not spreading anymore. They have become a joke to society. The kids making signs to mock them and pose in front of them for photos, and good for them! It shows these loons have been defeated. If these members are proven to have committed the crimes which have been alleged, the burning of the church has begun, you can count on that.”

Somerville stated that the investigating of alleged crimes is being handled with the ‘utmost diligence,’ and details will be released at the proper time.

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