New Military Rules Mandate Only Accepting Recruits Born Without Hair

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New US military rules mandate that only new recruits born without hair will be accepted into the defense force. This comes as an advancement on the long-running condition of all soldiers having their heads shaved on entry, which research has shown to be a positive measure of effectiveness. The move has raised concerns that recruitment rates will drop dramatically, with hundreds or even thousands of applicants being rejected.

“It’s going to tear our military to shreds,” said former General Robert Martins. “I know how important hairlessness is in fighting wars. Hell, only those without hair make it anyway in the army. But we still need the standard soldiers to fill the ranks, even if they’re not the most committed or efficient.”

Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, has moved swiftly to calm fears, announcing that proactive steps will be taken to ensure that military numbers are not affected by the latest rulings.

“There are still kinks to be fine-tuned,” he said in an address to congress. “We’ve found that one hairless soldier is as effective as five soldiers who come in with hair. As such, numbers are not an issue. Furthermore, other regulations, set to be implemented from March, will reinstate the draft for every individual born without hair. Upon birth, babies will have their status noted, and all those who meet the standards of hairlessness – which include certain babies who have one hair or less – will automatically drafted when they reach the age of eighteen.”

Immediately after Hagel’s address was televised, groups protesting the reinstatement of the draft made their voices heard, saying they wouldn’t back down until the new regulations were withdrawn completely.

“It’s going to create all kinds of problems,” said the new leader of People Against Hairless Drafting (PAHD) Jessica Stein. “Instead of worrying about their babies’ health, parents will be concerned only with how much hair they have. You’ll get corrupt doctors inserting hair implants into newborns’ heads. It’ll tear the nation in half, and it won’t be pretty – especially when newborns have hideous strands of someone else’s ass hair disfiguring their pretty little heads.”

Members Of Westboro Baptist Church Say Oreo Cookies Promote Interracial Orgies

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Members of the outspoken, infamous, and highly controversial Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, are expected to travel to East Hanover, New Jersey next week to protest outside Nabisco headquarters, where they will condemn the production of Oreo cookies. They say the chocolate cookies with the white cream filling subliminally suggests to consumers to participate in interracial orgies and affairs.

John Dunston, 46, of Topeka and one of thirty-nine active members of the church, says that Nabisco is primarily targeting white females to subliminally take part in sexual activities with multiple African-American men.

“Just look at the cookie. It has a sweet, creamy, soft, white filling, with a hard brown cookie on the bottom and a hard brown cookie on top. This is obviously supporting and suggesting evil acts between a white female and two black males,” Dunston said. “We have had enough of this garbage, and we are going to make a stand to condemn this evil.”

Dunston went on to say all members of Westboro Baptist Church will be traveling to New Jersey sometime next week to participate in a “game changing protest,”

Opponents of the church say they believe interracial sexual activity is not a sin, such as 24-year-old Marquis Thompson. “I mean, you know, if a white girl wants to live out her fantasy with a couple strapping niggas, then so be it. It’s a free country ain’t it? They just mad because they all fat ugly white people, and they stupid as shit. Listen bruh, people gon’ do what people wanna do, this is the home of the free and streets of da free – black, white, yellow, don’t mean shit in the United States of America, believe that,” Thompson said.

Ferguson Protestors Blocking Streets Cause Death Of Young Child

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FERGUSON, Missouri –

A young boy has died today because Ferguson protestors were blocking streets around the city, causing an ambulance to be stuck behind several miles of traffic. Joey Goldsmith, 5, needed an emergency appendectomy, and was being transported from his home to the hospital via ambulance.

“All these stupid people, they were out in the streets, wasting their time ‘protesting’ while my son died in the back of an ambulance,” said Maria Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “If we could have gotten to the hospital, he would have been fine. Thousands of idiots out there, thinking they were changing a damn thing, and now I’ve lost my entire world.”

Throughout the entire country, protests based around the Michael Brown ruling have been popping up, with several arrests even being made in Boston, as well as New York during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. While the looting and riots in Ferguson have died down, the more “peaceful protests” are still going strong, but even those have been causing serious headaches throughout the city.

“I couldn’t get to work this morning because some group of do-gooders were out with their signs and megaphones, screaming and hollering. It wasn’t violent, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t hold up traffic. I was almost 2 hours late for work,” said Regina Myles, a nurse at a local hospital. “Look – it doesn’t matter which side of this cop shooting you fall on, lives are being interrupted by your ignorance. Get out of the damn streets, and do something worthwhile.”

“Well, not that anyone really cares how I feel at this point in time, but I was definitely annoyed at the amount of traffic there was,” said Officer Dylan Charles, of the Ferguson Police Department. “I mean, I’m certainly not going to say anything to these people directly, God knows what kind of shitstorm that could fire off. But really, calm down. Your protests are just dumb, and people need to be able to travel through the city without being held up. I mean for Christ’s sake, if I wanted to deal with fruitless protesting, I’d go to the Gaza Strip.”

Ferguson police say they are trying to work with the National Guard to keep protestors safe, and also keep traffic moving freely, so as not to kill anymore children or inconvenience anyone further.