Florida Gators To Change Name Following Alligator Attack That Killed Two-Year-Old

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

College football team The Florida Gators has announced it will be changing its name following the death of a two-year-old boy who was grabbed and drowned by an alligator while vacationing with his family at the Disney World Resort in Florida.

The alligator snatched the toddler as he played at the edge of the Seven Seas Lagoon, a manmade lake at the Walt Disney resort.The boy’s parents, who were relaxing on the white sand shore nearby, sprang into action in a failed attempt to pry their child from the predator’s grip. A lifeguard who was on duty was unable to reach the boy before the alligator swam away with him.

Although the parents did not request the SEC Eastern Division champions change their name, the athletics department at the State University System of Florida says they have received a lot of public pressure. Coach Jim McElwain says he fears it may affect the team. “Personally, I think alligators get a bad rap. I’m worried a name change this close to start of the season is unrealistic and may affect team moral.”

The team has not settled on a new name, but the Raging Retires and Orange Crushers has been proposed.

11-Year-Old Boy Accidentally Kills Mother With Mushrooms; Sentenced To Death Penalty

Posted on May 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEMONT, Nevada –

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

‘Suppernanny’ Slips Up, Allegedly Hits Child

Posted on May 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Nanny Jill Pryeo allegedly lost her temper and spanked “a particularly vile” 8-year-old, Janna Cornell, and refuses to apologize.

In the episode, which originally aired April 2011, Janna swears, hits or spits snot at anyone who tries to tell her what to do. She is so aggressive she was kicked out of her elementary school, and now has to be home schooled by her mother. The Cornell family has not come forward in the five years since the incident, but former executive producer, Nick Powell, has said the could not live with this secret any longer.

Nick says Supernanny told the child to go to the naughty mat, she refused and spit in the nanny’s face. Pryeo smacked Janna in the face, and told her not to do this sort of thing, an incident that allegedly happened off camera.

“Lot’s of work goes on behind the scenes. Pryeo makes it look easy, but it’s really not. Some of these kids with oppositional defiant disorder require some special treatment in the production of the show. We couldn’t make miracles happen. No one woman can clean up years of poor parenting choices over the course of a few days. Sometimes we might turn the cameras off and give the kids incentives to go along with the program. Gift cards. Name brand clothes. Twizzlers. This little brat wanted none of it.”

Another nanny from the show, Nanny Jo Frost, has said Nick Powell is just telling another one of his lies to get attention. “I, too, would refuse to apologize. I never spanked a single child in all 14 seasons of my show in the UK or the US. I highly doubt any other nanny did either.”

ABC representatives are refusing to comment on the alleged incident. Janna Cornell could not be reached for comment, but according to court dockets, is still a problem child. She is now serving a sentence in juvenile hall after kicking a neighbor’s cat when her cell phone broke.

Convicted Murderer Says He ‘Wasn’t Beaten Enough’ As A Child

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire

John Whitie, convicted of brutally murdering Bernadette Serra, a seventy year old woman, says the problem is that he was not disciplined as a child. He says if his father would have put the fear of God into him, he would have been a good person.

Whitie, 43, beat Mrs. Serra to death during the course of a home invasion. Even though the frail woman had already turned over her prescription pills, food stamp card, and spare change, Whitie knocked her unconscious with a cast iron door stop, striking her at least five times. He then preceded to place her body under her gigantic box TV and stage the scene so that it looked like it the television had fallen on her.

“My dad was a pussy. Never stood up to me. If they woulda just whipped me right as a kid, I wouldn’t have turned out this way.” Faced with a life sentence, Whitie regrets he cannot be a good father to his own son. “It’s too bad I ain’t out so I can whip him into a decent man. “

Toddler Dies After Mother Uses Cell Phone In Emergency Room

Posted on April 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Georgia –

A 4-year-old girl who fell and broke her leg died on Monday after her mother took a selfie in the hospital ER. The signal from the cell phone, when turned on, caused the girl’s life support system to malfunction, which lead to her death.

29-year-old Kathy Simmons said she is “confused and upset” by the incident that killed her daughter.

“When I brought Joy in, she was okay, but she had fallen and broken her leg, and it required some minor surgery to repair the bone, so she was hooked to machines that could monitor her breathing and provide pain medicine,” said Simmons. “No one told me I couldn’t use my phone in a hospital, so how was I to know? I just wanted to cheer her up by taking a picture together. Then everything sparked and the machines started to smoke!”

Doctors told Simmons that the machine that was providing a steady drip of morphine to her daughter for pain surged, causing her to take an extreme amount of the drug all at once, killing her.

“People need to know that hospitals are no place for selfies, text messages, snapchats, or phone calls,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Joy’s doctor. “Little Joy would still be alive right now if only her mother had read the any of the hundreds of signs littered around the hospital advising people to not use their cell phones in the hospital. It’s a safety precaution, and a big one.”

FOX News Mourns Aryan Toddler Found Dead, Ignores Deaths Of African-American Children

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MONROE, Washington –

Megyn Kelly, one of the generic blond news anchors you can find on Fox at all hours of the day or night, teared up recently when reporting on the tragic death of a child, saying, “We here at Fox news are especially sad to report the search for the missing aryan 2-year-old ended in tragedy Friday, as the boy was found dead in a fast-moving creek behind his home.”

Grayson Hill had apparently wandered away from his house around midnight, and was later found by the swim team. They attempted to revive him but were unsuccessful. Because the parents are affluent, the Snohomish County Sheriff’s Office is more included to call it a tragic accident, instead of investigating the parents for neglect.

That week, two black babies were killed in the inner-city by stray bullets, but Fox News did not feel this would be of interest to its Republican, Right-Wing viewers. “You should see the excitement in the newsroom when news of a white missing child breaks. Of course it’s sad, but everyone’s excited for the story,” says former intern, Randy Hansen. “When it’s a black kid though, you can’t even mention it. You’d get laughed right out of the room.”

Man Assaults Nephew With 12 Point Buck Trophy

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERVILLE, Maine –

Brad Reed learned the hard way not horse around in the house after knocking his uncle, Jacob Reed’s, prize buck head off the wall. Brad and friend Kenny Williams were fighting for a video game controller when Brad knocked Williams into the deer head. Brian says he “didn’t know what to do with it,” so they set it on the couch and fled.

Brad returned alone later, and found his uncle was waiting for him. “I could tell he was drunk the way he was petting the deer and talking to it,” says Brad. “I told him we tried to put it back together but needed superglue.”

Jacob Reed then allegedly threatened his nephew with the detached antler, demanding Brad bend over and take it in the behind. When the boy refused, Jacob beat him with the antler.

Brad’s mother Shirley Reed says they will not press charges. “Well, the boy got what he deserved, but I for one am glad I don’t have to look at that damn deer head anymore. Only supposed to be hanging on our wall till Jacob found a place of his own. Well it’s been three years, and he’s still on our Goddamn couch.”

Man Arrested After Stealing Money From Step-Daughter’s Piggy Bank

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSBAD, California –

Charlotte Melcher, age 7, called 911 all by herself to report that her stepfather, Drew Ellis, had stolen her money. Ellis admitted to police he had taken ten one dollar bills from the piggy bank to buy beer and cigarettes.

On the 911 call Charlotte says, “That was my money. Mine! I earned it doing chores and from Christmas. I told him not to take it!”

Police in Carlsbad did not take the offense lightly, charging Ellis with petty larceny after he admitted taking the money.

Mother Sierra Melcher says she thinks the arrest was unfounded and says Ellis would have replaced the money when he got paid. “I told Charlotte not to worry about it. I didn’t know she would call 911. Of course I don’t dare to spank her for doing it. Not now that I know she knows how to call the police. Next thing I know I’d be the one getting arrested.”

Ellis could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer, Joe Wickersham, says he is confident the case will be dismissed. The district attorney says that he is pushing for the maximum of 2 years in prison for the crime.

Town Creates Mandatory Bedtime For Children Under 18

Posted on January 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KATHRYN, North Dakota –

The small town of Kathryn in North Dakota recently held their monthly city council meeting, where members voted in favor of a mandatory bedtime of 8 PM for children under 12, and 10 PM for children aged 13-17. They expect the new rules will help with the town’s growing “discipline” problem that prevents almost half of teenagers from graduating high school. This is expected to give parents more tools in keeping their children in line.

Liam Harvey, father of five legitimate children and two others, complains that, “The belt’s just not working on kid’s today. I locked mine in the broom closet, till an officer told me I couldn’t do that no more. I’m as pleased as punch the law’ll do the dirty work for me now.”

Selectman Rob Bankes “We aren’t going to be taking babies out of their cribs for being up at 2 am. This is about kids who are being raised to be good for nothin’s with no sense of responsibility. Early to bed early to rise keeps idle hands from becoming the devil’s plaything.”

Although Kathryn’s population is only approximately 60 citizens, Bankes expects other small town’s in North Dakota will follow their example.

Woman Leaves Toddler In Freezing Car For Over 30 Minutes While She Buys Red Bull

Posted on January 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AKRON, Ohio –

Cheryl Crawford has been arrested on charges of endangering a child after leaving her 5-year-old son in the backseat on an unheated car in frigid temperatures. She reportedly was getting him a Red Bull inside the gas station when a cash register malfunction held up the line.

Police Chief Andy Alleman told reporters a a concerned citizen called in, saying a young child was in the car alone on the 9-degree day. An officer responded within minutes and waited for the guardian’s return, fifteen minutes later. He had been preparing to break open the window.

The officer asked Crawford what had been so important in the store, and she produced lottery tickets, cigarettes, and a 12 oz RedBull. When the Crawford opened the locked car the boy “threw a fit, demanding the Redbull, which she refused to do, worried it might be illegal to give children caffeine.”

“Look, when you got a pain-in-the-ass little boy, then you talk to me about leaving him places,” said Crawford. “I went in the store, and there was problems with the register. What am I supposed to do? Take him inside every time I have to go to a store? What do I do when I go into my boy’s house to pick up a gram? Do I bring him in there, too? Shit.”