Toddler Dies After Mother Uses Cell Phone In Emergency Room

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CARLSON, Georgia – 

A 4-year-old girl who fell and broke her leg died on Monday after her mother took a selfie in the hospital ER. The signal from the cell phone, when turned on, caused the girl’s life support system to malfunction, which lead to her death.

29-year-old Kathy Simmons said she is “confused and upset” by the incident that killed her daughter.

“When I brought Joy in, she was okay, but she had fallen and broken her leg, and it required some minor surgery to repair the bone, so she was hooked to machines that could monitor her breathing and provide pain medicine,” said Simmons. “No one told me I couldn’t use my phone in a hospital, so how was I to know? I just wanted to cheer her up by taking a picture together. Then everything sparked and the machines started to smoke!”

Doctors told Simmons that the machine that was providing a steady drip of morphine to her daughter for pain surged, causing her to take an extreme amount of the drug all at once, killing her.

“People need to know that hospitals are no place for selfies, text messages, snapchats, or phone calls,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Joy’s doctor. “Little Joy would still be alive right now if only her mother had read the any of the hundreds of signs littered around the hospital advising people to not use their cell phones in the hospital. It’s a safety precaution, and a big one.”

Cell Phone Carriers Secretly Adding Data Overage Charges To Bills

cell phone data

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After a year-long study conducted by the FCC, today it was announced that every single major cell phone carrier in the United States has been secretly adding extra data charges to the bills of customers, in a scheme to make more money that was allegedly concocted by the CEOs of each company.

“All the carriers have been found to be in cahoots,” said FCC spokesman Mario Redding. “They have all conspired to add costs to the bills of their customers. Sometimes, it was only a matter of a few cents. In other cases, it was several dollars, and in rare instances, it was upwards of twenty or thirty dollars in overage charges. We are still investigating the matter.”

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Redding says that his job over the last year is to comb through the bills of cell phone customers, as well as the billing practices of the carriers, looking for over charging patterns.

“We expected to see very few instances of gouging, but instead, we saw it on every single bill that we looked at, going back over several years,” said Redding.

The FCC is still investigating the charges, but they did say that a layman would “never notice” the charges on his bill, because they don’t just show up as overages.

“These companies, they’re stupid, but they’re not that stupid,” said Redding. “They have their ways, and we’ve caught on, and notices have been filed. If you think you’re getting ‘free’ data on your carrier’s plan, think again. Nothing is free, nothing is unlimited. There’s always a catch, you just have to find it.”

Apple To Announce New Keychain-Sized iPhone At Event on Monday

keyhcain

CUPERTINO, California – 

Apple is reportedly getting ready to announce their latest line of i-Devices this Monday at an event the world will be watching. The event, which is livestreamed from Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California, will reportedly showcase several new devices the company is launching, but as of now, all eyes are squinting in anticipation of a new, keychain-sized iPhone.

“People have been wanting their devices to get bigger and bigger, after years of wanting them smaller and smaller,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. “We want to buck the trends, and fight for smaller devices. We are a market leader, and we know that if we change course, the consumers and the other manufacturers will also change course.”

Cook has hinted that the device will be around 2-inches in size, and will come with a keychain firmly soldered to the device. It will still pack all the latest features, including a touchscreen interface, bluetooth, and Apple’s latest iOS, but in a fraction of the size.

“Small things like this are a major seller in places like Japan, where tiny things are considered cuter, and far more popular,” said Cook. “With this launch, we can bring that kind of fanciful technology to the masses, and to the biggest market in the world.”

Woman Suffers Severe Rectum Burns After Cell Phone Falls In Toilet, Shorts Out

cell phone

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida – 

A 28-year-old woman was hospitalized with severe burns to her buttocks, rectum, and vagina after her cell phone fell out of her pants pocket while she was in the process of sitting down in a restaurant bathroom, landing in the toilet. The water shorted out the phone, causing a small explosion inside the toilet bowl. The explosion is what caused the woman to get burned.

“I’m not going to lie, it was really hilarious,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Daytona Medical Center. “My wife drops her stupid phone in the toilet constantly. So does my teenage daughter. I don’t know why women insist on putting their phones in their back pocket. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Dr. Brown says that the patient, whose name is not being released, will have minor scarring, but in the future, he warns that the case could have been a lot worse.

“She could have died, easily, from her injuries,” said Dr. Brown. “I caution women everywhere to stop putting their phones in their back pockets, stop wearing stupid little jeans with tiny pockets, or stop having phones all together. This is a tragic, yet stupidly ridiculous, circumstance, that I never want to have to deal with again. Be safe, girls.”

Study Shows Excessive Taking of Selfies Cause Seizures

Study Shows Excessive Taking of Selfies Cause Seizures

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

You may want to drop that cellphone next time you are having a great hair day and looking for some ‘likes’ on Facebook. A recent study has been conducted, with results showing that people who take excessive selfies are more likely to suffer from seizures.

Dr. Corey Brad explained how something as simple as taking a picture of ones self can be so dangerous.

“Well, as crazy as it may sound, it is completely true. The thing that sets apart selfies from any other picture is the fact that most people taking them take up to one hundred photos of themselves at one time to find the perfect picture,” said Dr. Brad. “That large amount of staring into the screen and light can cause a person at any age to have a seizure. On top of that, you are twice as likely to take one with the flash on. As we’ve always known, flashing lights can cause seizures, but we never thought that some day so many people would be repeatedly flashing lights at themselves, either.”

There have been over 2,000 cases of young adults having seizures so far this year, and this study may have found the answer to why this is happening.

There are a few signs that you’re close to the ‘danger zone’ of a seizure when taking pictures, the biggest is about ‘Duck Face.’

“One tip is to know that the typical ‘Duck Face’ that is commonly seen in pictures is a sign of an impending seizure. While most people don’t even realize they are doing it, selfies can cause a neuron to literally burn out in your brain, causing you to make the face when taking a picture,” said Dr. Brad. “If you see someone making a duck face in a selfie, by all means, slap that phone to the ground. It may save their life.”

 

Teen’s Dental Retainer Acts As Wi-Fi Hotspot

AKRON, Ohio – Teen’s Dental Retainer Acts As Wi-Fi Hotspot

Hal Dragna knew something was up when he noticed his 14-year-old daughter, Sally, using her smartphone in a place so remote, no cell phone service was available.

“We went on hiking vacation, and my wife and I asked the kids to leave their devices at home.” The family of four was on a three-day hiking trip through nearby West Branch State Park. “I wanted them to disconnect for a while.” Even though he knew his daughter and his 13-year-old son had brought their devices, he looked the other way.

“I walked up to them on day 2 to see if they were ‘ready to roll’ and got the shock of my life. They were online!” said Dragna.

Although the nearest cell phone tower and wi-fi hotspot was miles away, they were online and surfing. He questioned his kids and the answer he got was even more shocking. Daughter Sally’s new retainer, acting in conjunction with a few of her metallic fillings, were acting as a wi-fi hotspot.

“Sally told me that the night before, she couldn’t fall asleep because she kept hearing ‘radio noises’, and thought they were coming from her mouth,” said Dragna. “She was too afraid to say anything because she knew she wasn’t supposed to have her phone, plus she thought she was going crazy. She told her brother, but not me or her mother.”

“My mouth dropped open when I saw the signal, I was so excited,” said Sally, “and the bars jumped up from 2 to 5. I figured out when I opened my mouth the signal got stronger, and I knew it was my retainer. My grandfather told me about old radio sets he built where he used a spring mattress for a radio antenna, so I knew my new retainer had to be doing the same thing!”

“Crystal” radio sets were simple receivers, popular when radio communication was in its early days. They didn’t need a power source, and were activated by a wire antenna. The sound is weak compared to battery-powered sets, but could be heard by Sally, with her skull acting as an amplifier.

The phenomenon was short-lived, however. When the family returned from the trip, Sally went in for a scheduled dental adjustment, and her ‘radio days’ were over.

“It was fun while it lasted,” said Sally, “but my dad wont’ stop calling me ‘Radiohead.’ I think that was the name of an old band from the 90s or something. He’s worse than my brother sometimes,” she added.

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