Cell Phone Carriers Secretly Adding Data Overage Charges To Bills

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cell phone data

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After a year-long study conducted by the FCC, today it was announced that every single major cell phone carrier in the United States has been secretly adding extra data charges to the bills of customers, in a scheme to make more money that was allegedly concocted by the CEOs of each company.

“All the carriers have been found to be in cahoots,” said FCC spokesman Mario Redding. “They have all conspired to add costs to the bills of their customers. Sometimes, it was only a matter of a few cents. In other cases, it was several dollars, and in rare instances, it was upwards of twenty or thirty dollars in overage charges. We are still investigating the matter.”

Redding says that his job over the last year is to comb through the bills of cell phone customers, as well as the billing practices of the carriers, looking for over charging patterns.

“We expected to see very few instances of gouging, but instead, we saw it on every single bill that we looked at, going back over several years,” said Redding.

The FCC is still investigating the charges, but they did say that a layman would “never notice” the charges on his bill, because they don’t just show up as overages.

“These companies, they’re stupid, but they’re not that stupid,” said Redding. “They have their ways, and we’ve caught on, and notices have been filed. If you think you’re getting ‘free’ data on your carrier’s plan, think again. Nothing is free, nothing is unlimited. There’s always a catch, you just have to find it.”

Faceswap App Gets Man Arrested For Murder

faceswap

MURPHY, Delaware – 

James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.

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“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”

Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.

“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”

Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.

“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”

Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.

Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

phone

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

 

Man Charged With Conspiracy To Commit Murder After Giving Go-Ahead To Hit Man Who Texted Wrong Number

Man Charged With Conspiracy To Commit Murder After Giving Go-Ahead To Hit Man Who Texted Wrong Number

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Carl Delgado, 27, of Chicago has been charged with conspiring to murder after a hit man, 45-year-old Carlos Martinez, accidentally sent a text to his phone instead of its intended recipient with the question “So do you want me to take the bitch out or not, yes or no?” Delgado claims he believed the text to be a prank from a friend and replied, “Yeah, take her out, make sure to give her the special treatment, haha.”

Chicago police say Martinez then abducted and murdered 25-year-old Kaylee Jefferson, also of Chicago. Officers who were patrolling the Near North Side neighborhood spotted Martinez attempting to dump the young woman’s body into Lake Michigan and managed to capture him and retrieve the corpse. As detectives investigated the case, they found the text he had mistakenly sent to Delgado. Officers read the phone number to Martinez and asked about the text, and Martinez told them that it was not the intended phone number. The detectives then declared that Delgado had unknowingly green-lit the hit on Jefferson, but have still charged him with conspiracy to murder because “he shouldn’t have been playing around on the phone.”

Delgado’s lawyer, Carmine Appleseed, says that the charges should be dropped based on the fact that police know he did not know the man or what he was referring to. “Carl thought it was a friend, randomly texting him from an unknown number asking if they should take a girl out, like out on a date, he had no idea of the evil-mindedness intentions of Mr. Martinez.” Appleseed stated.

If convicted Delgado faces a possible sentence of 25 years to life without parole.

FCC Gives OK For AT&T Purchase Of Verizon Wireless

FCC Gives OK For AT&T Purchase Of Verizon Wireless

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – 

Verizon Wireless CEO Dan Mead announced this past Friday that their wireless company and its entire network is set to be purchased by rival AT&T.

After increased speculation of the merger, the two carriers arranged the conference to discuss the resolution of Wednesdays FCC meeting and approval. After keeping the deal quiet for the two years it’s taken for the FCC to give the go-ahead, the companies say they are glad to be able to make the information public.

“Verizon wireless has had a successful hand at the wireless industry, and we’ve exceeded all possibilities since PrimeCo. As a company, we would like to see another carrier try its hand at covering everywhere on top of their own already stellar coverage. It’s time for us to focus on other ventures, and leave cell phones to hot shots like John Leger and Randall Stephenson!”

Many customers were alarmed by the news, as no newsletter or update was sent to customers when the proposition was even approved for submission to the FCC. Outraged customers and patrons of the company alike have been bombarding VZW and AT&T offices day and night with requests for new phones and plan changes before the company merger takes effect.

“They’re going to kill all of our services,” said Verizon subscriber Joe Goldsmith. “It’s like when Verizon bought out Unicel, and I had to get a whole new phone, change plans, all that shit. It was a pain. All it did for me was give me more headaches and a higher bill. AT&T is bound to raise prices again, because that’s what these companies do. I swear to God, I’m just going to go back to writing letters and calling people from a landline.”

The total buyout is set to take place January 2016, with transition plans for all customers moving service to AT&T. With all employment and service details not yet ironed out, both carriers are under a lot of heat due to the arrangement. While both companies maintain a loyal following, its hard to say what the future entails and whether or not their loyal customers will follow to a new company or what incentives will follow.

“We’ll make sure everyone is taken care of,” said AT&T spokesman Gerald Bryant. “I mean, once we become one company, and we change our name to AT&V, who knows what could happen. With the two biggest cell phone companies combined as one, we might just give free phones to anyone who asks! Who could stop us?!”

Sprint and T-Mobile had no comment on the merger, because they were too busy fighting for last place in the cellular market.

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child’s Cell Phone

LOS ANGELES, California – Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child's Cell Phone

In another array of Kanye angst-laden turn of events, Hollywood Star Insider Weekly has confirmed, via Los Angeles County Court Clerk office records, that Kim Kardashian has officially filed for divorce from her husband, rapper Kanye West.

According to reports, West allegedly snatched an 8-year-old boy’s cell phone and smashed it on the ground, accusing the boy of taking photographs of him and his wife while at a popular Los Angeles eatery earlier this week. It is assumed that witnesses of the incident were paid off and bound to legal secrecy.

According to Kim’s publicist, Marcella Thomas, Kim has had ‘as much as she could take’ of Kanye’s wild and moody toddler-like antics, and this recent outburst was the ‘final straw.’

“This morning I accompanied Kim to the Los Angeles County Clerks office where she officially filed for divorce,” said Thomas. “Thank God, too. As her publicist, do you know how often I had to be around Kanye? More than once, which is way more time than anyone should ever have to spend with Kanye. At any rate, no further statement regarding the matter is to be issued at this time, and we ask that all fans, here and abroad, respect this very difficult decision.”

Because of the media frenzy surrounding the announcement, Thomas said this was also the perfect time to take advantage of the free publicity, tas she revealed to HSIW that Kim has inked a deal with Calvin Klein to release a new men’s fragrance labeled ‘U-Mad, Bro?’

“I’m so glad that Kim is leaving that lunatic,” said Kardashian ‘superfan’ Maria Bulgara. “I mean, Kanye is okay to look at in certain light – like the kind of light that completely blocks out his face. The man has shown time and time again that he is mentally unstable. I don’t think I’m saying anything that anyone else doesn’t think as well. Also, I am sooo buying my boyfriend that U-Mad cologne for Christmas!”

“It’s about time Kanye ditched that trash anyway,” said West ‘superfan’ Joey Goldsmith. “That tramp, showing her ass all over the internet. I was sickened by all that cellulite! Kanye should go find a good woman, like Barbara Walters or something. Now there’s a chick who looks like she knows how to suck, if you know what I mean. Also, I swear if my bitch gets me any of that U-Mad cologne, I’m gonna throw it out the damn window.”

Kanye West has long been known for his public meltdowns, usually involving paparazzi. Two months ago, the hip-hop artist and producer threw his milkshake at a crying baby, claiming the child was “out of key and needed auto-tune.” However, Kanye immediately apologized, and invited the family to a local car dealership where he bought them a brand new Range Rover.

It is not clear who currently has custody of little North West, the couple’s child, but one thing is for certain, this evolving family drama has all the makings of a highly publicized and extremely drawn out celebrity divorce and custody battle. Empire News will be monitoring this national crisis as it unfolds.

New Massachusetts Law Makes Talking On Cell Phones In Public Illegal

 BOSTON, Massachusetts – New Massachusetts Law Makes Talking On Cell Phones In Public Illegal

A law has been passed in Massachusetts this past Friday which seeks to end the ‘rudeness and distractions’ created by people who excessively use their phones in public. The new law, which was signed by state governor Deval Patrick, will impose a fine of to $200 dollars for cell phone use in public locations such as restaurants, movie theaters, and schools.

The law was voted into place by the Massachusetts state representatives after numerous complaints by the public about noise pollution in public areas, acts of violence, and the general ‘distracted nature’ that comes from a person who is using their phone and not paying attention to their surroundings.

Part of the law was introduced in 2009, when the state made it illegal to text while driving. In 2011, the state created an addendum that stated it was also illegal to talk on the phone while driving, unless you were using a hands-free device.

“We knew that using the phone while driving was creating distractions and accidents,” said Governor Patrick. “Sadly, accidents aren’t just happening while driving. We’ve had reports of everything from people falling into open manholes to getting hit by cars to getting into fights after one person runs into another, all because these folks were too distracted by their call to notice their surroundings. These are the reasons we’ve created this new law.”

People who work in the restaurant industry and other fields of luxury reportedly couldn’t be happier with the new law.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how much it sucks to have to take an order from somebody who can’t even look you in the face because they are too busy chatting on their phones,” said Christine Mosier, a waitress at a Boston-area Ruby Tuesday restaurant. “First they come in talking, and they are always too busy on their phones to even place an order, then they yell because service takes too long. On top of that, I get complaints from one table saying that a nearby patron is speaking too loudly, and then ironically, that other patron will say the same about them. Just leave your phones in your car or your pocket and enjoy your meal for crying out loud.”

The state government has worked closely will all cell phone carriers to help impose the fines.

“Unlike a normal law where we’d arrest you or give you a ticket, these fines can be imposed by an officer and charged directly to your carrier. This way, if you refuse to pay your fines, your phone will be shut off due to the non-payment,” said Patrick. “In this way, we can force repeat offenders to think twice before breaking the law – or else they won’t have any way to break it in the first place.”

Several states are watching Massachusetts closely to see how the new law plays out. New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut are also considering enacting similar laws that would keep their streets ‘clean of the noise’ of flagrant cell phone users.

The new law was signed into order on Friday. It goes into effect on October 1st, 2014.

 

 

 

 

New ‘Bee Tax’ on Cell Phones May Drive Landline Comeback

WASHINGTON, D.C. – New Bee Tax on Cell Phones May Drive Landline Comeback

Recent technological reports have heralded the end of an era. There are no more payphones or dial tones, and slowly but surely, elderly landline subscribers have died off or finally learned to text. Don’t throw away your old cordless phone yet, though! Because of a hefty new “Bee Tax,” landlines may soon be making a comeback. This new environmental “protection tax” will be approximately $25 dollars per line added to your current monthly cell phone bill. It is expected to make its appearance on all U.S. cell phone carriers, after the 911 Surcharge and Federal Excise Tax, by 2015.

Since the introduction of cellphones, the bee population has been on a well-documented decline. While humans can not perceive cell phone signals, communication between mobile phones and cell towers confuses bees, causing them to become disoriented. Unable to function normally, colonies of honey bees are steadily collapsing. Since honey-bees are crucial in pollination, this presents a huge problem. For some time now the USDA has denied any correlation between cell phones and bee colony collapse, but it has reached a point where farmers are seeing an impact nationwide.

“It has become clear that cell-phone use needs to be limited.” Said Peter Mayer, a representative for the USDA. “Cell phone rates will go up, but we need to encourage more landline usage. Aren’t you sick of that whole ‘can you hear me now’ stuff anyway?”

While landline phone stock has steadily declined on Wall Street, financial experts are now predicting a surge in value. Among other companies, Verizon, Fairpoint Communications, and even MagicJack and Vonage stocks have both gone up in demand. Roy Chestnut, chief financial officer of Verizon, reportedly has plans in motion to buy back some territory that was sold off to smaller companies in preparation of customer switching back to landline phones.

The “Bee-Tax” regulation is rapidly making its way through the senate and house, and inside sources say President Obama is not expected to veto the bill. Environmentally concerned democrats and fiscally tight republicans both support the measure.

“Hey, I’m for it. It will encourage competition and create jobs – and most importantly, it’ll help America’s backbone, the farmer.” Said Republican senate leader Mitch McConnel of Kentucky. “Nothing is more important to America and the future of this country than the farming industry.”

When questioned about those people that would not be able to afford cell phone service if taxed an extra $25 per line, McConnel did not seem concerned.

“These welfare folk and the like can just spend less money on getting their nails done, crack, and cable TV, and then they can come up with [the money]. Or they can share a landline – which was a luxury in my day and age. We definitely aren’t going to be able to fund government subsidized programs like food stamps if the honey bees done-die-out now, are we?”

Sprint Looks To Buy T-Mobile; Plans To Completely Dissolve Company

OVERLAND PARK, Kansas – empire-news-sprint-tmobile-merger-buyout-closing-dissolve-company

Negotiations have begun for Sprint, the third largest wireless company in the US, to purchase T-Mobile, the fourth largest wireless company, from their parent Deutsche Telekom. The merger is reported to be worth approximately $32 billion, with part being paid in cash and part in stock, a typical option for deals of this size.

Assuming that the FCC approves the deal, Sprint has stated that their plans for T-Mobile would be to phase it out completely, while converting their customers into the Sprint family. The T-Mobile network, which runs on the much faster GSM technology would remain intact, with Sprint converting their handsets to take advantage of the higher speeds necessary for such a large subscriber base and congested network. Combined, Sprint and T-Mobile would have nearly 100 million customers.

“We feel very strongly that there is absolutely no need for T-Mobile to continue on as a company once our purchase is cleared.” Said Dan Hesse, chairman of Sprint Corp. US. “They’ve done some great things for the wireless world in the last year or two, but it’s nothing that we can’t continue without them. If this merger happens, it will definitely be the end for T-Mobile.”

The news that T-Mobile could possibly be closing their doors hit hard for many employees in the company, especially low-ranking retail and call center workers, who just went through a similarly stressful situation a few years ago when AT&T was looking to purchase T-Mobile. That merger was denied by FCC regulators, citing laws against creating a monopoly within the industry.

“It’s extremely disheartening, the idea of them shutting us down.” Said Christopher Pike, a call center employee. “I was here when AT&T came strutting through, and tried to pick us up. It was horrible, stressful. No one knew what was going to happen. This is almost worse, because they’ve already told us that we’re going to be out of a job if this buyout is approved.”

Jon Legere, CEO of T-Mobile, doesn’t seem too worried about keeping a job within the company if the buy-out happens. Legere, who has only been with T-Mobile for the last couple of years, has become an outspoken president, known for his profanity-laced speeches calling out AT&T and Verizon for their “shady” practices and their old-school mentality.

“I always talked about AT&T, Verizon – I rarely ever talked any [expletive] about Sprint, because I knew this was going to happen eventually. It’s no surprise to me. You can’t be #4 in the game forever without #3 knocking on your door. Well, the door is open now, and it’s about time I take off this magenta shirt and start thinking about how I’m going to look in yellow.”

With T-Mobile inevitably on the route to the end, many customers who recently switched from Sprint were delighted that they would be able to go back.

“I switched over to T-Mobile when my contract with Sprint ran out. Needed to try something new, ya know?” Said Alex Winter, a long time Sprint subscriber. “They don’t have contracts, sure, but they suckered me into buying a phone for $750, and with monthly payments, it’s going to take 2 damn years to pay off, so it’s basically the same thing. I can’t leave them without paying an arm and a leg to get rid of this phone, and their service is terrible. I can’t wait to get back with Sprint.”

As of this writing, there were no definite terms completed for the possible buyout, with representatives for Sprint and T-Mobile refusing to comment.

 

 

Twitter Launching New Paid Service With 200 Character Limit

SAN FRANSISCO, California – empire-news-twitter-launches-paid-service-twit-pro-extra-characters-new-features

Twitter [NYSE: TWTR] may have finally put an end to the jokes about getting all your thoughts down in 140 characters or less, as this morning they announced their new paid service, dubbed Twit-Pro, which allows users an additional 60 characters per ‘tweet,’ bringing the total to 200.

“We are very excited to be debuting our new paid service, Twit-Pro, to the world.” Said Jack Dorsey, Chairman. “This new Twitter experience should help those micro-bloggers out there who want to say what they’re thinking and feeling, but need more than 140 characters to do it. We think it’s a huge leap forward for the Twittersphere.”

Twit-Pro, which Dorsey said will be fully integrated into existing Twitter apps for all platforms, as well as the Twitter website by the beginning of next month, will allow users the ability to pay a nominal monthly fee in exchange for the extra 60 characters when tweeting. Dorsey did not say how much they would be charging, but he did say they had worked out deals with all major U.S. cell phone carriers to allow users to bill directly to their provider.

Aside from just allowing for extra characters, Twit-Pro is also going to be offering the option of recording and posting videos into the user’s Twitter feed, with recording time up to 45 seconds.

“We wanted to take the best experiences you find on all social media, the most popular apps and websites, and combine them. We will now be allowing users to use more characters and record short video tweets, much like Vine, and embed them directly to all your followers. The days of linking and using other services to post into your Twitter feed are coming to an end. We want everything to be handled right by our own service.”

Other features announced with Twit-Pro are a song and media identifier, so you can instantly tweet the song or TV show you are watching just by letting your phone “listen” to the sounds around you, as well as a check-in feature that will let users mark down places they’ve visited with links to reviews for restaurants, movies, night clubs, or even national parks and resorts.

Twit-Pro is slated to become a live feature in the next Twitter update, scheduled for July 1st on Android, July 7th on the iPhone, and July 13th for Windows OS.

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