WASHINGTON, D.C. –
After a year-long study conducted by the FCC, today it was announced that every single major cell phone carrier in the United States has been secretly adding extra data charges to the bills of customers, in a scheme to make more money that was allegedly concocted by the CEOs of each company.
“All the carriers have been found to be in cahoots,” said FCC spokesman Mario Redding. “They have all conspired to add costs to the bills of their customers. Sometimes, it was only a matter of a few cents. In other cases, it was several dollars, and in rare instances, it was upwards of twenty or thirty dollars in overage charges. We are still investigating the matter.”
Redding says that his job over the last year is to comb through the bills of cell phone customers, as well as the billing practices of the carriers, looking for over charging patterns.
“We expected to see very few instances of gouging, but instead, we saw it on every single bill that we looked at, going back over several years,” said Redding.
The FCC is still investigating the charges, but they did say that a layman would “never notice” the charges on his bill, because they don’t just show up as overages.
“These companies, they’re stupid, but they’re not that stupid,” said Redding. “They have their ways, and we’ve caught on, and notices have been filed. If you think you’re getting ‘free’ data on your carrier’s plan, think again. Nothing is free, nothing is unlimited. There’s always a catch, you just have to find it.”
LITTLE CREEK, Pennsylvania –
A letter carrier from the small town of Little Creek in Pennsylvania must have never heard the old Post Office motto ‘Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom…’, as Postal Worked Dwight Davidson was arrested yesterday after over 6000 pounds of undelivered mail was found in his backyard.
“It’s a lot of pressure being a mailman, the mail never stops,” said Davidson from his holding sell at a Pennsylvania federal prison. “Since the coal mine closed last year, just about everybody in town is out of work and all they do now is wait by their mailboxes for their checks – unemployment checks, welfare checks, and any other checks you can get from the government. They all made the same joke when I gave them their mail; ‘Keep the bills,’ they’d say. Well, I decided to give them what they wanted, and stopped delivering bills.”
Davidson says that once he stopped bringing bills to the people on his delivery route, they were nicer to him, and it was an extreme load off his mind, as well as his body.
“Once I started dumping junk mail and bills in my backyard, my job got easier. What use to take 8 hours to deliver every day now took just about 45 minutes. People got their checks, and I got a lot of free time – seemed like a win-win. Well, as it turns out, after about a month of not getting any mail, some people complained. The sheriff and the Postmaster found the mail in my backyard, and I got arrested and suspended – with pay, thanks to the union, so now when I get out of prison in 6 months, I’ll get to sit home and do nothing and wait by the mailbox for a check. They had it right all along! It’s a great plan!”