WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has been asked multiple times in the course of running for president how he plans on building a wall around Mexico to keep immigrants out of the United States. Normally, he says that he’ll “Make the Mexicans pay for it,” but in keeping with his long list of horrendous ideas, today he announced his official plan for making sure that we have secure borders.
“The only way that we can pay for something that will give us the safety and security we need, as well as keep jobs in this country, is by cutting spending somewhere else,” said Trump. “The biggest cuts we need to make are on the freeloaders and the scum in this country, so cut number one will be to the food stamp program. No more free handouts.”
According to Trump, he doesn’t just plan to make budget cuts to the program if elected, he plans to discontinue it all together.
“There’s no reason that people need these handouts from the government, and when I’m elected, they won’t be getting them anymore,” said Trump. “We need this money for other things. Better things. Bigger things. Solid walls need solid cash to be built. Instead of handouts, we get these people a job building the wall, and pay them for their time. No more handouts necessary.”
Trump is currently leading the Republican race, a highly disturbing fact that any conscious, thinking person should be terrified to hear.
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
Until last month, John Gold was just a mailroom associate at one of the biggest law firms in Manhattan, but all that changed when Gold decided to grow out his facial hair and have his hair dyed and cut to resemble that of a lion.
“I was just trying something new, but when I walked into work that Monday morning, I was immediately pulled aside,” said Gold. “I got taken into a big, inner office, and was immediately offered a job as an attorney.”
Despite knowing absolutely nothing about law, Gold took the job, saying that he couldn’t possibly pass up the opportunity – or the money.
“The only caveat they gave me was that I could never, ever cut or change my hair or my style,” said Gold. “I guess they think I’m going to be intimidating in the courtroom. I only hope that’s the case. The only thing I know about court is that ‘the whole damn thing is out of order.'”
LITTLE CREEK, Pennsylvania –
A letter carrier from the small town of Little Creek in Pennsylvania must have never heard the old Post Office motto ‘Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom…’, as Postal Worked Dwight Davidson was arrested yesterday after over 6000 pounds of undelivered mail was found in his backyard.
“It’s a lot of pressure being a mailman, the mail never stops,” said Davidson from his holding sell at a Pennsylvania federal prison. “Since the coal mine closed last year, just about everybody in town is out of work and all they do now is wait by their mailboxes for their checks – unemployment checks, welfare checks, and any other checks you can get from the government. They all made the same joke when I gave them their mail; ‘Keep the bills,’ they’d say. Well, I decided to give them what they wanted, and stopped delivering bills.”
Davidson says that once he stopped bringing bills to the people on his delivery route, they were nicer to him, and it was an extreme load off his mind, as well as his body.
“Once I started dumping junk mail and bills in my backyard, my job got easier. What use to take 8 hours to deliver every day now took just about 45 minutes. People got their checks, and I got a lot of free time – seemed like a win-win. Well, as it turns out, after about a month of not getting any mail, some people complained. The sheriff and the Postmaster found the mail in my backyard, and I got arrested and suspended – with pay, thanks to the union, so now when I get out of prison in 6 months, I’ll get to sit home and do nothing and wait by the mailbox for a check. They had it right all along! It’s a great plan!”