Flint, Michigan Begins Having Tap Water Imported From Mexico

Posted on April 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLINT, Michigan –

Residents of Flint, Michigan have begun having been having their water imported from other states for quite some time, as the situation of their own water has been disasterous. But now, some residents have begun looking even further away, and are having their water imported from across the border in Tijuana.

“Our water is so bad, that Mexican tap water looks like crystal-clear spring water in comparison,” said Flint resident Mario Jones. “I can get about 50 gallons of Mexican tap water for about $5, which is a lot cheaper than here. Sure, it still gives me the shits, but that’s par for the course now. At least it doesn’t look like sewage.”

Mexico has been grateful for the business, with several companies across the border saying that they thought they would NEVER have use for tap water.

“Our water, it was muy disgustingo,” said Pedro Martinez. “But when I heard about the hydro crisis in Flint, I thought it was a good idea to start up a new company, and get them the water that they need. So I fill up about 200 gallon bottles a week, and I drive them into Arizona, where it can be shipped much cheaper. It’s a great deal for me. My family has lots of extra pesos now.”

Donald Trump Says He Has Already ‘Secured Funding’ For His Mexican Border Wall

Posted on October 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has said that he has finally secured full financing for the wall that he plans to build between Mexico and the United States.

According to a Trump campaign staffer, Donald has been meeting with “powerful” people on both sides of the border, and he has finally managed to get everyone together to pitch in to what all parties seem to think is a “worthwhile idea.”

The total cost for the wall is estimated to be somewhere in the nature of $650 billion dollars, making it one of the most expensive projects ever undertaken by either country. Donald Trump himself has promised to put in almost $1 billion of his own money to make sure that the wall is built.

“I have yuge respect for the Mexicans, and the people of Mexico, and for Mexican food,” said Trump. “What I don’t have yuge respect for is illegal Mexicans skipping across our borders, coming into this country, and stealing job from hard working Americans. That’s not the kind of country I want to live in, and that’s not making America great. This wall, this yuge wall, that is what will make America great again.”

Mom Says Her Baby Is Reincarnation Of Jesus After Seeing Image Of Savior In Dirty Diaper

Posted on May 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SANTA VALARTE, Mexico –

Mary Flores claims Christ is born again, and it is her baby. She claims she has seen the sign of the Lord in her son’s dirty diaper. She immediately Snapchatted the cross of poo she found in her son’s diaper, where all her contacts proclaimed it a miracle. She has preserved the diaper in a display case, welcoming those who want to see the miracle.

Flores says, “I expect many will make a pilgrimage. Bring me gifts – I mean for my son. They will bring gifts to the baby Jesus.”

According to Flores, her first name is no coincidence. “God whispered the name Mary in my mother’s ear for a reason. He had a plan for me.”

The diaper has not yet been evaluated by anyone from the Vatican, but Flores hopes to have the Pope bless the poop.

Trump Buys Land On Mexican Border To Begin Constructing Wall

Posted on April 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NOGALEZ, Arizona –

Presidential candidate Donald Trump has said that if he is elected president, he will force Mexico to build a wall between the countries to keep immigrants out, but apparently he is starting earlier than expected. According to land-purchase agreements, Trump has reportedly begun buying massive amounts of land throughout Texas and Arizona, with teams hired to begin building the wall – on his own dime.

“Mr. Trump hired my firm to begin building a wall out of hardened concrete, which he has specified will need to be at least 20 feet wide and at least 75 feet tall,” said Carl Groves, owner of Groves Construction and Concrete in Nogalez, Arizona. “He’s asked us not to disclose the amount he’s paying, but it is a fairly large figure, I will confirm that.”

So far, according to paperwork filed with the towns, Trump has purchased over 200,000 acres of bare farmland directly on the border of Mexico, and according to insiders in his campaign, he plans to purchase at least another million acres over the remainder of the year.

“Mr. Trump wants to get a jump start on this process, so that when he is elected, the wall is already being worked on to completion,” said Rebecca Heartwell, who works on the Trump campaign. “Although he was planning on making Mexico pay for it, he realized that having a significant portion worked on would help to entice both the US and Mexican governments to pick up the slack when he becomes Commander in Chief.”

Trump’s Plan To Secure Funds For Mexican Wall? Discontinue Food Stamp Program

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has been asked multiple times in the course of running for president how he plans on building a wall around Mexico to keep immigrants out of the United States. Normally, he says that he’ll “Make the Mexicans pay for it,” but in keeping with his long list of horrendous ideas, today he announced his official plan for making sure that we have secure borders.

“The only way that we can pay for something that will give us the safety and security we need, as well as keep jobs in this country, is by cutting spending somewhere else,” said Trump. “The biggest cuts we need to make are on the freeloaders and the scum in this country, so cut number one will be to the food stamp program. No more free handouts.”

According to Trump, he doesn’t just plan to make budget cuts to the program if elected, he plans to discontinue it all together.

“There’s no reason that people need these handouts from the government, and when I’m elected, they won’t be getting them anymore,” said Trump. “We need this money for other things. Better things. Bigger things. Solid walls need solid cash to be built. Instead of handouts, we get these people a job building the wall, and pay them for their time. No more handouts necessary.”

Trump is currently leading the Republican race, a highly disturbing fact that any conscious, thinking person should be terrified to hear.

Genealogist Traces Donald Trump’s Family, Discovers Mexican Heritage

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVO, Utah –

The Association of Professional Genealogists, a private group who studies family histories and genetics, recently released their findings on the family of presidential candidate, Donald Trump.

“It’s ironic, really, that Trump is so anti-Mexican and anti-immigrant, as it would appear that Donald’s great-grandmother was a Mexican immigrant,” said Professor of genealogy, Dr. Richard Kimball. “We aren’t sure if this is something that Mr. Trump is unaware of, or is choosing to ignore to further his standings in the presidential election, but he is definitely of Mexican decent.”

According to Kimball, Trump’s great-grandmother was very likely an illegal immigrant who snuck into this country through Texas, and migrated to the east coast.

“It was in the New York area that we believe granny Trump likely set up shop as a prostitute,” said Kimball. “She more than likely sold herself to the highest bidder each night, being paid for her services and having no morals – a trait that seems to have dwindled down through the family, if you ask me.”

Donald Trump, who says he wants to build a wall that would stop immigrants from sneaking into the country from Mexico, could not be reached for comment.

Donald Trump Flip-Flops Stance, Says He Will ‘Open US Borders 100%’ If Elected

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a surprise change of pace for Donald Trump, the presidential candidate has announced that he’s “completely changed his mind” about immigration, and says that if he is elected president, he plans on opening the country’s borders to all immigrants.

“There is no need to be so picky about who moves to this great country, and paperwork only slows down the process,” said Trump to a gathering of over 75,000 devoted supporters in Mississippi. “When I am elected, the borders will be opened. I was wrong in many of the things I’ve said, and it has just taken me some time to realize my mistakes.”

Many former Trump supporters say they instantly abandoned the candidate when he made his announcements.

“This is an outrage. I was looking forward to more security at the borders, not less,” said former Trump supporter Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve voted for conservatives like Trump my whole life, and they’ve never won. Trump had a chance. He speaks his mind, and people like that. People like me, anyway. Now, this is just absurd.”

“I’m glad he’s changed his opinion of immigrants,” said illegal immigrant from Mexico Jose Marquez. “I think he might be going a little too far just opening the borders all together. I moved here to feel safe, and aside from the constant fear of INS, I’ve felt like I can live here freely. If the borders are opened completely, that might not be the case anymore.”

Donald Trump says that he plans to win this election based on “cold, hard truths,” and that means, sometimes, changing your tune completely.

“I will do whatever it takes to win this election,” said Trump. “Frankly, I’ll dye this wig black if it will get me the votes. I’ll do whatever it takes, say whatever I need to, to get your vote.”

Boxer With No Arms To Make His Pro Debut

Posted on July 14, 2015 by JP

MEXICO CITY, Mexico –

Boxing is a sport that takes fast hands, reflexes, and endurance. It is a game of chess, and you always have to be a move above your opponent just to land a clean punch. One of the toughest things about the sport is keeping your face and stomach from being blasted by a jab, and keeping your stamina up to survive those long, energy draining rounds.

Jorge Ramos, an amateur boxer, will be making his pro debut this month, and he brings something to the ring that no other boxer has brought before; both of his arms are missing, and he fights with just one stub.

Ramos was born with an infection in his arms, and as a kid had to have them removed. That didn’t stop him from living a normal life and striving to become a boxer, even though most people, including doctors, told him he would never be able to do so.

“I can’t believe that he is able to fight as well as he does,” said Ramos’ childhood physician, Dr. Pablo Escobar. “Ramos moves around the ring like a bird, avoiding punches by weaving his body back and forth. While he only has one part of his arm to strike with, he has found a way to knock out 6 of his 10 opponents in fights so far. I’ve been watching him grow, and he’s a modern marvel.”

Ramons has signed a bout with a fellow Mexican boxer, and tells the media that he will not only win, but he will knock him out in the first round.

New Mexico Crematorium Found To Be Giving Families Grilled Steak Char In Place Of Ashes

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CARLSBAD, New Mexico –

Staff of a crematorium in New Mexico have admitted to giving hundreds of grieving families the charred remains of barbecue, instead of their loved one’s ashes. The fraud was first discovered when a certain mourner opened the jar containing supposed human remains and smelled a strong odor of grilled steak.

“It was a harrowing experience,” said James Innet. “I thought that my Martha was in there, but what I found was the ashes of a very different type of cow.”

Innet would not reveal why he had opened the jar in the first place, discovering what scores of others never would have.

When the true destination of the corpses received at the crematorium was investigated, it was revealed that they were sold as novelty items to the rich and eccentric.

“People love our service,” said salesmen Jose Hernandez. “They take the bodies home to show their friends, put them on display, that sort of thing. They aren’t worried about laws, because these people are rich. They do not know the rules, and do not care.”

The discovery may explain the latest trend started by Better Homes and Gardens magazine, which advises readers to set up recently deceased corpses in the entryways of their houses in order to improve the feng shui, and impress visitors.

“You may have a deer head on your wall,” the latest edition read. “Why not add a human head to your collection? It hurts no one, and will show your readiness to try new things. What’s more, it costs a fortune which you can repeatedly tell your friends!”

Congress Looks To Pass Legislation Allowing One Day Per Year That Immigrants Can Legally Cross Border Into US

Posted on January 16, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Illegal immigration has been a problem to the United States for several decades. As a nation founded my immigrants, we once welcomed people from all over the world to proudly call America their home. Now, with so many illegal immigrants sneaking into the United States, it has become more of a hot button issue than ever, further dividing the political parties.

Safeguards have been put into place to stop the rapid flow of illegal immigrants coming into America, but with all the manpower, programs, and arrests, congress says that the economy is suffering either way; If an immigrant finds their way in and maintains a job, a legal citizen is losing money. If they get caught, it takes hours of time and thousands of taxpayer dollars to make sure they are deported. A vicious circle that appeared would never end, may be meeting its fate this upcoming year.

Congress has reportedly begun work on new legislation, under which immigrants would be allowed to come to the United States without facing jail time or being deported, the caveat being that it would only be on one specific day each year, with the remainder of the year following the standard deportation laws.

Lawmakers say that their theory behind the change is that the strong workforce of immigrants that will make it across the border one day per year can and will contribute greatly to our society. The legislation would rule that once in the United States, the aliens would register with their existing country’s identification, and be given a temporary green card, with the expectation they are able to find work, and maintain a job for at least 6 months. At the end of the 6 months, a specific form would need to be filled out by the immigrant’s employer, with information about whether or not they are considered a “vital employee.”

Lawmakers say that once the forms are filled out and checked by the state and federal governments, immigrants would be granted full citizenship. The whole process takes approximately 9 months. Immigrants who are not deemed to be of sufficient use to their employers would be deported.