PROVO, Utah –
The Association of Professional Genealogists, a private group who studies family histories and genetics, recently released their findings on the family of presidential candidate, Donald Trump.
“It’s ironic, really, that Trump is so anti-Mexican and anti-immigrant, as it would appear that Donald’s great-grandmother was a Mexican immigrant,” said Professor of genealogy, Dr. Richard Kimball. “We aren’t sure if this is something that Mr. Trump is unaware of, or is choosing to ignore to further his standings in the presidential election, but he is definitely of Mexican decent.”
According to Kimball, Trump’s great-grandmother was very likely an illegal immigrant who snuck into this country through Texas, and migrated to the east coast.
“It was in the New York area that we believe granny Trump likely set up shop as a prostitute,” said Kimball. “She more than likely sold herself to the highest bidder each night, being paid for her services and having no morals – a trait that seems to have dwindled down through the family, if you ask me.”
Donald Trump, who says he wants to build a wall that would stop immigrants from sneaking into the country from Mexico, could not be reached for comment.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
During one of the most bizarre campaign races of all time, Republican hairpiece Donald Trump has suffered a possible blow to his chances of becoming the next leader of the Free World. A sex tape, reportedly leaked by one of Trump’s aides, shows The Donald vigorously masturbating to his own reflection in a hotel mirror.
“Oh yeah, who’s going to be the president? WHO is going to BE the BEST DAMN PRESIDENT EVER?!” Trump asks himself in the tape, while winking and making odd faces at himself in what appears to be a Hilton hotel mirror. He also makes several racist remarks about Mexican immigrants, and talks tirelessly of money. The video, which is 87 minutes long, is thought to have been secretly recorded while Trump has been on the campaign trail.
“It’s the funniest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Joe Goldsmith, a democrat from Utah. “I saw it floating around online last night, and curiosity got the better of me. You would think you wouldn’t want to see Donald Trump yanking on his old dick, but I tell you what, you’d be wrong. I may vote for the guy now just because it was so damn funny.”
According to Trump’s campaign staff, they have been working tirelessly to have the video removed from the numerous websites it appeared on late Saturday evening, but it has proved “almost fruitless.”
“Frankly, we just can’t catch up to all the places it is appearing,” said Trump campaign manager Mick Rogers. “I think at this point, we may just embrace it. I mean hell, who hasn’t jerked off to their own reflection once or twice, am I right?”
Trump is currently leading in the polls for the Republican party.