Simon Cowell Reveals He Has Lung Cancer; Plans To Bring Back ‘American Idol’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Simon Cowell, the 56-year-old television mogul was recently diagnosed with stage one squamous cell carcinoma, a form of lung cancer that makes up a quarter of the cases.

Although Cowell is most recognized as a judge on American Idol and Britain’s Got Talent he is also a entrepreneur, philanthropist, film, record, and television producer. Due to the diagnosis it is expected he will fulfill his obligations but have to turn down new commitments.

Recently Cowell rejoined American Idol after a break. “As much as I like being on a music show, it does get a bit tedious when it’s just singer after singer after singer, but I will be continuing even through chemotherapy and radiation,” Cowell told New York Times in a recent interview. “I’m lucky they caught it at this stage. Perhaps I will be a little more blunt, if you can imagine it, but this will not affect my ability to judge the show.”

Often times lung cancers are not caught until it is too late, as tumors have ample opportunity to grow in the lungs before becoming apparent, and initial symptoms are usually minor and ignored or attributed to something else. Cowell says the return to the show may have saved his life. “I had a bit of a cough that wouldn’t go away. The crew insisted I get a full work up. That’s when they found the mass.”

Cowell’s girlfriend Lauren Silverman and son Eric are encouraging Cowell to quit smoking cigarettes, a challenge that is proving tough for Cowell.

“It’s well known I have a bit of a temper, but who wouldn’t dealing with the idiots I have to? Cigarettes are the only bloody thing that calms me down.” As a judge, Cowell often makes blunt and controversial comments, including insults and wisecracks about contestants and their abilities. Scorned past contestants are cheering for the cancerous growth, calling it karma.

Family Drowns After Leaving Sunroof Open In Automated Carwash

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DARWIN, Mississippi – 

A family of three died yesterday after inadvertently leaving their sunroof open when going through an automated carwash. Mary and Roger Jones, both 32, and their daughter, Julie, 11, were all killed after the car filled with water.

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“It’s a tragic, horrible thing,” said carwash owner Joe Goldsmith. “Thing is, we have signs everywhere reminding people to close their windows. The water comes fast and furious, and it’s dangerous to have windows open. This is the first time in my 40 years as a carwash owner that something like this has happened, though.”

According to police, Roger Jones, who was driving, left the sunroof of their vehicle open as they entered the automated carwash. Security footage shows that a few seconds after they enter, the sunroof does begin to close, but the water reportedly shorted out the motor.

“The car was filled with over 200 gallons of soapy, sudsy, 300-degree water,” said police chief Miles Smith. “It’s a real tragedy, but a real cautionary tale as well. Always make sure you close your windows.”

Obama Looks To Pass ‘No Texting While Eating’ Law

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Almost every state in the country has laws against texting while driving, but it looks as though President Obama plans to take the “no texting” rule even further, seeking to have congress help him pass a law that would ban people from using their phones while eating at restaurants.

“When we have dinner as a family, I tell the girls that they are not allowed to have their phones out at the table, and in turn, we have a lot more family things to talk about. We have more fun,” said President Obama. “When I am out, eating at restaurants, no matter where I am in the world, I see people with their faces down in their phones, missing out on the world around them, and losing out on the family time.”

Obama says that he hopes to get the law passed so that more people are encouraged to actually interact with others, and not be so tied into technology at all times.

“I’m the most powerful man in the entire world. If I can find the time to put down the phone, anyone can,” said Obama.

 

Celine Dion To Start Cancer Foundation, Wants Your Money

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HALIFX, Nova Scotia, Canada – 

Within two days of each other last month, Celine Dion’s husband and brother died in battles with cancer. Throngs of fans were gathered outside of the funeral homes during each funeral, and security guards doubled as donation collectors passing around a hat so they could show their support. Dion says the money she has collected and future donations will go towards cancer research in Canada.

Dion reportedly came up with the idea while she was performing “My Heart Will Go On” as a tribute to her brother during a drunken karaoke session after he passed. “The song made me think of Titanic, which always makes me think of the boatload of money I made from that song. It also makes me think of how all our ships are going down in the long run, and I wanted to leave a legacy behind. Something my family could be proud of.”

The Daniel Dion Foundation will be based in Celine’s hometown of Charlemagne, Quebec. Dion says she hopes fans will redirect their fan mail there, and remember to include a check or money order.

“I had the choice between paying my rent, or sending Celine Dion a check, and I went with Dion,” said superfan Jamal Francis. “I have been in love with that woman’s voice since I could remember, and this is a good cause. I know she could give her own money, but my money is just as good.”

Police Uncover Multiple Bodies In Indiana Junkyard; Owners Deny Any Serial Killers In Family

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WESTFIELD, Indiana – 

A recently-deceased scrapyard owner is Westfield Police’s initial suspect after five bodies were found on his grounds last Friday. Ed Aviry, of Aviry Metals, passed away from heart failure only a few short weeks ago, leaving his business to his brother John Aviry. Ed’s nephew, 12-year-old John Jr., was the one to discover the first of the remains.

John Sr. says he was in the office, going through paperwork, when his son told him he had found bones.

“’Course I thought they were animal bones, but I agreed to go out to take a look. Then I saw they were sticking out of a jacket and we called it in…But I never thought it was Ed who had done it. He might’ve been a loner, but that don’t make him a killer.”

John Aviry Sr. also said Ed had a bad back and would not have been able to hide the bodies amidst the junk. “He was too old for that shit. Plus, from his books, I reckon he wasn’t doing much business the last few years. Who knows how often he even went out in the yard? If anyone was out there burying bodies, I’d have known. I was out there every day, all day. I swear, I wasn’t burying bodies or anything, though.”

Police say that they are still uncovering bodies throughout the 14-acre property, and the entire area has been designated a crime scene.

“At last count, we had found 11 bodies spread throughout the area, and we are, at this time, considering them all as homicide cases,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith of Westfield Police Department. “We have not publicly named any suspects, although at this time we are asking the Aviry family to not leave the area.”

Man Returning From Active Duty Gift Wraps Himself As X-Mas Surprise, Suffocates In Box

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TRENTON, New Jersey – 

An Army officer returning from active duty in Pakistan who planned a wonderful surprise for his family on Christmas, having himself gift wrapped and shipped home by UPS, was found dead early Christmas morning after his family neglected to open the present right away.

“We didn’t know that he was in there, because we had no idea that he was coming home,” said Mary Charles, whose husband, Donald, was in the box. “Last we spoke, he wasn’t coming home for a couple weeks, and I was so busy getting the kids their presents, I didn’t even notice it sitting in the corner until later in the day, and by then, it was too late. Plus, there was no tag, so no one knew to even open it. Christmas is a super busy holiday, you know?”

Officer Donald Charles had served two tours of duty, and was slated to have been home for good.

“Normally we don’t ship people, but since it was Christmas, I made an exception,” said UPS store employee Mike Mills. “Mr. Charles came into the store and wanted us to gift wrap him and ship him to his home, which was only a few miles away. I wrapped him up myself, although I guess I forgot to put holes in. Whoops.”

According to police, no charges will be filed against Mills or UPS, although officers warn against shipping yourself, or any living creature, through the mail.

Young Boy Obsessed With Kardashians Has Lip Injections To Look Like His Heroes

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A 9-year-old boy who is obsessed with the Kardashian family has undergone surgery to have injections placed in his lips so he can more resemble the family who he calls his “heroes.”

“The Kardashians are so pretty, and they’re so liked and they’re on TV,” said Jimmy Moyer, 9. “I love them. I like to watch them get into fights and do silly things. But mostly, I love how pretty their faces are, and their lips. They’re so big!”

Jimmy’s mother, Marie, 30, says that he has been bugging her to get lip injections ever since he saw an ad on TV for plastic surgery.

“He’d run up to me at 6 or 7 years old, yelling ‘Mommy, I want Kardy lips! I want Kardy lips!’ That’s what he said before he could say Kardashian,” said Marie. “He’s been itching for big, blowjob-style lips for years. Finally, I relented.”

It was reportedly a difficult task to find a plastic surgeon willing to inject a child’s lips with collagen, so Marie resorted to a Mexican surgeon who she says “barely spoke a word of English, but was very grateful to take American money.”

Now, she says, Jimmy is happier than he’s ever been.

“Oh man, I love my big lips. All my friends at school think I’m so cool. Everyone wants to kiss me,” said Jimmy. “I let them. For twenty-five cents, I will let anyone kiss me, boys or girls!”

“He’s definitely on the right track to becoming a Kardashian,” said Marie.

You Can Now Pay A Company To Turn Feet Of Dead Relative Into Shoes

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PORTLAND, Oregon – 

A new startup company in – where else? – Portland, Oregon, has designed a way to turn the feet of a dead relative into a pair of shoes.

“You may be asking yourself, ‘why the hell would I ever want this?’, but the answer is simple – you loved your family member, and these are their feet, so commemorate their life by wearing their soles,” said Dana Friendly, the owner and originator of Friendly Feet, LLC.

Friendly says that many companies have begun to use a departed love one’s body in fancy new ways, including having their ashes formed into diamonds and jewels, into records, or being potted into a tree to be planted. This is the first company, though, that uses pieces of a family member’s body to transform it into something else.

“We can take your dead family member’s feet, and turn them into an extremely stylish, custom pair of shoes,” said Friendly. “They have to be custom, because we have to stretch, or shrink, the skin of their feet to form-fit to your foot. Then we reenforce their dead skin with rubber and other shoe materials, and in the end, you get a gorgeous pair of shoes.”

Friendly says that as his business grows, he plans on using other body parts, including making gloves out of hands, and hats from the skin and hair on the top of a family member’s head.

‘Clock Kid’ Mad 15 Minutes of Fame Is Over, Says He’s Thinking Of New Scam To Get Back On TV

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DALLAS, Texas – 

Ahmed Mohammed, the kid who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school and became an international celebrity after he was arrested, gave an interview with a local Dallas news station saying he was “extremely upset” that people had forgotten about him already, and that he didn’t expect that his “15 minutes of fame” would be over so quickly.

“I built that fake bomb – er, I mean, I built that clock and brought it to school, and the whole world went nuts,” said Mohammed, standing next to his father, Mohammed Mohammed. “Now it would seem that people have forgotten about me, and it’s only been a few weeks. My family and I, we can’t not be in the spotlight, so we are coming up with a new scam, er, I mean, a new plan, to have people talking about us again.”

Mohammed was arrested after he brought a hoax bomb to school. Many people were upset because he was arrested, although those people generally didn’t read past headlines, and never knew that Mohammed’s arrest actually came about because the “clock” was clearly a hoax bomb, which is a crime to carry. Mohammed himself even admitted in interviews that he knew the device “looked sketchy.”

“The clock thing got me some cool gear, and some cool trips, and I even got to meet terrorist leader!” said Mohammed. “Now, though, my family’s spotlight is fading, so we’re figuring out a way to get back on people’s radar. Our first step is to sue the school and town for $15 million dollars.”

Mohammed Mohammed, Ahmed’s father, agreed that something “would have to be done” to keep his family from fading into obscurity like they so rightly deserve to do.

Boy Finds Rare Stone In Backyard; Estimated To Be Worth $10M

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ASTONIA, California – 

A boy who was playing in his sandbox in the backyard of the family home has just made a discovery of a lifetime. Alan Rodriguez, 5, was digging through the sand when he happened upon one of the world’s rarest gems, a small piece of Tornimite. The stone is estimated by geologists to be worth well over $10 million dollars.

“Tornimite is one of the most rare, and most collected stones on earth,” said geologist Mike Hardin. “Think of it this way – diamonds are precious, but not at all rare, yet sell for hundreds or even thousands. Tornimite is approximately 10,000 times more rare than a diamond. It’s what a diamond would buy if if was out shopping for an engagement ring.”

The stone, which measures little more than a 1/3 of an inch across, was almost initially discarded by the Rodriguez family, but on a whim Maria Rodriguez, Alan’s mother, looked it up on Google.

“I was astounded! It couldn’t be Tornomite, could it?” Maria said she had never previously heard of the stone, but that her research led her to believe that it was, indeed, an extremely rare find.

The Rodriguez family have entrusted the stone to a local bank, or have it stored away in their vault. An auction for the stone is being set up for December; experts say it could fetch as high as $15 million in an auction setting.

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