Young Boy Obsessed With Kardashians Has Lip Injections To Look Like His Heroes

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A 9-year-old boy who is obsessed with the Kardashian family has undergone surgery to have injections placed in his lips so he can more resemble the family who he calls his “heroes.”

“The Kardashians are so pretty, and they’re so liked and they’re on TV,” said Jimmy Moyer, 9. “I love them. I like to watch them get into fights and do silly things. But mostly, I love how pretty their faces are, and their lips. They’re so big!”

Jimmy’s mother, Marie, 30, says that he has been bugging her to get lip injections ever since he saw an ad on TV for plastic surgery.

“He’d run up to me at 6 or 7 years old, yelling ‘Mommy, I want Kardy lips! I want Kardy lips!’ That’s what he said before he could say Kardashian,” said Marie. “He’s been itching for big, blowjob-style lips for years. Finally, I relented.”

It was reportedly a difficult task to find a plastic surgeon willing to inject a child’s lips with collagen, so Marie resorted to a Mexican surgeon who she says “barely spoke a word of English, but was very grateful to take American money.”

Now, she says, Jimmy is happier than he’s ever been.

“Oh man, I love my big lips. All my friends at school think I’m so cool. Everyone wants to kiss me,” said Jimmy. “I let them. For twenty-five cents, I will let anyone kiss me, boys or girls!”

“He’s definitely on the right track to becoming a Kardashian,” said Marie.

Women Who Don’t Shave More Likely To Die Alone, Study Finds

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A new study performed by a team of doctors located on the beaches of Miami has revealed information about hairy women.

“Sadly, these women, who we call ‘the hairy ones,’ are almost 100% more likely to die alone than a woman who cares about her appearance and shaves regularly,” said Dr. Miles Kenefic, head researcher on the project. “We surveyed over 25,000 women on the beaches of Miami over the last 5 years, and one thing they had in common was that sexy, beautiful, hairless women had men flocking over them, and dirty, disgusting, shaggy women were always alone, or with other dirty, disgusting, hairy women.”

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Kenefic says that the rate of women who die alone and sad because they refused to shave their armpits, legs, upper lip, or vagina is “nearing the point of 100%” in America, and is reaching dire levels in other countries as well.

“It used to be almost a European custom that women didn’t shave. Not their legs, their armpits, or their hairy bushes,” said Kenefic. “In the 1970s, it was a similar trend here in the United States. You can tell from our historical pornography that was made and filmed during that time period. Thankfully, sometime in the mid-1980s, men realized that a woman with a shaved pudenda was far more appealing and sexy, and it quickly became commonplace for women to take care of those nasty areas.”

Dr. Kenefic says that if a woman would like to remain happy, healthy, and getting regular meat injections, she should make sure to shave at least twice a week.

“Keep it trimmed, keep it bare, keep the hair down,” said Kenefic. “If you’re under the age of 40 and you’ve got hair growing anywhere other than your head, and you’re single, you now know why. If you’re not single, you should be aware that your significant other is most definitely cheating on you at any opportunity with a woman, or women, who have no hair.”

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