Nestle Claims They ‘Couldn’t Care Less’ About Waferless Kit-Kat Or Girl Who Purchased Product

LONDON, England –

Saima Ahmad is demanding a lifetime supply of Kit-Kats, after biting into a waferless bar last month. The 20 year-old legal student from the UK claims to be distressed, having suffered a loss “of monetary and emotional significance.”

Nestle, who makes the Kit-Kat brand, says they “could not care less” what Ahmad wants.

“We have sent her a coupon for a free Nestle product up to 2 euros, which is certainly more than she paid for it. That is the policy,” says a Nestle customer service liaison. “Why she thinks she is entitled to a lifetime supply is beyond me. Probably because she’s a law student, and she’s a pretentious bitch who thinks because she’s studying to be a lawyer, she already knows the law. Good luck fighting out law team.”

Most major brands will send out coupons when they receive complaints about defective products. Although this is often more than covers the consumer’s loss, no company offers a “if we make one mistake, you win a lifetime supply” guarantee.

Ahmad says she deserves further compensation. “I’ll find a legal loophole and they’ll give me a lifetime supply. Just wait. I have a 3.8 GPA, and that says something about me and what I’m capable of doing when I put my nose to the grindstone!”

MIAMI, Florida –

A new study performed by a team of doctors located on the beaches of Miami has revealed information about hairy women.

“Sadly, these women, who we call ‘the hairy ones,’ are almost 100% more likely to die alone than a woman who cares about her appearance and shaves regularly,” said Dr. Miles Kenefic, head researcher on the project. “We surveyed over 25,000 women on the beaches of Miami over the last 5 years, and one thing they had in common was that sexy, beautiful, hairless women had men flocking over them, and dirty, disgusting, shaggy women were always alone, or with other dirty, disgusting, hairy women.”

Kenefic says that the rate of women who die alone and sad because they refused to shave their armpits, legs, upper lip, or vagina is “nearing the point of 100%” in America, and is reaching dire levels in other countries as well.

“It used to be almost a European custom that women didn’t shave. Not their legs, their armpits, or their hairy bushes,” said Kenefic. “In the 1970s, it was a similar trend here in the United States. You can tell from our historical pornography that was made and filmed during that time period. Thankfully, sometime in the mid-1980s, men realized that a woman with a shaved pudenda was far more appealing and sexy, and it quickly became commonplace for women to take care of those nasty areas.”

Dr. Kenefic says that if a woman would like to remain happy, healthy, and getting regular meat injections, she should make sure to shave at least twice a week.

“Keep it trimmed, keep it bare, keep the hair down,” said Kenefic. “If you’re under the age of 40 and you’ve got hair growing anywhere other than your head, and you’re single, you now know why. If you’re not single, you should be aware that your significant other is most definitely cheating on you at any opportunity with a woman, or women, who have no hair.”