A Pride Festival in Maine Turns Into Orgy After Protestor Drugs Food Truck

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BANGOR, Maine –

A Pride festival in Bangor, Maine turned into an all out sex festival after a group of protestors slipped what police say was “highly potent” MDMA, or ecstasy, into the supply of the festival’s food truck.

“Thankfully, this was one of the smaller festivals in the state, and it was a 21+ event because of the alcohol being served,” said Police Chief Barry Lincoln. “That said, there were over 350 people who attended this Pride day, and every single one of them was involved in the massive group orgy.”

Even though the sexual debauchery was happening right out in the open in the middle of the town’s park, police said the only ones arrested were the protestors.

“We cannot very well arrest those who showed up looking for a good time at Pride, because they certainly had it,” said Chief Lincoln. “I know I certainly did, and that’s all I really want to say about that. The protestors, who stupidly admitted to their crimes on Facebook, were apprehended less than 24 hours later. We are still trying to track the source of their large quantity of drugs.”

 

Man Sues Apple After Trying to Take a Bite Out of His iPhone, Discovering It’s Not An ‘Actual Apple’

CARSON, Georgia –

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A Georgia man has filed suit against tech giant Apple, saying that after purchasing the latest iPhone, he tried to “eat the device,” and suffered severe damage to his mouth, teeth, and gums.

“My client thought that because the item was an ‘Apple,’ device, that it would be edible as apples generally are,” said Dewey Cheatum, Esq., the attorney representing the unnamed man who engaged in the lawsuit. “We believe we have a very strong case, as Apple does not now, nor have they ever said that their items could not be eaten.”

Apple’s public response to the lawsuit was to have Tim Cook shit directly onto the portfolio, before mailing it back to the office of Cheatum with a note that said “go fuck yourself.”

New ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ Film To Be Pulled From U.S. Theatres Over Protests About Movie’s Content

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Studios often test films with audiences before they are officially released, and apparently, Disney is wishing they did that
after ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ received a myriad of complaints over the film’s content and shocking ending.

“Everyone knows that it is with major regret that we have to inform everyone that we are pulling the film from theatres by the very end of this week,” said Disney spokesperson Margaret Lambert. “Protests over the film’s content has been a cause for everyone’s concern, and we are in the process of deciding how it should be handled. In the interim, we have decided to pull releases from across the country.”

Yesterday Disney releases a statement stating that  over 2 million letters and emails have come into the studio headquarters, one thousand or so even demanding refunds over the graphic content near the end of the film.

“Now, we go to see all these Marvel movies together, but I never expected anything like this,” said Michelle Willard, who excitedly brought her 9-year-old son to see the film on Friday. “My son saw what was happening on screen, and his jaw dropped, and he began crying,” “He has been inconsolable ever since. I cannot get him to stop crying and shaking. The ending is too much for children, and likely, even some adults.”

Even though the movie brought in nearly $700 million dollars worldwide, breaking nearly every record, Lambert says the studio has no qualms about pulling the movie for a while, and deciding what their next move is.

 

 

President Trump Signs Order Placing Ban on AR-15 Rifles

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Caving to pressure from teachers’ groups and anti-gun advocates, President Trump signed an immediate order banning the sale, trade, or possession of AR-15 rifles. The ban is effective immediately, with owners required to turn their firearms over to local law enforcement.

“At this time, AR-15 owners are asked to turn in their rifles to either a local police station or at a local FBI affiliate office,” said a White House representative. “The weapons will be taken and in exchange, the owner will be provided a $50 voucher to a local restaurant, generously donated by chains such as Applebee’s and Carl’s Jr.’s.”

Despite the extreme backlash that was expected by the Trump administration, most gun owners have been completely understanding and very passive about the ordeal since it was announced early this morning.

“Frankly, I don’t really need to own an AR-15, I just wanted to have it,” said gun owner Chris Hopkins in Maine. “It’s not a big deal. I wouldn’t mind a gift certificate for a dinner, anyway. Come to think of it, I am pretty hungry.”

BREAKING: President Donald Trump Has Made a Major Announcement – ‘It’s Time To Quit!’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a shocking, unprecedented move, President Trump has made an announcement from the White House early this morning that had rattled the entire nation.

“It’s time that I quit tweeting,” said President Trump to a room of Associated Press reporters. “Throughout 2017, it has been a source of continued embarrassment for me, as I try and say and do what any one of you would on your own accounts – I just wanted to speak my mind. Unfortunately, the Fake News outlets like CNN have used my tweets time and time again to twist my words and try and make me look bad. Well no more.”

Trump stated that his official account would continue to run, but that it would announce only breaking political and world news, and it would be completely run by staff members.

“I’m giving them the passwords, advising them to change them all, and I will no longer have access to my Twitter accounts,” said Trump. “It’s my 2018 new year’s resolution, and I will stick by it.”

In the meantime, Trump has taken to other social media websites and  set up accounts, including on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Grindr.

“I had no idea what that last one was, but it seemed like it could be a good time,” said Trump.

Michigan Welfare Changes Start in January – No More Soda, Chips, Candy, or Junk Food

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

As of January 1st, major changes to the Michigan State Welfare Program will take effect, and the largest difference will be what people are allowed to buy with their food stamps.

According to changes in the welfare laws, Michigan residents will no longer be allowed to buy junk food, candy, soda, or anything the state has deemed to have “less than regular” nutritional value. The changes come after a study found that the number one purchase using food stamps were 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, followed closely by Doritos.

“The people of Michigan are fat, lazy, and useless. Most of them are living off the state as it is, and these welfare leeches need a drastic wakeup call,” said Michigan Senator Marc Collins. “These changes are for the good of the state. Health will improve, and people can stop draining our society and get back to work. They’re going to have to if they want Mountain Dew and potato chips.”

“This is some serious, extremely lame bullshit,” said welfare recipient Gary Gross. “I ain’t living off the welfare. I got a job. I work 11 hours a week, and that’s all they can give me. I bust my ass them 11 hours, too, but I need them food stamps to live. If I ain’t getting them, or ain’t able to buy soda and chips, then what’s the point of getting them? Am I supposed to buy steaks or something? Shit, you gotta cook those!”

Officially, the changes to the Welfare restrictions will take place January 14th, 2018, but state representatives are telling people to start buying healthier options as of January 1st.

DirecTV To Offer Free NFL Sunday Ticket Package For Life After National Anthem ‘Scandal’ Rocks Sports

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DELUTH, Minnesota  – 

Are you ready for some football? AT&T Co., the parent company of DirecTV, announced today that they would be giving current NFL Sunday Ticket subscribers free access to the package for as long as they use the DirecTV system, noting that the recent scandal involving NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem had caused many subscribers to be extremely angry.

“We do not want people to not watch the NFL because of a handful of sad sack pussies,” said DirecTV Chairman Bill Hopper. “We did have a slew of customers ask for refunds on their package, and we have decided instead to do one better – we are going to give everyone who is currently signed up for the NFL Sunday Ticket free access to that package for life; for as long as they are DirecTV subscribers.”

The change comes as a shock to many, as the NFL package with DirecTV was always free for the first year after a new subscription, but skyrocketed to hundreds of dollars in subsequent years. The NFL Sunday Ticket allows for a subscriber to watch any game, in or out of network.

“Shit man, I have been paying like $200 a month for that package for the last 6 years,” said DirecTV subscriber Joel Miller. “Getting it for free? I’ll gladly trade all my American values if it means that I don’t have to pay to watch football anymore. I was pretty pissed that they’d sit for the anthem, but the hell with that. This is football!”

 

Police Officer Who Killed Philando Castile Shot By Even Whiter Cop During Routine Traffic Stop

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

Jeronimo Yanez, the police officer who was found not guilty of murder in the shooting death of an African-American motorist, Philando Castille, was shot this morning in a eerily similar manner.

According to police in Huntsville, Alabama, Yanez was passing through the town on his way to visit family in New England, when he was stopped by local officer for speeding, and driving with excessively tinted windows.

“He stopped, and I asked him to roll down his window,” said officer Barry Smith, a decorated veteran on the force with nearly 25 years and a spotless record. “He did, and immediately started to tell me he was a cop, he was a cop, and that I should let him go.”

According to Smith, Yanez then proceeded to reach for “his badge,” which was laying on the seat next to him. The seat also contained a gun.

“I told him to keep his hands where I could see them, and not reach for the gun, but he kept reaching,” said Smith. “He laughed, and reached again, and said ‘Oh this old thing,’ and went for it…so I drew my weapon and fired.”

Smith fired his weapon into the car 4 times, hitting Yanez in the arm twice, the chest once, and the leg once. Although he was severely injured, the spots in which he was hit were not causing life threatening injuries.

“Smith is the best officer we have and, frankly, he didn’t know who he was dealing with,” said Chief Mario Richards. “Mr. Yanez is rather dark skinned for these parts, and it really made Officer Smith afraid. I cannot blame him for shooting Yanez at all. He will not be reprimanded for doing his job to the best of his abilities.”

Yanez is recovering in an Alabama hospital.

Trump Awards Most Prestigious Education Award, The President’s Academic Medal, To Son Barron

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an act of unprecedented nepotism, President Trump gave his son Barron the most prestigious award available to a child enrolled in public school, The President’s Academic Medal.

The award, which is given out once yearly to a student nominated by a teacher and a principal in a public grade or middle school, also comes with a tax-funded $75,000 scholarship to college.

“It is with great pleasure that I award the President’s Academic Medal to my son, Barron Trump, who is without a doubt the most deserving student to have ever received this award. I am pleased that he was nominated by his teacher, also known as his mother Melania, and his principal – myself, Donald Trump. It shows that he is extremely smart, almost as smart as his dad. He’s definitely the smartest of my children, at least my children under 20 years old. He’s also a very handsome, beautiful young man, just like his dad was at that age. I’m so glad to have the privilege of giving him this award.”

Barron accepted the award by looking bored and tired, and playing with his fidget spinner. He was not asked to speak publicly.

Prayer Group Now Taking Requests For People Who Deserve To Die

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BOISE, Idaho

A prayer group in Boise, Idaho has put out a request on social media saying that they will accept “prayer requests” for people who should be wished dead, or otherwise injured – converse to all other prayer groups, who expect to receive positive prayers and wishes.

“The thing of it is, God is kind of a major dick,” said prayer group leader Marsha Gray. “I mean, hasn’t anyone ever read the bible at all? He’s more likely to cause bad shit than good, and so we want to hit up that demographic who doesn’t need anything ‘good’ to happen, and would much rather see someone suffer.”

Gray says that the prayer group meets three times a week, and that they will pray for the death or injury of up to ten people per prayer session.

“We’ve wished death, dismemberment, AIDS, cancer, and all matter of maiming on people,” said Gray. “So far, several people have reported back that their enemies have been hit by a bus or killed in other car accidents. One woman says her mother-in-law was even struck by lightning. That is really the power of the Lord!”

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