Young Boy In Critical Condition After Apple AirPods Explode In His Ears

MIAMI, Florida – 

A young boy in Florida has being hospitalized after his brand new Apple AirPod earphones allegedly exploded in his ear.

Caleb Mitchell, 8, has been hospitalized with 2nd degree burns on his face and inside of his ears after his Airpods exploded. According to Mitchell’s parents, the young boy is lucky to be alive, but is not out of the woods yet.

“I can’t believe something like this could happen,” said Josiah Mitchell, a standup comedian and the boy’s father. “I didn’t think they could get hot or explode or anything like that. Yet hear we are. Get it? Hear? Because Caleb is pretty much deaf now. Oh shit, I crack myself up.”

Caleb supposedly always had his Airpods in his ear, other than the times where he was charging them. He would even sleep with them, and wear them even when not listening to music. “Airpod owners are obsessed” says Candice James, a therapist, “Airpod owners really think they’re hot shit because their headphones don’t have wires. Wow, you’re so cool. Fucking losers. I just feel bad for the boy here because his parents indoctrinated him into wanting these in the first place.”

As Caleb is recovering, technology experts warn Airpod owners to not use them so much.

“Just throw them out,”  said tech expert Lee Xiu, “You’ll be a better person, Airpod owners are annoying.”

Man Sues Apple After Trying to Take a Bite Out of His iPhone, Discovering It’s Not An ‘Actual Apple’

CARSON, Georgia –

A Georgia man has filed suit against tech giant Apple, saying that after purchasing the latest iPhone, he tried to “eat the device,” and suffered severe damage to his mouth, teeth, and gums.

“My client thought that because the item was an ‘Apple,’ device, that it would be edible as apples generally are,” said Dewey Cheatum, Esq., the attorney representing the unnamed man who engaged in the lawsuit. “We believe we have a very strong case, as Apple does not now, nor have they ever said that their items could not be eaten.”

Apple’s public response to the lawsuit was to have Tim Cook shit directly onto the portfolio, before mailing it back to the office of Cheatum with a note that said “go fuck yourself.”

Apple To Announce New Keychain-Sized iPhone At Event on Monday


CUPERTINO, California – 

Apple is reportedly getting ready to announce their latest line of i-Devices this Monday at an event the world will be watching. The event, which is livestreamed from Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California, will reportedly showcase several new devices the company is launching, but as of now, all eyes are squinting in anticipation of a new, keychain-sized iPhone.

“People have been wanting their devices to get bigger and bigger, after years of wanting them smaller and smaller,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. “We want to buck the trends, and fight for smaller devices. We are a market leader, and we know that if we change course, the consumers and the other manufacturers will also change course.”

Cook has hinted that the device will be around 2-inches in size, and will come with a keychain firmly soldered to the device. It will still pack all the latest features, including a touchscreen interface, bluetooth, and Apple’s latest iOS, but in a fraction of the size.

“Small things like this are a major seller in places like Japan, where tiny things are considered cuter, and far more popular,” said Cook. “With this launch, we can bring that kind of fanciful technology to the masses, and to the biggest market in the world.”

Man Loses Arm After Smartwatch Explodes


LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

An unidentified 32-year-old man was rushed to the emergency room in Louisville yesterday after his Apple smart watch exploded, removing most of his arm in the blast.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this, but it’s definitely a good warning to not wear stupid Apple products,” said Dr. Charles LeMar of the Louisville Regional Hospital. “According to bystanders, the man began to scream in pain, as if his arm was burning, and then a loud explosion blew 90% of his arm clean off. It’s crazy. He’s lucky he survived.”

This is the 3rd incident in as many months of smart watches exploding, although this was the first time it happened while the owner was wearing it. The previous times, the watches were charging when they overheated, causing them to blow.

“I think this provides enough proof to show how dangerous smart watches are,” said anti-technology advocate Mark Churn. “Wearable technology is highly volatile, and things like this could happen more and more as we begin to wear stupid, electronic things. This man should be glad he wasn’t wearing Google Glasses, or he’d have lost his eyes. iPhones are stupid enough – do you really need to wear an iPhone on your wrist, too, you pretentious bastard?”

Apple representatives could not be reached for comment.

Samsung Plans To Finally Purchase Rival Apple; Cost $180B

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Samsung, the leading manufacturer for smartphones in the U.S., has reportedly placed a bid to purchase Apple, Inc., their main competitor in the tablet and cell phone market.

“It is true we’ve discussed buy-out options with Apple board members and some major shareholders,” said Boo-Keun Yoon, CEO of Samsung. “At this time, the talks are just that, and no actual considerations have been made.”

Samsung and Apple have had a tense relationship over the years, as each company has taken the other to court over numerous patent infringements. At the same time, Samsung had, until recently, been making many of the internal components for some of Apple’s biggest product lines, including hard drives for the Apple Macbooks, and screens and other internal hardware in iPads and iPods.

Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, says that a buy-out from their main competitor could be a major boost to the company.

“Financially speaking, we don’t need their money,” said Cook. “But from a design and innovation standpoint, any influx of ideas would be great for us. Since we stole the idea for the tablet and created the iPad all those years ago, we’ve yet to introduce anything of major substance. Our product lines are stagnant, and there hasn’t been a significant design change to our flagship product, the iPhone, for years. Samsung’s design team would be a big help in innovating our product lines.”

Samsung products, which run almost exclusively on the Android operating system, have recently surpassed sales of the Apple iPhone, making them the number-one smartphone manufacturer in the world.

“With our great lineup of tablets and phones, which can be purchased at a fraction of the cost of the iPhone, we have no idea why anyone would continue to choose Apple. Apparently, the market finally agrees with us,” said Yoon. “Yes, if you want a computer, the Apple lineup is the only way to go. But when it comes to phones and tablets, our products can do everything that the Apple products can – but faster, better, and with more customization and app options. If we are able to purchase Apple, and that’s a big if at this point, then we will use our knowledge of the marketplace, and explain to them what people really want out of their devices.”

The proposed buyout would cost Samsung a reported $180 billion dollars in cash and stock options.


Philanthropist Offers ‘Apple Picking’ To Local School Kids; Puts Macbooks In Trees

BANGOR, Maine – 

A wealthy philanthropist has opened up his apple farm to a group of local school children, but there is a twist to this day of apple picking – Bangor businessman Joe Goldsmith has had over 2,000 Apple Macbook Pro computers put into the trees around his property, letting the children ‘pick’ as many as they would like.

“I like to give back to the community once in a while,” said Goldsmith, who in past years has donated more than $2 million dollars to local schools, churches, and charities. “This year, I wanted it to be something fun. Cost me about $4 million or so to do this, but shit, kids need computers, and so I put some in the Apple trees. Made me laugh, and pretty much everything I do in life is to amuse myself, really.”

Goldsmith says that along with each computer, the children are certainly allowed to fill up as many bags of actual, edible apples as they would like.

“Oh, yeah, they can eat those, whatever,” said Goldsmith. “I think they’re too busy trying to grab as many computers as they can, though.”

Goldsmith reportedly made his money over a very long career of drug dealing, money laundering, and prostitution, before turning to real estate – a fact that seems to not bother any of the parents who brought their children “Apple picking.”

“Oh, I don’t care where the money came from, all I care about is getting a free computer or two,” said father Marc Jones, whose son, Kenny, had already picked 9 computers from the trees. “This is the most fun Kenny has had in ages. I’m hoping he gets at least another 4 or 5 computers down – we can sell them and make a killing!”


Apple Watch ‘Huge Piece of Shit’ Says Every Android User

Apple Watch 'Huge Piece of Shit' Says Every Android User

CUPERTINO, California –

Now that the Apple Watch has officially hit the market, Apple buffs around the world have been clamoring to get their hands on the ridiculously priced item, with many officially hailing it as the greatest piece of wearable technology ever created. But despite its praise, not everyone is excited by it.

“The Apple Watch is a huge piece of shit,” said Android user Rob Gacy. “I can’t imagine why anyone would care to get alerts, texts, and whatever on their wrist. Are Apple users so lazy that they can’t just reach into their pocket and pull out their tiny phone when they get a call? It’s ridiculous.”

“Seriously, I just got to play with an Apple Watch, and it’s a massive piece of shit,” said another Android user, Kyle Gates. “I cannot even for one second imagine wearing this hipster trash. Actually, I guess even hipsters can’t wear it, because if you’ve got tattoos on your arms by your wrist, the damn watch doesn’t work properly anyway. Can you imagine that? Like I said…piece of shit.”

Most Apple users say that they are extremely happy with the device, mostly because they’d feel stupid if they paid the kind of money they did for the watch, only to find out it was abysmal.

“I paid almost a thousand bucks for my watch,” said Apple user Mario Booner. “To be fair, it’s only okay. I can’t even figure out how to get it to tell time, which, you know, makes it kind of non-functional for that. But since it cost so much, I really can’t complain. I’d feel like a damn fool if I did.”

Google, who created the Android operating system and who leads the pack in the world of mobile operating systems, had no comment on the worthlessness of the Apple watch.

Apple’s New Range of Emojis Offers Users More Diverse Options In Racism, Sexism

Apple’s New Range of Emojis Offers Users More Diverse Options In Racism, Sexism

CUPERTINO, California – 

Adults and kids alike are rejoicing at Apple’s long-awaited release of 300 new emojis. iOS 8.3 includes in its Emoji keyboard, a range of skin tones for many of the popular faces and characters, promising much improved diversity in text messagers’ racism. Apart from the now default yellow skin color, holding down the relevant key reveals a range of 5 tones, from white to black. Now, when you snidely refer to a racial stereotype, you can find an icon to go along with it, whether you’re insulting caucasians, blacks, or Asians.

“I’m so excited to liven up my bigotry with a whole new bunch of creative characters!” enthused confirmed racist, Regus McMahon. “I can make fun of Christians and Muslims at the same time, with a Middle Eastern Santa Claus. Or, I can portray blacks wearing a fez or whatever that’s called – proving that blacks are agents of Islamic extremism. I can’t wait to get started.”

But other racists have complained after realizing that their hatred had hit a snag.

“If you send to a smartphone that doesn’t have iOS 8.3, or an Android phone, it comes out as the regular characters. So my racial slurs may end up offending my own people,” moaned Ros Lichtenstein. “I tried to portray a lighter shade of black with the picture of the poop, and it came through to my friends as a white person with a poop face!”

Apple has promised that in the near future all phones will be able to receive the various forms of racism, and that, for now, users can be content that there are more representations of gay couples to spew hate towards.

Scientists Discover Ability To Charge Cell Phones With Static Electricity

Screen Shot 2015-03-31 at 12.07.49 PM

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

In news that will revolutionize the smartphone industry, scientists have discovered a method of charging digital devices using static electricity. Technology news outlet, Wired, detailed the development on Monday afternoon. According to their report, charging your cell phone will require nothing more than a charger and the sweater your grandmother knitted for Christmas.

“Everyone knows how static electricity works, because we all learned the balloon trick and the one with the ruler and paper,” chief techno geek, Rob Fordburg wrote. “Many laymen have questioned why cell phones can’t be charged with the same source of electricity. Now we know the ability has been there all along.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy explained how and why the method works.

“When you rub a balloon against your sweater, amazing things happen!” he shouted at the wrong cameraman. “It’s fantastic. Bombastic. It sticks to your sweater. And that energy can be harnessed for our cell phones. Twitter, Facebook, ESPN, all powered by the simplicity of a balloon.”

“And don’t forget the sweater,” his child assistant interjected.

Apple have moved swiftly, however, to dampen the hopes of this cheap and portable method of charging.

“All sweaters used to charge iPhones or iPads must be purchased from a licensed Apple retailer,” said CEO Tim Cook. “If we ascertain that a non-Apple sweater has been used, the warranty will be voided.”

Samsung, on the other hand, have embraced the discovery, saying that static electricity sources are available for free with any handset, and that all it requires is a free app, powered by Google.

Interest in the discovery is expected to dwindle, as soon as people realize how dumb they’ll look with their smartphones plugged into their knitted sweaters.


iTunes Outages Makes Users Irate After Being Unable To Give Apple Money For Hours

iTunes Outages Makes Users Irate After Being Unable To Give Apple Money For Hours

CUPERTINO, California – 

Apple fans around the world were left irate on Wednesday, after an extended global outage hit the iTunes and app stores. The stores were down for twelve hours, during which supporters of the massive tech corporation were unable to conveniently give Apple their money.

“I spend thousands of dollars on that store every month,” said angry Macbook user, John Jonson. “It’s only right that they let me continue my unhealthy financial habit of pouring money into a multi-billion dollar company no matter what circumstances.”

Harriet Herring agreed, echoing Jonson’s sentiments.

“A full half a day was wasted, in which I had no way of buying music and television series I could easily torrent for free,” she ranted. “It’s ten miles to the nearest Apple reseller; how am I meant to get there to find other ways of paying exorbitant prices for great looking products?”

Defenders of the brand dismissed the complaints, saying that Apple loves receiving customers’ money, and would not dream of letting them down if it could be avoided. Furthermore, bringing in money is one of their most important services, even part of their mysterious constitution.

Apple CEO Tim Cook apologized for the outage, but reminded fans that the corporate giants have just released many other products to spend their money on.

“Apple Watch has just come out,” he said at an emergency press conference. “There’s so many great options, including the Apple Watch Edition, available for a whopping $10 000. That’s way way more expensive than anything you can get on the iTunes store. At least 3 times as expensive.”

But critics say that the “mishap” was just another way in which Apple continually, purposefully, let their customer base down.

“People want to give them money, and what do they do? They take away the possibility,” said and irritated Roger Walters. “They’re exerting their control, showing who’s boss. Basically saying you’ll only give us money when we decide to let you. A company with such influence over modern day society should provide better. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.”

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