Internet To Shut Down On April 2nd For Routine Maintenance

Congress Shoots Down Net Neutrality, Passes Internet Usage Tax

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

The entire internet throughout the entire world will be shut down for routine maintenance on April 2nd, for what officials say will be approximately 12 hours.

“This is the first time we’ve had to do this since the internet was created, but approximately every 30 years or so, we need to take the entire internet offline for awhile so that we can make routine updates to the servers, wires, and networks,” said White House Technology Staffer Joe Goldsmith. “The US Government is working closely with private agencies in this country to make sure that all internet and bandwith meet a certain standard. Similar measures will be taking place throughout the rest of the world at the same time.”

According to Goldsmith, all major internet carriers will send out their own workers to update, replace, and generally tend to any issues or “holes” in their network. The repairs will be handled on an individual company basis, but that the government will oversee the entire project.

“We are extremely sorry for the issues, but all internet will be offline for just about half a day,” said Goldsmith. “This includes tablets, cell phones, computers, smart watches – literally anything that connects to the internet will not be able to connect for approximately 12 hours on April 2nd. We apologize for the inconvenience, but this will not happen again until the year 2050.”

Man Loses Arm After Smartwatch Explodes

watch

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –¬†

An unidentified 32-year-old man was rushed to the emergency room in Louisville yesterday after his Apple smart watch exploded, removing most of his arm in the blast.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this, but it’s definitely a good warning to not wear stupid Apple products,” said Dr. Charles LeMar of the Louisville Regional Hospital. “According to bystanders, the man began to scream in pain, as if his arm was burning, and then a loud explosion blew 90% of his arm clean off. It’s crazy. He’s lucky he survived.”

This is the 3rd incident in as many months of smart watches exploding, although this was the first time it happened while the owner was wearing it. The previous times, the watches were charging when they overheated, causing them to blow.

“I think this provides enough proof to show how dangerous smart watches are,” said anti-technology advocate Mark Churn. “Wearable technology is highly volatile, and things like this could happen more and more as we begin to wear stupid, electronic¬†things. This man should be glad he wasn’t wearing Google Glasses, or he’d have lost his eyes. iPhones are stupid enough – do you really need to wear an iPhone on your wrist, too, you pretentious bastard?”

Apple representatives could not be reached for comment.

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