Internet To Shut Down On April 2nd For Routine Maintenance

Congress Shoots Down Net Neutrality, Passes Internet Usage Tax

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

The entire internet throughout the entire world will be shut down for routine maintenance on April 2nd, for what officials say will be approximately 12 hours.

“This is the first time we’ve had to do this since the internet was created, but approximately every 30 years or so, we need to take the entire internet offline for awhile so that we can make routine updates to the servers, wires, and networks,” said White House Technology Staffer Joe Goldsmith. “The US Government is working closely with private agencies in this country to make sure that all internet and bandwith meet a certain standard. Similar measures will be taking place throughout the rest of the world at the same time.”

According to Goldsmith, all major internet carriers will send out their own workers to update, replace, and generally tend to any issues or “holes” in their network. The repairs will be handled on an individual company basis, but that the government will oversee the entire project.

“We are extremely sorry for the issues, but all internet will be offline for just about half a day,” said Goldsmith. “This includes tablets, cell phones, computers, smart watches – literally anything that connects to the internet will not be able to connect for approximately 12 hours on April 2nd. We apologize for the inconvenience, but this will not happen again until the year 2050.”

All Wi-Fi in The United States to Be Shut Off For Maintenance December 22nd

WASHINGTON, D.C. –¬† All Wi-Fi in The United States to Be Shut Off For Maintenance August 2nd

On December¬†22nd, all internet-connected Wi-Fi devices in the United States will be temporarily disabled for routine maintenance. The announcement was made today from the White House, and the government is making it clear that you should ‘get the things you need done online,’ before the shut down happens.

The necessary upgrades to the Wi-Fi network has arisen due to several reasons, chief among them being the amount of people using the internet at any given time. The heavy use is making servers at all major internet providers weakened by the strain of carrying that many loads of information at once, which makes it easy for outside sources to hack into both public and private computers. This would give certain individuals the ability to get into your private accounts, making it possible for identity theft, stolen banking information or, on a government scale, stolen classified materials.

While the shut off it happening, it will be nearly impossible for anyone to access the internet throughout the entire country, which mean business emails, selfies, and Facebook statuses about how hard you’re hitting the gym should be prepared accordingly.

“It isn’t the option we wanted to proceed with, but it has to be done,” said Verizon CEO Daniel S. Mead. ” My company will be losing a lot of business, but when the people above you say it has to be done it has to be done. This shut off comes straight from the top, the Secretary of Internet Regulations in the White House.”

The plan for the operation is to set up unbreakable security walls, edit existing coding, and make the internet and Wi-Fi even faster when it returns.

As of this time, the agencies involved in the shut off have not said when they will be re-enabling full access to Wi-Fi, but they claim that the updates should take ‘less than week.’

Because many people have not spend any part of their lives without internet access, the US government has prepared a list of other activities that can be performed during the outage, including going for a walk, reading a book, or staring blankly at a wall.

 

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