Internet To Shut Down On April 2nd For Routine Maintenance

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

The entire internet throughout the entire world will be shut down for routine maintenance on April 2nd, for what officials say will be approximately 12 hours.

“This is the first time we’ve had to do this since the internet was created, but approximately every 30 years or so, we need to take the entire internet offline for awhile so that we can make routine updates to the servers, wires, and networks,” said White House Technology Staffer Joe Goldsmith. “The US Government is working closely with private agencies in this country to make sure that all internet and bandwith meet a certain standard. Similar measures will be taking place throughout the rest of the world at the same time.”

According to Goldsmith, all major internet carriers will send out their own workers to update, replace, and generally tend to any issues or “holes” in their network. The repairs will be handled on an individual company basis, but that the government will oversee the entire project.

“We are extremely sorry for the issues, but all internet will be offline for just about half a day,” said Goldsmith. “This includes tablets, cell phones, computers, smart watches – literally anything that connects to the internet will not be able to connect for approximately 12 hours on April 2nd. We apologize for the inconvenience, but this will not happen again until the year 2050.”

Samsung Plans To Finally Purchase Rival Apple; Cost $180B

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Samsung, the leading manufacturer for smartphones in the U.S., has reportedly placed a bid to purchase Apple, Inc., their main competitor in the tablet and cell phone market.

“It is true we’ve discussed buy-out options with Apple board members and some major shareholders,” said Boo-Keun Yoon, CEO of Samsung. “At this time, the talks are just that, and no actual considerations have been made.”

Samsung and Apple have had a tense relationship over the years, as each company has taken the other to court over numerous patent infringements. At the same time, Samsung had, until recently, been making many of the internal components for some of Apple’s biggest product lines, including hard drives for the Apple Macbooks, and screens and other internal hardware in iPads and iPods.

Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, says that a buy-out from their main competitor could be a major boost to the company.

“Financially speaking, we don’t need their money,” said Cook. “But from a design and innovation standpoint, any influx of ideas would be great for us. Since we stole the idea for the tablet and created the iPad all those years ago, we’ve yet to introduce anything of major substance. Our product lines are stagnant, and there hasn’t been a significant design change to our flagship product, the iPhone, for years. Samsung’s design team would be a big help in innovating our product lines.”

Samsung products, which run almost exclusively on the Android operating system, have recently surpassed sales of the Apple iPhone, making them the number-one smartphone manufacturer in the world.

“With our great lineup of tablets and phones, which can be purchased at a fraction of the cost of the iPhone, we have no idea why anyone would continue to choose Apple. Apparently, the market finally agrees with us,” said Yoon. “Yes, if you want a computer, the Apple lineup is the only way to go. But when it comes to phones and tablets, our products can do everything that the Apple products can – but faster, better, and with more customization and app options. If we are able to purchase Apple, and that’s a big if at this point, then we will use our knowledge of the marketplace, and explain to them what people really want out of their devices.”

The proposed buyout would cost Samsung a reported $180 billion dollars in cash and stock options.

Scientists Discover Ability To Charge Cell Phones With Static Electricity

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

In news that will revolutionize the smartphone industry, scientists have discovered a method of charging digital devices using static electricity. Technology news outlet, Wired, detailed the development on Monday afternoon. According to their report, charging your cell phone will require nothing more than a charger and the sweater your grandmother knitted for Christmas.

“Everyone knows how static electricity works, because we all learned the balloon trick and the one with the ruler and paper,” chief techno geek, Rob Fordburg wrote. “Many laymen have questioned why cell phones can’t be charged with the same source of electricity. Now we know the ability has been there all along.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy explained how and why the method works.

“When you rub a balloon against your sweater, amazing things happen!” he shouted at the wrong cameraman. “It’s fantastic. Bombastic. It sticks to your sweater. And that energy can be harnessed for our cell phones. Twitter, Facebook, ESPN, all powered by the simplicity of a balloon.”

“And don’t forget the sweater,” his child assistant interjected.

Apple have moved swiftly, however, to dampen the hopes of this cheap and portable method of charging.

“All sweaters used to charge iPhones or iPads must be purchased from a licensed Apple retailer,” said CEO Tim Cook. “If we ascertain that a non-Apple sweater has been used, the warranty will be voided.”

Samsung, on the other hand, have embraced the discovery, saying that static electricity sources are available for free with any handset, and that all it requires is a free app, powered by Google.

Interest in the discovery is expected to dwindle, as soon as people realize how dumb they’ll look with their smartphones plugged into their knitted sweaters.

Apple Programmer Admits To Stealing Android Code For Use in iPhones

Posted on August 8, 2014 by mike the inkman

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A top Apple programmer sent ripples through the mobile community with the revelation that he has been copying code from a three-year-old version of the Android operating system. Manish Karmic, a twenty eight-year-old developer who has worked for Apple for the past six years, was overheard bragging about his coding ‘ace in the hole’ at a company function by a guest and a member of the media.

Cheryl Smart, a tech blogger for Wired Magazine, was able to capture part of the conversation on her iPhone 5s.

“Honestly, it pissed me off a little bit,” She wrote in her personal blog. “I mean, I just paid eight hundred dollars for this phone because it is trendy, and it ‘just works’, and here is one of the guys who designed it laughing about how he copied obsolete technology from another operating system and passed it off as innovation. Now they are adding more recycled features, like Near Field Communications, and offering different screen sizes, two more things Android has been doing for years.”

Smart claims that she heard Karmic admit to literally copying and pasting thousands of lines of code from a Samsung Galaxy SIII, a phone that the Android community has largely forgotten about.

“And then Apple has the audacity to sue over common sense features like ‘pinch to zoom’ and the general shape of a phone,” Her rant continued.

iPhone users everywhere are jumping to the defense of their favorite device, even after hearing the recording that Smart has uploaded to her blog. They didn’t hesitate to let her know all about it in her comments section.

“Big screens used to be like, so stupid, but they make like, total sense to me now,” stated one guest poster. “And I didn’t get the whole pay-with-your-phone thing before, but now it is like, a total necessity for me.”

“They [Google] think that just because they had something first that it makes them better,” wrote another commenter. “Well, my iPhone is way better. I don’t care about the open source community or removable storage. My phone fits better into my skinny jeans.”

Android owners were quick to jump to the defense of their devices and ridicule the Apple supporters, making sure that none of them escaped unscathed.

“You guys are sheep,” read one retort by user CuddlyMuff. “If Apple released a rotary phone with a shorted-out cord, you’d all be raving about how steampunk it was and how the crackling from the cord shorting out actually improved the quality of your calls.”

One thing is certain, as long as Google keeps innovating, the iPhone is here to stay, thanks to the handy work of geeks like Manish Karmic, who have both a cool eye for copying code and a finger on the pulse of their customers.

“I could code something into iOS that should make them [iPhone users] hate the phone, but they won’t,” Manish can be heard saying on the recording. “I could code in something that would drain their bank accounts, and they would just talk about how much better their lives were with no money. They’ll buy anything. So I just put in whatever, and go to the golf course.”