State Agencies Begin Arresting People On Animal Cruelty Charges For Making Cucumber Cat-Scaring Videos



Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.

PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.

“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”

The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.

“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”

New ‘Google Companion’ Nanochip Tracks Your Baby’s Life, Auto-Posts To Social Media Pages

New 'Google Companion' Nanochip Tracks Your Baby’s Life

GOOGLE, United States – 

Google’s revolutionary advertising platform just made another landmark in advertising history: their newest innovation, called Google Companion.

Google Companion is a nanochip that tracks emotions, memories, new experiences, conversations, and much more. All the information is transmitted to Google and used to personalize your web experience. It is typically injected into newborns, but can be planted in adults, too.

Companion also teamed up with Facebook to seamlessly integrate with your smart phone. The chip, which is 4GLTE compatible, will automatically fill your status update with some relevant information when you open Facebook: your location, what you just did, any recent food or beverages consumed, how you are feeling, and even some basic information about your love life.

“Privacy is a thing of the past,” said Google’s CEO. “We live in an age where that’s really more of a hindrance. The government already spies on all of us, and people overshare as it is – we’re just here to take the stigma away and make use of society’s latest evolution.”

Some early studies of the chip’s capabilities have had stunning results. One impressed mother recounted her latest story for Empire News.

“I brought my little girl to the pediatrician a few days ago, and while the doctor was looking at her I checked my phone. An ad popped up for calamine lotion before the doctor even told me she had chicken pox!”

The United States government provided Google with some additional funding in exchange for access to their database. Officials say this will cut down on crime, cost and abundance of court trials, and provide next-generation national security. When asked about this potentially controversial decision, Google’s CEO responded:

“Like I said earlier, it’s already happening. We’re just making it easier and less shocking. This also gives people control over it when they previously had none. Well, kind of. I mean, not really, but we get to publish more pretty infographics!”

Google Planning to Release Life-Sized Pac-Man onto Streets

Google Planning to Release Life-Sized Pacman onto Streets

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

On April 1st this year, Google turned its online Maps application into a game of Pac-Man, on the very streets of your hometown. But 6 days after April Fool’s, it seems the option is here to stay, and the world’s largest search engine have announced that adding such features to Maps will be an annual tradition. What we can look forward to in 2016, is our streets literally turning into a giant game of Pac-Man.

“There’ll be big yellow Pac-Men gliding along the roads, eating ephemeral pills and running away from ghosts, Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde,” Herman Melpille, the man behind the initiative, said in a press release. “Road users will be able to impact the game by bashing their cars into the soft characters, causing them to change direction and compromising the strength of the ghosts.”

The game is but a small part of a larger process, which will see Google take over 60% of the world’s streets over the next year.

“Google is moving beyond online maps and into the real world. They’ll be digitalizing the earth’s terrain, starting with first world countries but eventually moving on to those still developing,” explained tech website, Slate. “They’ll be revolutionizing not just the way we look at the world, but how life actually works. The Google car will be the beginning, but eventually our streets and buildings will belong to Google.”

Analysts speculate that the release of games such as Pac-Man is an attempt to soften the public towards their slow takeover. The web giants know that humanity can be appeased by offers of free entertainment.

“We’ve seen it in the past,” Martin Scorpese told Empire News. “With their takeover of the internet, came games such as Plants Vs Zombies. Let’s be honest, that’s not great but it caught the public’s imagination. YouTube was a stroke of genius – endless hours of free entertainment to make the fact that Google captures our most embarrassing moments.”

Among other initiatives rumored to be in the pipelines, are Super Mario characters running around the pipelines, plants actually resisting a zombie apocalypse, and a chance to rescue a princess from an evil gorilla atop a tall building.

USPS To Begin Offering E-Mail Services This Summer

USPS To Begin Offering E-Mail Services This Summer


An announcement from the United States Postal Service (USPS), stating that the long-running industry will begin delivering emails this summer, has been greeted with approval and enthusiasm. Pundits say that it’s about time the USPS catches up with the rest of the world, and fans of the public service are overjoyed that it has found a way to stay relevant.

“It’s fantastic that the Postal Service will remain with us for eons to come,” said Martha McConaughey, user of the post for over eight decades. “Frankly, I think the new-fangled email post is far too complicated and unnecessary – after all, we’ve used post for centuries. But it’s being embraced by young generations, and we oldies worried that our favorite means of communication would be discontinued. This way, it remains working with the email post service a sideshow.”

Google chairman, Eric Schmidt, has expressed his effusive acknowledgement of the next chapter in US postal history.

“We have been looking for a new carrier of emails and the USPS is better than we could have imagined,” he wrote in a pop-up note to Gmail users. “The load that Gmail processes is becoming too much for our current contractors to deliver, and we trust that the country’s faithful servant will find a way to deliver emails in the fastest, most efficient way possible.”

There have been other reasons that Google have been looking for a new delivery system. According to, over 2% of emails get delivered to the wrong people, and online vouchers get lost in the post. Sometimes the email will arrive with the voucher having fallen out. Martha McConaughey shared her shock story with us.

“I sent my grandson an email with a voucher for the iTunes for $20. Two months passed without it arriving, and I had to send him a new one! I couldn’t believe the negligence which it was treated with, and Google weren’t sympathetic at all to my concerns. They called young Harry a liar! Can you believe that?”

Google Plans 48-Hour Shutdown Of All Websites In April

Google Plans 48-Hour Shutdown In April

CUPERTINO, California – 

Bad news for users of the internet around the globe. Google has announced that they will implement a 48-hour shutdown in April, which will cause their search engine, YouTube, and several other major websites to go dark, but have left the specific dates of the blackout unknown.

It is not clear how long the plan has been in place, or if anyone within the company knows what the specific details are, but what is certain is that its a thought-out move on the corporation’s part that has been kept a very careful secret.

“What we know is that there are three Google employees who know what the dates are,” said Secret Service agent Mark Luncent. “What we don’t know is whether those three are allowed to fly on a plane together, ride the same bus, or if they have cyanide implanted in a false tooth which they can swallow if anyone gets too close to the truth.”

Technological news source Slashdot have released an op-ed on Google’s announcement, calling it a “mastermind of business strategy.”

“We don’t know why they’re doing it,” read the editorial. “But we know it will cause chaos, riots, and general panic. It will definitely display the disproportionate power Google has over us. And it definitely has us excited.”

However, not all sources are happy to go along with Google’s “whims”. TechCrunch suggested in their own editorial that “[they’re] just doing it to fuck with us. They’re like a child with a magnifying glass, burning ants alive, or like God having sex with our ears while we sleep. It’s for their own sick pleasure, I have no doubt about it. I for one am not going to stand for it. What do they expect me to do? Use Yahoo! search? Or, oh my God – an actual encyclopedia?

Google spokesman Richard Altavista says that there is no reason to panic, and that the downtime is for a “higher purpose,” and will “go by quickly.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be back really fast. So for all the people who use Google search every day, or cruise YouTube videos, or have Android phones, don’t worry – that 48 hours will just zoom on by. Maybe while we’re out, you could have a real conversation with a real human being, or something.”

Google Glass Upgrade Will Let You Read Minds Of Significant Other

Google Glass Upgrade Will Let You Read Minds Of Significant Other


MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

An unprecedented release from the corporate giant Google hit the tech market just before Valentine’s Day. The dot-com behemoth released a new beta software upgrade for Google Glass+ that allows one to read the thoughts of their significant other’s wants and desires.

“The desire center of the brain is relatively easy to read as compared to other segments of the brain,” Explained Dr. Dasa Sengupta of Google’s neuro-tech labs. “When someone wants or desires a particular item that is within proximity, the pleasure center lights up in a particular series of stimulation. The more one desires an item, the more synapse fires occur within the pleasure center. When this happens, the eyes also dilate and the cheeks and lips become slightly flushed. This is the key to the Glass+ program.”

Google Glass+ now has the capability to detect the slightest pigment change in a “familiar face,” which has been noted by the machine through multiple viewings. Once the Glass+ becomes capable of reading the face, it can note minor changes in the pigment, as well as eye dilation.

“This is a fantastic progress for couples,” noted Marketing Director David Gebner. “We felt Valentine’s day was the perfect time to release the product, as many men struggle to know exactly what their significant other wants for the romantic holidays. Google Glass+ will now at least give them a bit of a nudge in the right direction.”

Update: Google quickly pulled the software only two days after the release, as the product was found to cause more harm to relationships than it did help. An official release stated there were, “A multitude of reports citing couples separating, or getting into physical altercations, after the Google Glass+ noted a partner’s interest in a third party. Future updates will remedy the situation.”

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – 

Google+ was recently attacked by a group of hackers who call themselves The GorillaGods, and the site was reportedly down for almost a week. The case is being investigated by internal Google programmers and federal authorities, but reportedly is not considered a “high priority.”

After 7 days one user, Billy Johnson, eventually noticed Google+ was missing. “I logged into my Gmail account, as I normally do every day, but after checking emails, I needed to take a look at Google Maps, so I clicked on the Apps. I accidentally chose Google+ instead of maps, though, and was taken to an empty website with random graffiti-style tags all over it,” said Johnson. “Normally I wouldn’t have bothered doing anything about it, but I couldn’t get back to my emails, nor move forward to the maps. That’s why I informed the Google people. I’d never used Google+ before. Shit, I didn’t even know it existed.”

Programmers from Google brought the website back very quickly after Johnson informed them of the attack. Reportedly, a few clicks were enough to bring the site back.

“As it turned out, the hackers didn’t get deeply into the structure of Google+; Our programmers suspect their aim was attacking another website, but they shut down Google+ by a mistake,” said Google spokesperson Amanda Fuller. “We didn’t even notice ourselves, to be honest. I know I didn’t. I mean, I have a G+ account, but it’s not really useful, since I have Facebook.”

“We still don’t know who attacked Google+,” says Patrick Murphy, one of the federal agents assigned to the investigation. “The main theory claims it was Google that staged the hack in order to make a fuss and gain some popularity, because no one even remembers that Google+ is even a thing. Clearly, if it wasn’t Google, then someone attacked them by accident, because no self-respecting hacker group would bother with such a waste of a website.”

The website is back up and fully-functioning, although at the time of this writing, it still appeared very desolate and unused.

Google Programmers Admit They ‘Don’t Know Celebrities’, Can’t Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia ‘Labuff’

Google Programmers Admit They Don't Know Celebrities, Can't Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia 'Labuff'


MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – 

After sharp-eyed Google users began posting thousands of comments onto the company’s social media pages about a curious result to the search query “How Old Is Marilyn Manson,” Google finally admitted to the fact that they have “no knowledge” of celebrities, and that they don’t care to learn, either.

“Apparently, when searching for information on Marilyn Manson, users were greeted with a picture of Shia LeBuff…Labof. Of the Transformers kid,” said Google programmer Myles Jones. “To be frank, we don’t have the slightest idea who either of those people are, really. I seriously had to Google who Shia Labowf…Shia Lebeef…ugh, whatever – I had to Google him before I was even able to make this response. We at Google work hard to do things right, but pop culture? Celebrities? We just can’t be bothered.”

According to users on Reddit, people searching for information on Marilyn Manson, specifically his birthday, were given an answer by Google with the correct month, day, and year – but with a picture of actor Shia LaBeouf where an image of the ‘Beautiful People’ singer should have been.

“I thought it was a gag or something,” said Reddit user IPFreely69. “I laughed my ass off. Then I posted it to the web as a gag ‘conspiracy’ – Is Marilyn Manson and Shia LeBeouf The Same Person?!, and people jumped all over it, and then all over Google. Now I’m hearing that Google, the biggest search engine and most-trafficked website in the world, doesn’t know a thing about celebrities. So, I’m wondering if they really know a thing about anything. How do I know that any information they get for me is accurate?”

“We strive to make sure that all our user’s searches end with the correct information, or at least lead somewhere where the correct information can be found,” said Jones. “Whether it be searches for cat videos, searches for buying a new big screen TV, or searches for buying a new big set of titties, there’s a lot of really complicated algorithms and programming that goes into a massive search engine. We’re just a group of nerds working our asses off to make the site work. To be honest, should we really know who Shia Labuford…Shia Laroux? Shiaaa…aww, shit. Should we really have to know who Marilyn Manson is?”

Google says that they are working to fix the error made by their software team, and they don’t believe any specific programmer or developer maliciously swapped information or images in their search queries.

Google Redirects Searches For ‘Who Runs The World?’ To Pictures Of Monkeys – Racism, Or Vision of Future?

Google Redirects Searches For 'Who Runs The World?' To Pictures Of Monkeys, Fuelling Speculation of Dystopian Future


SILICON VALLEY, California – 

Does Google know something we don’t? There has been mass panic about a possible Planet Of The Apes future after searches for “who runs the world?” input into the world’s largest search engine has been redirecting users to pictures of monkeys.

The man responsible for unveiling this grim reality, Garrett Johnson, explains how he stumbled upon his findings.

“I was searching for that Beyonce song, ‘Who Runs the World,’ because I hadn’t heard it in a while, and had forgotten the answer. What I found sent me into a bit of a panic – I thought maybe Queen B had been turned into a monkey or some such thing.”

Tech expert Findo Mashwa played down the possibility of monkey domination. “If Google knew about it,” he said, “they’d certainly do something – probably buy the monkeys out for absurd sums of money. I have perfect faith in the company with access to all the important information in my life.”

An unnamed Google exec moved to calm the public, in a statement that was released to the press.

“Speaking on behalf of Google, I apologize profusely for the confusion caused. The answer to who runs the world is certainly not monkeys. However, that is the correct answer to the popular query of who runs the fur trade in Argentina.”

Some were still sceptical, especially once it was revealed that searching for “fur trade+Argentina” brought up pictures of beavers.

“Something doesn’t add up,” said Google user Mark George. “All I know is, if monkeys end up ruling the world, they’d better keep their stinking paws off me. Damn dirty apes.”

Google To Buy Facebook In First $1 Trillion Acquisition

Google To Buy Facebook In First $1 Trillion Acquisition


SILICON VALLEY, California – 

In a move that could spell the end of the online world as we know it, Google has announced plans to purchase Facebook in the first ever trillion-dollar acquisition. The multi-trillion dollar tech giant has long been linked with the social media empire, after its own version, Google Plus, failed to attract the same sort of dedicated users that Facebook has.

“This is exciting news,” said a sweaty, blustering, bespectacled, morbidly obese geek. “The idea of Google taking over the next biggest chunk of the web has previously been vaunted, but I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. I mean, look at me. I spend most of my time on my ass eating bacon off my unwashed body in my mother’s basement. How many more years am I likely to survive? I’m a heart attack weighting [sic] to happen. Pardon the pun, heh heh.”

Others were not so enthusiastic about the rumors.

“I know everyone’s freaked out about the government having all their info, and that’s kinda my fault,” said NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden from somewhere in Russia. “But Google is who we really need to worry about. We willingly give them our life secrets, hoping they’ll keep it for us so that we never lose it. I have no doubt they’re grooming some naive intern to take over the world. Now they’re gonna have Facebook too? Oy vey!”

Mark Zuckerberg earlier denied reports that he was willing to sell his brainchild, even going so far as to change the tagline on the Facebook log-in page to read, “It’s mine and always will be.”

He later changed his stance, however, after Google came back to them with such an outrageous offer.

“Well, I always said that money was not what Facebook was about, despite really only caring about ad revenue, going public, and making me filthy rich,” said Zuckerberg. “Still – it was about people, not money. That said, who would turn down a trillion dollars? A trillion dollars?! Nobody, that’s who. Nobody on the face of the planet would turn down that kind of money. And only Google has the balls to fork it over to get what they want.”

Rumors that the company will change the name of the social media giant from Facebook to Googlebook could not be confirmed.

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