CUPERTINO, California –
Bad news for users of the internet around the globe. Google has announced that they will implement a 48-hour shutdown in April, which will cause their search engine, YouTube, and several other major websites to go dark, but have left the specific dates of the blackout unknown.
It is not clear how long the plan has been in place, or if anyone within the company knows what the specific details are, but what is certain is that its a thought-out move on the corporation’s part that has been kept a very careful secret.
“What we know is that there are three Google employees who know what the dates are,” said Secret Service agent Mark Luncent. “What we don’t know is whether those three are allowed to fly on a plane together, ride the same bus, or if they have cyanide implanted in a false tooth which they can swallow if anyone gets too close to the truth.”
Technological news source Slashdot have released an op-ed on Google’s announcement, calling it a “mastermind of business strategy.”
“We don’t know why they’re doing it,” read the editorial. “But we know it will cause chaos, riots, and general panic. It will definitely display the disproportionate power Google has over us. And it definitely has us excited.”
However, not all sources are happy to go along with Google’s “whims”. TechCrunch suggested in their own editorial that “[they’re] just doing it to fuck with us. They’re like a child with a magnifying glass, burning ants alive, or like God having sex with our ears while we sleep. It’s for their own sick pleasure, I have no doubt about it. I for one am not going to stand for it. What do they expect me to do? Use Yahoo! search? Or, oh my God – an actual encyclopedia?”
Google spokesman Richard Altavista says that there is no reason to panic, and that the downtime is for a “higher purpose,” and will “go by quickly.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll be back really fast. So for all the people who use Google search every day, or cruise YouTube videos, or have Android phones, don’t worry – that 48 hours will just zoom on by. Maybe while we’re out, you could have a real conversation with a real human being, or something.”