FCC Announces Closure; ‘People Don’t Need To Be Parented Anymore’

FCC Announces Closure; 'People Don't Need To Be Parented Anymore'


The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) today shocked the American public by announcing its official closure. The reason, the regulatory agency said, is that they feel people no longer need to be “parented”. By June 2015, all departments within the commission will be shut down, ending over 80 years of public service.

Speculators believe that controversy over their recent net neutrality ruling has led to discontent within the agency, and a drastic drop in their faith in the direction the USA may be taking.

“Let’s be honest, Americans need someone to look after them. Now more than ever,” said analyst Roger Reed. “That being said, who wants to be in that unenviable role. When private companies are trying to take over the internet, and it’s all the FCC can do to stop them, it gets pretty depressing.”

The FCC’s commitment to net neutrality comes in response to fears that wealthy corporations will be able to use the internet to push their own needs to the top of the agenda, compromising the freedom of expression and equal ability to share that the current age has started to offer. And, indeed, it does seem that members of the FCC are irked about the uber-rich’s hunger for power over it.

“Those greedy motherfuckers,” one member was overheard saying. “They want our money, they want our jobs, and now they want our internet. Can you imagine where Grumpy Cat would be without net neutrality? No money hungry corporation would come up with that sort of genius.”

However, the FCC are sticking to their guns, insisting that America simply doesn’t need them any more.

“People are doing fine,” an official statement read. “They no longer need to be protected from themselves. Let them do what they want with their so-called ‘communications’. Let them treat the internet as a big wankfest for the 1%. I, I mean we, don’t care. I mean, we care, but we no longer need to. And that is all. Goodnight everybody.”

Google Plans 48-Hour Shutdown Of All Websites In April

Google Plans 48-Hour Shutdown In April

CUPERTINO, California – 

Bad news for users of the internet around the globe. Google has announced that they will implement a 48-hour shutdown in April, which will cause their search engine, YouTube, and several other major websites to go dark, but have left the specific dates of the blackout unknown.

It is not clear how long the plan has been in place, or if anyone within the company knows what the specific details are, but what is certain is that its a thought-out move on the corporation’s part that has been kept a very careful secret.

“What we know is that there are three Google employees who know what the dates are,” said Secret Service agent Mark Luncent. “What we don’t know is whether those three are allowed to fly on a plane together, ride the same bus, or if they have cyanide implanted in a false tooth which they can swallow if anyone gets too close to the truth.”

Technological news source Slashdot have released an op-ed on Google’s announcement, calling it a “mastermind of business strategy.”

“We don’t know why they’re doing it,” read the editorial. “But we know it will cause chaos, riots, and general panic. It will definitely display the disproportionate power Google has over us. And it definitely has us excited.”

However, not all sources are happy to go along with Google’s “whims”. TechCrunch suggested in their own editorial that “[they’re] just doing it to fuck with us. They’re like a child with a magnifying glass, burning ants alive, or like God having sex with our ears while we sleep. It’s for their own sick pleasure, I have no doubt about it. I for one am not going to stand for it. What do they expect me to do? Use Yahoo! search? Or, oh my God – an actual encyclopedia?

Google spokesman Richard Altavista says that there is no reason to panic, and that the downtime is for a “higher purpose,” and will “go by quickly.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be back really fast. So for all the people who use Google search every day, or cruise YouTube videos, or have Android phones, don’t worry – that 48 hours will just zoom on by. Maybe while we’re out, you could have a real conversation with a real human being, or something.”

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