FCC Announces Closure; ‘People Don’t Need To Be Parented Anymore’

FCC Announces Closure; 'People Don't Need To Be Parented Anymore'


The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) today shocked the American public by announcing its official closure. The reason, the regulatory agency said, is that they feel people no longer need to be “parented”. By June 2015, all departments within the commission will be shut down, ending over 80 years of public service.

Speculators believe that controversy over their recent net neutrality ruling has led to discontent within the agency, and a drastic drop in their faith in the direction the USA may be taking.

“Let’s be honest, Americans need someone to look after them. Now more than ever,” said analyst Roger Reed. “That being said, who wants to be in that unenviable role. When private companies are trying to take over the internet, and it’s all the FCC can do to stop them, it gets pretty depressing.”

The FCC’s commitment to net neutrality comes in response to fears that wealthy corporations will be able to use the internet to push their own needs to the top of the agenda, compromising the freedom of expression and equal ability to share that the current age has started to offer. And, indeed, it does seem that members of the FCC are irked about the uber-rich’s hunger for power over it.

“Those greedy motherfuckers,” one member was overheard saying. “They want our money, they want our jobs, and now they want our internet. Can you imagine where Grumpy Cat would be without net neutrality? No money hungry corporation would come up with that sort of genius.”

However, the FCC are sticking to their guns, insisting that America simply doesn’t need them any more.

“People are doing fine,” an official statement read. “They no longer need to be protected from themselves. Let them do what they want with their so-called ‘communications’. Let them treat the internet as a big wankfest for the 1%. I, I mean we, don’t care. I mean, we care, but we no longer need to. And that is all. Goodnight everybody.”

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