FCC Announces Closure; ‘People Don’t Need To Be Parented Anymore’

FCC Announces Closure; 'People Don't Need To Be Parented Anymore'


The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) today shocked the American public by announcing its official closure. The reason, the regulatory agency said, is that they feel people no longer need to be “parented”. By June 2015, all departments within the commission will be shut down, ending over 80 years of public service.

Speculators believe that controversy over their recent net neutrality ruling has led to discontent within the agency, and a drastic drop in their faith in the direction the USA may be taking.

“Let’s be honest, Americans need someone to look after them. Now more than ever,” said analyst Roger Reed. “That being said, who wants to be in that unenviable role. When private companies are trying to take over the internet, and it’s all the FCC can do to stop them, it gets pretty depressing.”

The FCC’s commitment to net neutrality comes in response to fears that wealthy corporations will be able to use the internet to push their own needs to the top of the agenda, compromising the freedom of expression and equal ability to share that the current age has started to offer. And, indeed, it does seem that members of the FCC are irked about the uber-rich’s hunger for power over it.

“Those greedy motherfuckers,” one member was overheard saying. “They want our money, they want our jobs, and now they want our internet. Can you imagine where Grumpy Cat would be without net neutrality? No money hungry corporation would come up with that sort of genius.”

However, the FCC are sticking to their guns, insisting that America simply doesn’t need them any more.

“People are doing fine,” an official statement read. “They no longer need to be protected from themselves. Let them do what they want with their so-called ‘communications’. Let them treat the internet as a big wankfest for the 1%. I, I mean we, don’t care. I mean, we care, but we no longer need to. And that is all. Goodnight everybody.”

Small, Gated Texas Community To End ‘Pizza Delivery Neutrality’

Small, Gated Texas Community Threatens to End 'Pizza Delivery Neutrality'


HOUSTON, Texas – 

The neighborhood of Comcast Trails near Houston, Texas has announced the adoption of  an unusual new revenue scheme. They are calling it the Express Pizza Service, and it has some residents at odds as to whether it is good for anyone who lives there.

Empire News spoke to local man Dan Howard, who explained how the small community plans to make money using dedicated gates and lanes for each local pizza eatery.

“Before we began this process, I could order a pizza from Papa Johns, Domino’s, Double Dave’s, or any other small pizza delivery place, and they would all get there around the same time, because they use the same roads, same entrance to the neighborhood, and the same traffic lights,” Howard explained. “This concept is commonly referred to as  ‘pizza delivery neutrality.’ However, my neighborhood wanted to become a gated community, so we requested bids from all the local pizza restaurants, and have reached a deal with Papa John’s to allow their drivers exclusive access to a special, new, faster entrance to the neighborhood. Domino’s drivers will have to pass through a different gate, slowing them slightly, but still allowing faster pizza delivery speeds than Double Dave’s, or any of the other local places, who will have to park their car outside of the neighborhood and carry the pizza into Comcast Trails community on foot.”

“We are very thrilled to be able to use the express lane to deliver to Comcast Trails community,” said Papa John’s spokesman Arnold Jones. “The folks in Comcast Trails are some of the fattest people in the country, and they eat more pizza per-household than anywhere else in the United States. Being able to get to them faster means they’re more likely to order from us than any other local establishment.”

Double Dave’s and other mom-and-pop pizza restaurants say it’s “completely unfair” that they are forced to walk into Comcast Trails when others get to use the fast lane.

“We can’t afford to pay the kind of money that Domino’s or Papa John’s can pay, leaving us in the dust,” said Double Dave’s spokesman Charles DeMar. “Basically, when someone orders from us in Comcast Trails, we’re going to have to really haul ass to make it to their house. It’s about a quarter of a mile from the gate to the closest house, so we’re expecting to be hiring a lot of very fit, young athletes to be delivery drivers from here on out.”

At press time, UPS and Federal Express were also engaged in a bidding war over exclusive access to the newly-proposed Express Delivery gates.

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