FCC Announces Closure; ‘People Don’t Need To Be Parented Anymore’

FCC Announces Closure; 'People Don't Need To Be Parented Anymore'


The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) today shocked the American public by announcing its official closure. The reason, the regulatory agency said, is that they feel people no longer need to be “parented”. By June 2015, all departments within the commission will be shut down, ending over 80 years of public service.

Speculators believe that controversy over their recent net neutrality ruling has led to discontent within the agency, and a drastic drop in their faith in the direction the USA may be taking.

“Let’s be honest, Americans need someone to look after them. Now more than ever,” said analyst Roger Reed. “That being said, who wants to be in that unenviable role. When private companies are trying to take over the internet, and it’s all the FCC can do to stop them, it gets pretty depressing.”

The FCC’s commitment to net neutrality comes in response to fears that wealthy corporations will be able to use the internet to push their own needs to the top of the agenda, compromising the freedom of expression and equal ability to share that the current age has started to offer. And, indeed, it does seem that members of the FCC are irked about the uber-rich’s hunger for power over it.

“Those greedy motherfuckers,” one member was overheard saying. “They want our money, they want our jobs, and now they want our internet. Can you imagine where Grumpy Cat would be without net neutrality? No money hungry corporation would come up with that sort of genius.”

However, the FCC are sticking to their guns, insisting that America simply doesn’t need them any more.

“People are doing fine,” an official statement read. “They no longer need to be protected from themselves. Let them do what they want with their so-called ‘communications’. Let them treat the internet as a big wankfest for the 1%. I, I mean we, don’t care. I mean, we care, but we no longer need to. And that is all. Goodnight everybody.”

Federal Lawmakers Look To Abolish Public Sex Offender Registry In U.S.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Lawmakers Look To Abolish Public Sex Offender Registry In US Empire News

In some unsettling news out of the nation’s capital this morning, legislators are looking into the possibility of completely abolishing the public sex offender registry, and giving access to the private information of convicted sex offenders only to law enforcement personnel.

“The United States is the only country in the world with a publicly available sex offender list.” Said Representative Chuck Sharpe (D), of Ohio, who is leading the charge against the ‘right to know’ policy on sex offenders. “Ireland, Australia, New Zealand – even Canada – they all have registries that are only available to law enforcement. These people, most have done their time, and they deserve some privacy as well.”

Sharpe says that one of his family members was convicted of molesting a young girl, and was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Upon his release, he was quoted as saying that it’s been “a nightmare to find work or rent an apartment.”

“My Uncle Joe is a good man. A lot of these sex offenders are good people. They just have different sexual needs, you know?” Said Sharpe. “Personally, I enjoy sex with cans of cat food. It doesn’t make me a bad person, does it? I am okay with telling the world about my intercourse with Friskies, but that doesn’t mean I want to be put on a list somewhere for it, either.”

Many parents groups were outraged by the thought of not being able to check their smartphone apps to see who lived nearby that might want to bring their child on a candy-filled ride in a windowless van.

“Every day after I check the news, the first thing I do is open up the Safe Neighborhood app on my phone, and look to make sure no new perverts have moved into my area.” Said Maureen Nicholson, a mother of two young girls in Albany, New Hampshire. “Thankfully, our town is small, and I pretty much know all the sickos by sight. If there was no registry, though,  how would I know who all the sick bastards are that want to have their way with my kids?”

Not surprisingly, the only people who seem to be really excited about the possibility of no longer having to make their presence known every time they move to a new area are the actual convicted-offenders themselves.

“I was released 5 years ago after doing 2 years for sexual assault.” Said Leanaí Diddler, a registered sex offender. “Since then, I’ve had to always tell everyone who I was whenever I got to a new town. I might as well be forced to wear a scarlet P for pedophile on my jacket, that’s how bad it is. The Pedobear tattoo I got in prison probably isn’t helping me out, but this could potentially change my life. I deserve to be treated like all the non-child-touchers out there!”

Although faced with a tough battle to have the laws changed, Sharpe thinks they will be successful thanks to backing by public-interest groups, as well as everyday citizens who see the need for privacy in these matters.

“I talked to a kid the other day,” Said Sharpe. “He’s a registered sex offender at 20 years old. He just got out after doing 3 years for having sex with his 16 year old girlfriend while he was 17, which is illegal in his home state of New Mexico. It wasn’t rape. It wasn’t even non-consenual. He just slept with the wrong angry bitch, who lied to her parents and police after he left her for another girl, a cute redhead in his English class. Now, don’t you think he deserves another chance?”

Lawmakers have said that this option of hiding the identities of sex offenders was preferable to their other options, which included forehead brands that said “SICKO,” or violent, total castration.

“We were really tempted to just cut off the balls of every single sex offender that was out there.” Said Representative Carl Hardy (D) of Georgia. “Upon considering our options, we figured that this would be a much better option for anyone involved. Where would we even put all those testicles, anyway?”


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