Kansas Fetus Hoping Abortion Legalized Before It Reaches Third Trimester


KANSAS CITY, Missouri – 

A Kansas City fetus is optimistic that the state will legalize 2nd trimester abortion before it reaches its 3rd trimester. Kansas currently outlaws the dilation and evacuation (d & c) procedure necessary to abort a pregnancy in the stages in which the fetus is already developed. But there is no indication that changes to the law will come into effect within the next three months.

“Look, being born would not be the worst thing that could happen,” the not-yet-alive being told reporters. “Well, actually it is. Born becomes infant, becomes being who feels immense physical and emotional pain. I don’t wanna go through it. And I don’t have to!”

The fetus’s mother says she is a law-abiding citizen and, although she does not want this baby, she will go through with it if she can find no legal way out, and raise it as her own – which it technically is.

“I’ll have the little bugger. I can take care of it. Yes, I won’t be the most attentive mother, and it’ll grow up maladapted, but what can ya do?”

The ‘little bugger’ asserted that its plan b is to convince its mother to commit the crime so that “I don’t have to do the time. It’s not fair! It’s just not fair! I’m going to campaign, and get other fetuses on my side, and start a petition even. I’m doing everything I can to stop my life from happening.”

Pro-choice activists have been swift to join the fetus’s cause, hoping that this will serve as an example for further legislation.

“It’s usually the mothers who we’re working with, even though we’re doing what we do for those poor unborn babies. Now we have the true victim with us, we know we can win this one.”

Kansas legislators, however, show no signs of backing down. They say that, because the fetus is not yet legally an adult, its opinion does not count, and that “if we give it this, we’re eventually gonna have to let them vote.”

France Bans Skinny Dog Models in All TV, Print Ads


PARIS, France – 

Following a ban on fashion models who are considered “too skinny”, France has continued to lead the way in body acceptance by announcing a ban on skinny dog food models. It is yet another attempt to convince dogs that skinny is not always better, and alert them of the dangers of being too thin. The SPCA have commended the French parliament, and asserted their belief that measures such as these will help to curb the spate of dog anorexia.

“Far too often we have dogs sent to us malnourished,” said chairman of the French SPCA, Victor Houliston. “And so many more come to us with diseases related to food deprivation. It’s time to stop this from happening, and banning skinny models is a great start.”

But dog modelling agencies, who face fines of up to $75 000 or 6 months jail time if they do not comply, have hit back, saying that this will further alienate skinny dogs, rather than helping them.

“At the moment, people are biased against fat dogs, but soon it will be the skinny ones who are without homes,” said Albert Camus, founder of The Dog Agency. “You’ll walk through those corridors at the homes for neglected dogs, and see puppies with barely anything more than skin and bones, and no one will want to take them. It’s totally counterproductive and bound to fail.”

Houliston responded that Camus’s rationale is manipulative, and that it “just doesn’t work that way.”

“Camus is admitting that there is a problem – that this is just not the way to solve it. But that works against him, because his agency is taking advantage of that problem. That is all we are trying to change. Anorexia is spreading like wildfire, and we are already seeing skinny dogs being kicked out of their homes. Our policy is not what is causing that.”

At press time, the French parliament had approved an amendment to the law, which will ensure that all skinny dogs out of employment will be compensated and supported until they can find new work.

BREAKING: Fidel Castro No Longer Cuban President



Startling news came through this morning that Fidel Castro is no longer Cuba’s dictator. American intelligence made the revelation that Castro stepped down from the “presidency” in 2008, and the country has secretly been ruled by his brother Raúl since then. Even meetings between the two countries have primarily taken place between Barack Obama and Raúl Castro. This shocking news is set to rock international relations, especially in the region.

“Our sources are foolproof, and we have confirmed what until now no one suspected,” an intelligence agent told Empire News, on condition of anonymity. “During a routine Wikipedia scouring, we found the information hidden among reams of text detailing the political careers of both Fidel and Raúl. We immediately reported to the Office of the President, the CIA, Interpol, and the UN.”

Fidel Castro has been a thorn in America’s side for decades, and Raúl’s transition to presidency may be a good thing for the US.

“As we speak, information about Raúl Castro is being uncovered at a remarkable pace,” the source continued. “Wikipedia contains tons of information on the current Cuban president, which you’ll find if you know to look in the right places. It’s just incredible stuff that’s coming through. We just need to find citations for some of the info, and we can move forward from there.”

Who is Raúl Castro?

Raúl Castro served as a commander in the Cuban Revolution. He has had a long political career, culminating in his taking over of the presidency in 2008. The 83 year old is expected to serve as president of the country until 2018, barring any further spectacular developments as we have seen today.

Fox News: Majority of Americans Support Legalization of Marijuana Dealers



For the first time, the Fox News poll found that the majority of Americans support legalization of recreational marijuana dealers. As recently as 2013, more voters were opposed than in favor, but this year’s results show a continuing shift towards acceptance of marijuana dealers in everyday life. Arguments suggesting that the relatively mild marijuana dealers are a gateway to more dangerous dealers are no longer convincing as many Americans as in the past, as more and more often, the previously maligned community is proving itself safe.

“There are those who say that pot dealers are dangerous, that they cause people to make bad decisions,” said one participant in an anonymous comments section. “But I’ve been using them for years, and they’ve never led me to dealers of hard drugs.”

Others made the comparison with the long-legal alcohol dealers, otherwise known as bartenders.

“The alcohol dealer at my local bar has caused me far more problems than any pot dealer,” said another participant. “He’s readily available and great at convincing me to do things I shouldn’t. Also, he’s been in prison for assault, while my pot dealer would never hurt a fly.”

More participants went on to talk about the mild nature of marijuana dealers.

“They’re so mellow. Most of the time they’re not gonna force you into doing anything. Alcohol dealers always force me to doing things I wouldn’t have done not under their influecne.”

One pot dealer user pointed out that the dealers he uses often make him think of insights he’d never considered.

“I’ll be sitting in a circle, with my dealer, and he’ll say someting like deep like, or point out tings in nature I’d never seen, and I’ll be like, woah, that’s deep man. I never have woah moments when I’m not using marijuana dealers.”

Anti-Semitism Blamed For Jewish Teen’s Failure to Graduate


GARDEN GATE, Illinois – 

The failure of eighteen year old Moshe Rabinowitz to graduate from St Peter’s High School has been attributed to anti-Semitism within the school. Rabinowitz has attended the Catholic High since 2nd grade, and had no problems thus far, but teachers this week revealed to his parents that he is failing in his final year, and will not be able to improve in time for final exams. The disappointed student, who expects to become a doctor, told reporters that he felt let down by the school.

“I didn’t realize that they hated Jews, but I guess my rabbis always told me to watch out for latent anti-Semitism,” Rabinowitz said. “I mean, in Germany in the 30s, Jews thought they were welcome, and then look what happened. So it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise to learn that everyone there was setting me up for failure all along.”

The Anti-Defamation League (ADL), a Jewish organization aimed primarily at fighting anti-Semitism, spoke out strongly against St Peter’s, and threatened to take legal action if the school did not alter their decision.

“It is very regrettable that it’s come to this,” Abraham Foxman, head of the ADL, wrote in an open letter to the school’s board. “We do everything we can to ensure that our people are protected against this kind of discrimination. Sometimes we feel comfortable, but incidents such as this one are sad reminders that everyone hates us.”

Foxman was referencing a poll that the ADL conducted which they said indicated that over a quarter of the world’s population is anti-Semitic. The poll was largely disregarded by the world at large, which in turn was blamed on anti-Semitism.

Rabinowitz’s parents told the ADL that they were made to feel uncomfortable for practicing their religion.

“They called us in, singled us out,” said Mrs Rabinowitz. “I for one couldn’t let down my guard, with them telling me that my boy wasn’t good enough for them. You’d think in the twenty first century things would be different, but it seems no one is learning.”

Male Prisoners Undergoing Sex Change to Escape to Female Sanctuary


Male Prisoners Undergoing Sex Change to Escape to Female SanctuaryWASHINGTON, D.C. – 

When espionage convict Bradley Manning became Chelsea Manning, it made headlines in all the major news outlets. Of course, the cause of the biggest leak of confidential documents transitioning into a woman was a human interest story, especially because it seemed so rare. But it turns out that many male prisoners have now latched onto the process as an excuse to escape the dangerous confines of their own prisons into the supposedly friendlier halls of a female penitentiary.

“There is a growing trend of male criminals undergoing hormone treatment and sex change operations, and anonymous surveys show that they’re doing it as a way out,” said expert on prisoner psychology, Jason Brent. “It totally undermines those who are really women inside, and sincerely want to be true to themselves. And it shows that our prison system is not doing its duty by showing [female prison drama] Orange is the New Black.

Male prisoners appear to believe that female prisons are all about sleepovers and pillow fights.

“I’m totally over the knife fights. I want something more soft and friendly,” John Huewy, a convicted murderer, told reporters. “I’m so excited to go there, make new besties, and play dress up.”

Prison warders say that they are relieved that the less aggressive prisoners are leaving the ‘real men’ to fight like they’re supposed to.

“The pushovers are such a drag,” said one. “We like to see fights to the death, not someone lie down and take what is given with no struggle at all.”

But female wardens and prisoners are not happy about the flux.

“We don’t want those men fucking with the system,” Hillary Hardy of Massachusetts State Penitentiary said. “It’s unfair to all of us, prisoners and staff. Plus, our chicks are badass. They’s gonna beat those male sissy motherfuckers into shit.”

Dogs Campaigning for Right to Marry Humans; Say if Gays Can do it, Why Can’t They?



In an unexpected playing out of the straw man argument that conservatives use against gay rights, a local dogs’ group has started a campaign for the legalization of human-dog marriages. Their main argument is, if gays can do it, why can’t we? The number of canines interested in interspecies – or any type of – marriage is reportedly small, but they are resolved to be vocal in bringing their cause to public attention.

“Once gay marriage became legal in many states, the whole idea of what a marriage should be was permanently altered,” said Timothy Kruger, the dog at the head of the campaign. “Since it’s no longer defined as the joining of a man and a woman, who’s to say at what point we should stop. A man should be allowed to marry his dog.”

Resistance from conservative groups has been swift and strong, as expected. They have also, predictably, said “I told you so” with smug looks on their faces, before decrying the acceptance of dogs, gays and liberals in modern society.

“What is our world coming to, when the idea of dog marriage is seriously entertained?” asked Senator Ted Cruz. “We knew all along that this would happen – that our society would crumble before our eyes – but those on the left always think they know better.”

Human marriage equality groups have been mixed in their responses, with the majority against the legalization of human-dog marriage, but some fringe organizations actively supporting it.

“I don’t think dogs should be discriminated against, but the problem is that this comes too soon,” said head of LGBTI group, Gay For Life, Samuel Martin. “It gives the Republicans a leg to stand on which, quite frankly, they don’t need. We need a few more decades for the normalization of gay marriage, before we can start thinking about more liberal measures.”

Roger Hess, a member of the same group, however, disagreed strongly.

“It will harm our cause, there’s no doubt about that,” he said. “But that’s no reason to allow blatant discrimination to go on. We need to stand up for progressive values, no matter how hard it might be.”

Artist Paints Penises Around Homeless People to Get Them Noticed And ‘Fixed’

Artist Paints Penises Around Homeless People to Get Them Noticed And Fixed

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Earlier this week, a British graffiti artist made headlines when he started drawing penises around potholes to force the municipal authorities’ hand in getting them fixed. The Manchester resident, who calls himself “Wanksy” after the famed artist named “Banksy”, explained that a pothole that had been left open for 8 months was filled within 48 hours of having the penis chalked around it. Now, a copycat artist is drawing penises around homeless people in New York.

Spanksy, the latest dick-pic vigilante is campaigning for the government to fix the homeless, many of whom have been there for years.

“It’s an important cause. These people are lying broken in our streets, waiting to be repaired, and the government does nothing,” said the mysterious Spanksy over the phone to a journalist from the New York Times. “I’m hoping now that they’re being made into works of penis art, the homeless will be fixed in record time.”

And Spanksy’s campaign seems to be working. At least 3 homeless men have been seen to in the 24 hours that he’s been vandalising the streets around them.

“There’s a particular alleyway off 49th Street which is home to a large amount of bums,” said social activist Martin Jenkins. “That area has been hit hard by Spanksy, using those bums to make crude penis drawings. Wow, there’s actually a certain poetry, a symmetry, in that.”

The anonymous artist says he’s going nowhere until all the homeless in New York are fixed.

“It’s a hazardous world out here. Walking along the pavements, it’s easy to scuff your foot into a tramp and trip and hurt yourself. They’re all along the major walkways, and there’s nothing being done about them. I’m out to make a difference. Like the potholes in Manchester, the homeless in New York will soon be filled.”

Royal Baby Princess Charlotte Plotting Death Of Those First in Line for the Throne

Royal Baby Princess Charlotte Plotting Death Of Those First in Line for the Throne

LONDON, England – 

The Royal Baby was finally born days after the original due date, and she is already plotting the death of those first in line for the throne. Prince William and Duchess Kate’s second child is fourth in line, behind her grandfather, father, and brother, and she reportedly will not leave her ascension to the crown to chance.

“She’s a real darling, and has been born with all the classic aspects of royalty,” said royal analyst Priscilla Hendler. “She’s ready to lead a life devoid of all meaning and commitment to a monarchy with no power, and she’s ready to shed blood to lead that monarchy.”

The princess is expected to kill all of her competitors by the time she reaches age twelve, when she will be of age to take the throne.

Bookmakers have been scrambling to decide on odds of who will be killed first. Prince George, the little princess’s brother, is odds on at 2:1, being the closest in proximity and easiest to play off as an accident. Next up is Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, the princess’s father at 5:2. Charles, Prince of Wales, is next up at 33:4, since he is expected to forgo the crown in any event, and he’ll probably be senile by then anyway. Queen Elizabeth is at 2000:1 – she is expected to die within the next 12 years, even though she seems intent on living forever.

The princess’s mother, Kate Middleton, is expected to be kept around because “as the queen mother she may be able to provide valuable insight from having lived the life of a commoner.”

FOX News Announces Merger With Comedy Central

FOX News Announces Merger With Comedy Central

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Fox News has announced a shock merger with Comedy Central, saying that the comedy channel gets most of their laughs out of Fox anyway. For years, Jon Stewart’s Daily Show has been using gaffes from the right-wing news outlet as satire, and many of the sitcoms also get their ridiculous situations from real events which have happened on the Fox News set, leading to them being considered Comedy Central’s “feeder” channel.

“We are very pleased that this partnership will finally be made official,” Fox News CEO Roger Ailes wrote in a press release. “There’s been a lot of speculation over the years, and a lot of hurt feelings when our channels have been at odds – especially when Comedy Central has not credited our reporters for their content. Now those differences can finally be put to rest.”

Jon Stewart, who has based much of his show on blasting Fox News’s biased coverage, has responded to the news by expressing his disappointed that this is only happening now that he is leaving.

“I have had some fun times working with the clowns from Fox News,” he said soberly on his Daily Show. “Many of the best episodes involved in-house interviews with characters like Bill O’Reilly. I feel I’ve really missed out.”

Doug Herzog, the president of Viacom Media Networks who own Comedy Central, expressed his delight at the long-awaited merger.

“It’s been a dream of ours for many years,” he said. “Operations will be much smoother now that our biggest allies are openly working on our side. Both Fox News and Comedy Central will maintain a level of separateness, but now fake news such as The Daily Show will be part of the Fox News branch, and Fox and Friends, which doesn’t even pretend to be news, will be part of the Comedy Central branch.”

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