Dr. Oz Forced to Undergo All His Miracle Treatments

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Television personality Dr Oz has come under fire over the years for constantly touting what he calls “miracle treatments” which have no scientific backing. The debate over his legitimacy has heated up recently, with many saying he is a fraud who advertises products under the guise of medical advice, betraying the trust of those who trust him with their health choices. Now activists have found an innovative way to test his commitment, with their insistence that he publicly tries a course of all of those so-called miracle treatments.

“He’s agreed to do it, but with a lot of reluctance,” said nurse and sceptic, Perennial Lopez. “I think he’s frantically trying to find a way out of this, because he knows what’s about to happen to his health and reputation.”

A list of some of the possibly bogus health claims he has made include miracle weight loss supplements, communicating with the dead, harnessing energy to face risky surgeries, homeopathic flu remedies, and brushing teeth with soda and baking powder.

Although these products and methods are unlikely to do Dr Oz any real damage on their own, together we may see the controversial figure fighting for his sanity, if not his physical health.

“He’ll be undergoing surgery, so that we can see if harnessing energy really helps,” said Lopez. “We’re going to give him the latest strain of flu, and make him take that homeopathic bullshit. Then, he’s gonna try lose weight.”

Dr Oz could not be reached for comment, but his spokesperson says that he “is not concerned at all. Mehmet [Oz] is a trustworthy individual who would never promote anything unsafe or ineffective. Well, ineffective maybe, but definitely not unsafe. Definitely. Some products which have been deemed unsafe were never really marketed by him in the first place. He just told the public about them so that they could make up their own minds.”

Dalai Lama Considering Early Reincarnation; Just Wants to be a Kid Again

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TIBET –

The 14th Dalai Lama has told followers that he is considering early reincarnation. His motivation, he says, is that he just wants to be a kid again. He looked back fondly on his early days before he was identified as the successor to the 13th Dalai Lama.

“I was just over two when they came for me, and I know they say that you don’t remember anything before the age of three, but technically I’m way older,” he said. “It’s hard to be a Lama, especially one of the Dalai kind, and the idyllic days of lazing in the grass, with sand tickling my naked bottom – it’s hard to recapture them. When I do that now, I have to pretend it’s for spiritual reasons.”

Mr Lama also spoke about his tense relations with China, due to his former alliance with the Tibetan Liberation Movement.

“I want to be friends with them, not enemies. And it makes me sad that they stop me being friends with other autonomous nations.”

The Dalai Lama has been refused entry into South Africa on numerous occasions, as they do not want to compromise relations with China.

“I wanted to visit my old friend, [Archbishop] Desmond Tutu. But they wouldn’t let me go to his birthday bash. Has anyone ever stopped a toddler from attending birthday parties because of international relations concerns? No. Here’s to being a baby.”

Revealed: Pepsi Actually Produced by Coca-Cola to Make Themselves ‘Look Good’

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Josh Marcus

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Shocking news emerging from the refreshment industry. Coca Cola has revealed that Pepsi is their own “reinvention,” brought from obscurity in order to make their product look better in comparison. According to Coca Cola Company CEO, Muhtar Kent, the venture was meant to be a short-lived marketing ploy, but surprised executives and investors alike when it gained popularity among portions of the population.

“We created a cheap imitation of our most popular product and used the existing PepsiCo which we had bought as its vehicle,” Kent told a press conference. “It was specifically designed to be palatable, but not nearly as tasty – the sort of drink you only buy because it’s cheaper. But we kept prices relatively equal and, although it succeeded at creating further brand loyalty among our customers, Pepsi gathered its own following. So we kept and expanded it.”

The revelation was made after rumors began circling that Coca Cola was unfairly treating Pepsi, and had stolen recipes along with some of their best inventors. The rumors were false, but had cast a shadow over the integrity of the company. They felt they needed to put them to rest, and end decades long speculation of Coca Cola being the industry bully.

“It’s unfortunate that the facade had to end, because a lot of people rely on both Coca Cola and Pepsi to fulfil that need for beverage preference competition,” Kent continued. “But investors were worried that the inferior product might become more popular by virtue of the bad reputation we were getting, and we didn’t want to be second best to what amounts to liquidized crap.”

Analyst Robbie Martin says that, although the secret is out, brand loyalty will still remain.

“People need to fight about everything. Why compete over soda anyway? It’s not like you made it. So people will still defend the Pepsi brand, even though Coca Cola makes it taste like piss.”

Drake: ‘Nothing Personal About The Kiss, I Just Don’t Like Washed-Up Old Pop Singers’

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIO, California –

Drake caused waves in the celebrity world at Coachella, after he appeared grossed out by a lip kiss from Madonna. The 56-year-old singer stuck her tongue in Drake’s mouth on stage, after which the 28-year-old scrunched up his face in disgust. But the rapper has since apologized, saying that it was nothing personal. His response, instead, was simply because he doesn’t like being kissed by washed up old celebrities twice his age.

“I don’t have anything against Mad[onna]. But being molested by women who want to be young again – that’s not my style,” he told E! Entertainment. “Usually I kiss beautiful young trending celebs. This is just a bit out of my comfort zone.”

Madonna, for her part, took the seeming rejection calmly, saying she was not particularly bothered.

“I don’t care. It’s not like I really on pissies like him for affirmation. What – you think I wanna date someone his age?”

She went on to remind us that some young singers did want to kiss her.

“Britney Spears. She kissed me. She kissed me long and hard. And she loved it. And there have been others. They might not have been publicized, but young people love me.”

Fans of Madonna have come out in support of the aging songstress, posting on Twitter and Instagram that they find her incredibly attractive, never mind that she’s old and washed up.

“Oh my geee-eerd. I leeerve Ma-donner,” said one. “She’s so ke-yurt. I would totally kiss he-er.”

Drake fans, however, defended their idol.

“My man Drake is cool yo,” said 12 year old Martin. “He’s the best, and no mother of Christ can say different. Who even knew Madonna was still alive?”

Drake later released a further statement, saying that he’s open to giving the kiss another go, as long as Madonna fixes that gap in her teeth.

Man Who Ate an Apple a Day Never Went to Doctor, Dies at 27

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

New anecdotal evidence has proved correct the idiom, ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ Paul Slates of Florida, died yesterday never having had to receive medical attention. His parents say that he ate at least one apple every day, and that this had helped him live what may otherwise have been a life filled with illness. Instead, the deceased lived healthily until his death at the age of 27.

“Our Paul was never one to get ill. He made correct decisions in life, and especially when it came to healthy eating,” Paul’s mother, Amelia, told reporters on the scene. “We’re very proud that he had such a strong constitution, and that in all his life he didn’t waver from his commitment to doing what was always for his best.”

Paul’s brother, Roger, confirmed that Paul had followed the idiom to the letter, and that he himself was aspiring to live up to Paul’s example.

“He taught me how to eat, he taught me how to live,” said Roger. “Now I eat an apple every day, sometimes even two, and I never go to the doctor either.”

The Slates’ GP, Dr Jerry Levine, confirmed that Paul had never been to see him.

“In all his 27 years, I never once met Paul. I saw Amelia and [Paul’s father] Henry sometimes five or six times a year, but Paul never came in. It’s a pity he’s dead now, because he could’ve been such a great example to my other patients.”

Initial postmortem results showed traces of cyanide in Paul’s system, which may simply be residue from the minimal amount of the substance found in apple seeds.

Stanford to Offer Free Education to Youths Who Play a Sport Really Well

Posted on April 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

STANFORD, California –

Following its announcement last week that it plans to offer free tuition to students from families earning under $125 000 a year, Stanford University has followed up with a new policy, which will allow students with no educational background to study for free. The one caveat is that they must be capable of playing a sport really really well. When implemented, the elite institution will be the first to have a program of this kind.

“It is our belief that students who play a sport really really well deserve to be educated at a university level,” Don Harbinger, Dean of the Stanford School of Athletics, told prospective students. “Although they may not have completed high school, perhaps not even grade school, everyone here wants them to join. Especially if they play football.”

Youths looking to study in college next year rejoiced. Football players especially made known their intentions to make a big difference at this revolutionary university, saying that they are forever grateful to Stanford for giving them this opportunity.

“I is goana Standfort, muddafuckas,” 18 year old football player Jonas deMirallas shouted. “I da beee-est in da wurld goana beee-est univernisy!”

“My daddy said I dumbo,” added Mitch McCormack, 21. “Not zero in family mine made colledge. I’m first woohoo woohoo.”

Education experts have also hailed the college for this groundbreaking program, with some adding that it is long overdue.

“We’ve been telling colleges to do this for years,” said Merle Adler, textbook editor. “The possibilities now open to dumb idiots who play sports really really well are amazing. We will see our education system truly shine!”

Other universities around America are scrambling to implement their own version of the Stanford initiative. Among these are Ohio State, Alabama, Florida State, and TCU.

Scott Steiner Disappointed Hulk Hogan Refused to Fight to the Death

Posted on April 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

TMZ reported recently that pro-wrestler Scott Steiner, 52, threatened to kill wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, 61. According to the report, the two were recently involved in a fracas, with Steiner telling Hogan’s wife at an airport that he plans to “kill Terry [Hulk Hogan’s real name]”. Hogan proceeded to call the cops, eliciting an angry response from former ally Steiner.

“I can’t believe the pussy called the cops!” Steiner said. “What kind of a wrestler does he think he is? He used to be a legend but now he’s just soft. This is meant to be a fight to the death.”

Fans of Hogan are equally disappointed, expressing their dismay on Twitter en masse.

@wrestlemaniac: hulk you were my hero but now another person who has let me down

@hardforhogan: i cant belive the news today. hogan is not what he used to be #saddays

@ilovewrestledick: Wrestling is a man’s sport, and it is a man’s responsibility to kill or be killed #steinerforlife

Some have, however, stood up for Hogan.

@reasonablegentleman: The man has a family. He can’t risk his life just for his image

Analysts of the sport have dismissed the sentiment, insisting that a man of his stature cannot afford to be seen as weak.

“Look at him hiding from that chair [being thrown at his face – figuratively speaking],” said promoter Vince McMahon. “He’s cowering beneath his arms, begging for help! And now his colleague could get prison time for doing what a wrestler does. Come on, Hogan. Where is the Hulk?”

A spokesperson for the Hogan family told reporters that Hogan refuses to comment as yet, but that he is meditating like a complete f*****, trying to get over the oh-so-terrible shock of having his life slightly in danger.

Edward Snowden Reveals He Has Seen Every American Man’s Penis

Posted on April 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNKNOWN LOCATION, RUSSIA –

John Oliver, host of HBO satire Last Week Tonight, interviewed NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, in a clip released on Sunday evening. In the course of the interview, Oliver asked Snowden if the NSA had every man’s dick pics. Snowden responded that he himself has personally seen every man in America’s penis, and what he knows is not pretty.

“Every single man in the USA has sent a dick pic at some point in his life, even just to himself,” said Snowden, who is reportedly still in Russia. “And I’ve seen them all. Long, short, fat, thin, ugly and beautiful – I know what yours looks like.”

The interview, organized by Snowden himself, is an apparent attempt to force the government’s hand in granting him immunity from treason charges. Now that the political, legal, and social system in general, are aware of Snowden’s access to the secret of their genitalia, few will be brave enough to try to prosecute him.

“Yup. If you try anything, I’ll tell everyone what an ugly cock you have. In fact, I kept a database of all the dick pics, and I’ll show them to the world!”

Supreme court judge, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, says that they will not be cowed by Snowden’s blackmail.

“You don’t scare us. You think a few dick pics are gonna let you off the hook? You’ve got another thing coming.”

Ginsburg later retracted her comments, after male members of the Supreme Court begged her not to force his hand in releasing the pictures of their male members.

President Barack Obama proudly announced he has nothing to hide.

“I’m proud of what I’ve got, and so should every man be,” Obama wrote. “As Martin Luther King proclaimed, ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color, shape or size of their foreskin, but by the content of their character.”

Apple’s New Range of Emojis Offers Users More Diverse Options In Racism, Sexism

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CUPERTINO, California –

Adults and kids alike are rejoicing at Apple’s long-awaited release of 300 new emojis. iOS 8.3 includes in its Emoji keyboard, a range of skin tones for many of the popular faces and characters, promising much improved diversity in text messagers’ racism. Apart from the now default yellow skin color, holding down the relevant key reveals a range of 5 tones, from white to black. Now, when you snidely refer to a racial stereotype, you can find an icon to go along with it, whether you’re insulting caucasians, blacks, or Asians.

“I’m so excited to liven up my bigotry with a whole new bunch of creative characters!” enthused confirmed racist, Regus McMahon. “I can make fun of Christians and Muslims at the same time, with a Middle Eastern Santa Claus. Or, I can portray blacks wearing a fez or whatever that’s called – proving that blacks are agents of Islamic extremism. I can’t wait to get started.”

But other racists have complained after realizing that their hatred had hit a snag.

“If you send to a smartphone that doesn’t have iOS 8.3, or an Android phone, it comes out as the regular characters. So my racial slurs may end up offending my own people,” moaned Ros Lichtenstein. “I tried to portray a lighter shade of black with the picture of the poop, and it came through to my friends as a white person with a poop face!”

Apple has promised that in the near future all phones will be able to receive the various forms of racism, and that, for now, users can be content that there are more representations of gay couples to spew hate towards.

Free Conversion Therapy Offered to Gays Who Have Been Refused Service By Indiana Businesses

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In an attempt to compensate for individuals and groups affected by the state’s new so-called ‘anti-gay’ law, Indiana is offering free conversion therapy to anyone refused service by a store-owner. Governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, has come under intense pressure from activists to step down from his post in the wake of the controversial ruling, but he hopes that this gesture will prove he and his district are not maliciously trying to discriminate.

“Conversion therapy becomes very expensive, with many sessions required in order for it to work,” Pence said about the therapeutic process which supposedly can make a gay person straight. “Yet we want to show that we’re committed to all our citizens, even the homos. Especially the homos – they’re really lucky to be offered such a treat.”

Conversion therapy took its place center-stage a few months ago, after transgender teen Lellah Alcorn (17) committed suicide, attributing her decision to the damage done to her by the controversial treatment.

“It’s fortunate that we’ve been reminded it exists,” continued Pence. “Personally, I’d forgotten all about it – that it was an option, y’know. But the whole of America is now talking about it, and I think even the president mentioned it recently, so that’s quite something.”

President Obama indeed spoke about the treatment, calling for it to be banned. The statement released by his office read: “We share your concern about its potentially devastating effects on the lives of transgender as well as gay, lesbian, bisexual and queer youth. As part of our dedication to protecting America’s youth, this administration supports efforts to ban the use of conversion therapy for minors.”

Pence continued to assert that “as far as I know, lots of research has been done into the treatment. We’re proud to say that any homos or lesbos who felt offended by so-called discrimination, now have something good in store.”

Pence admitted that the research he referred to has continually proved conversion therapy ineffective and potentially harmful but reminded us, “no pain, no gain.”