Edward Snowden Reveals He Has Seen Every American Man’s Penis

Posted on April 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNKNOWN LOCATION, RUSSIA –

John Oliver, host of HBO satire Last Week Tonight, interviewed NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, in a clip released on Sunday evening. In the course of the interview, Oliver asked Snowden if the NSA had every man’s dick pics. Snowden responded that he himself has personally seen every man in America’s penis, and what he knows is not pretty.

“Every single man in the USA has sent a dick pic at some point in his life, even just to himself,” said Snowden, who is reportedly still in Russia. “And I’ve seen them all. Long, short, fat, thin, ugly and beautiful – I know what yours looks like.”

The interview, organized by Snowden himself, is an apparent attempt to force the government’s hand in granting him immunity from treason charges. Now that the political, legal, and social system in general, are aware of Snowden’s access to the secret of their genitalia, few will be brave enough to try to prosecute him.

“Yup. If you try anything, I’ll tell everyone what an ugly cock you have. In fact, I kept a database of all the dick pics, and I’ll show them to the world!”

Supreme court judge, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, says that they will not be cowed by Snowden’s blackmail.

“You don’t scare us. You think a few dick pics are gonna let you off the hook? You’ve got another thing coming.”

Ginsburg later retracted her comments, after male members of the Supreme Court begged her not to force his hand in releasing the pictures of their male members.

President Barack Obama proudly announced he has nothing to hide.

“I’m proud of what I’ve got, and so should every man be,” Obama wrote. “As Martin Luther King proclaimed, ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color, shape or size of their foreskin, but by the content of their character.”

Huffington Post Admits Headlines are ‘Sometimes Over-the-Top’

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Online news source, Huffington Post, has finally conceded that its headlines are sometimes a little “over-the-top.” The news aggregator, known for click-baiting, exaggerated links which often border on the absurd, have had some of the more sensationalized headlines on the web, including “Jennifer Lawrence Overdoses On The Bronzer,’ ‘Hillary Clinton Accused of Facelift,’ and ‘Crop Circles Created By Wallabies ‘Stoned’ On Opium’

“We sometimes overdo it,” said founder, Arianna Huffington. “It’s all for a good cause though. We want people to read the news. And if we simply wrote, ‘Poisoned Wallabies Leave Marks on Ground’, who on earth would read it? It doesn’t undermine the accuracy of our sources. No, it just makes the goings on in the world more relevant.”

The Huffington Post has come under fire in the past for their dramatized headlines by satirists such as John Oliver. Oliver ‘literally destroyed a pinata’ in 2014, in response to the Post’s constant assurance that he’d ‘destroyed’, ‘decimated’ or ‘hung from a lightbulb in the basement’ various politicians around the world.

“I have great respect for Miss Huffington and her service,” he told viewers. “But she sometimes makes me sound like a bulldozer, when in reality I’m a television personality. I don’t want any more people making that mistake.”

Others, such as comedian Eddie Murphy and writer Jane Austen, have simply stated that SEO-based news is literally destroying what we once called honest media.

“They’re tearing the world of journalism to pieces!” they lamented together. “Whatever shall we do?”

Sources at the Huffington Post, however, indicated that we should not look forward to a change in style. Apparently, “the click-baiting is working. Why would we stop? If anything, results demand more of the same. It’s a new era in journalism – one where satire is less exaggerated than real news.”

Empire News had no comment on their own headlines, except to say “Hey, but we’re not real news.”

Tobacco Companies Begin Shamelessly Stealing Marketing Ideas From ‘Mad Men’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

RICHMOND, Virginia –

After John Oliver’s recent expose on Last Week Tonight portrayed tobacco companies as using evil tactics to promote smoking around the world, said companies are reportedly following up with campaigns shamelessly stolen from hit tv series Mad Men.

“Oliver himself gave us the idea,” said Philip Morris CEO Louis Camilleri. “He referred to a commercial of ours as over the top ‘even for Don Draper’.”

Don Draper is the main character in Mad Men, which follows the lives of morally corrupt, chain smoking, womanizing, misogynistic advertising execs in the early sixties. He is an expert at finding new ways to manipulate viewers into buying products, even when conventional wisdom or emerging health hazards are making them difficult to market.

“Mad Men portrays a very accurate picture of what we do,” said a source at advertising giants, Omnicom Group, on condition of anonymity. “There’s no honesty and integrity in this industry and that’s how we like it. It’s still an old boys club, because we’re the ones who have insight into people’s wants and desires. And we smoke because we know that the health claims are overblown. We couldn’t function any other way.”

Expected campaigns include one which portrays smoking as a manly activity that is done in spite of the danger, another that shows how women can impress their men by smoking with them, and a third which explains how the smell of a cigarrette can cover up the scent of adultery.

Major critics have blasted the “amoral behavior of this murderous industry” but admit, regardless, that they “wish [they] had those guys balls.” After having previewed examples of the upcoming campaigns, they realized that they could actually achieve that, by smoking an assortment of tobacco products.