EDGEWORTH, Florida –
A Florida man has died after he attempted to eat over $10,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, which is approximately 1500 boxes.
John Richards, 43, died after his 87th box, when he suffered both a massive stroke and a major heart attack simultaneously.
“I have no idea what made that fat shit think he could finish off all those boxes, or why he even tried,” said Marlene Richards, 40. “I’ve been married to John for 20 years, and on his ass about his weight pretty much this whole time. When he heard that the Boy Scouts were going to allow girls in, he told me he thought that the cookies would ‘go extinct,’ and he wanted to get all he could. Dumb bastard.”
Police say they had to hire a team of movers to get Richards’ body out of the home, as he “weighed close to that of a grand piano.”
“The thing that really pisses me off is that he cashed out his life insurance policy to buy the cookies,” said Marlene Richards. “What in the hell am I going to do now? Eat the rest of these cookies for the rest of my life? God, I hate that fat lard.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
In a press release from Planned Parenthood, the non-profit company announced today that they would be ceasing to perform any abortions at any of their clinics throughout the country. The reason, they say, is not because of increased pressure from religious groups or right-wing nutjobs, but because they just really are sick of it being their “sole focus” in the media.
“We do so many amazing things for women, and for families in genera,” said Planned Parenthood CEO Marge Brock. “All anyone ever talks about is ‘gee, do you know how many abortions the perform,’ and that sort of thing. Frankly, it’s taking away all the resources of our other services, and we don’t have time to bother.”
Brock says that they will continue to council women on where they can get safe, medically performed abortions should they ask, but they won’t do anything in their facilities.
“We think this change will be great, and allow us to let people know about all the good we do,” said Brock. “Maybe now all these assholes will stop standing outside our offices with badly written signs and hatred, and they can go back to the internet where trolls belong.”
SACRAMENTO, California –
Lawmakers in California have passed a new law through the House that will completely abolish the sale of cigarettes throughout the state, according to reports. The new regulation, which will cost the state billions in tax revenue, will supposedly save upwards of 2 million lives per year.
“We have known forever that smoking is stupid shit, so why are we still selling cigarettes? Why is this still a thing?” said Representative John Lyman – D, California. “There is absolutely no reason to smoke. None. It doesn’t have a single actual benefit. It’s not like smoking weed, which, let’s face it, is awesome. Banning the sale will save lives, and help children not pick up the habit.”
The law will not go into effect until January of 2020, but Lyman says he hopes that many stores stop selling before then.
“I doubt they will, but it really is something we’re hoping the public helps us with,” said Lyman. “I mean shit, this isn’t Alabama. We’re a lot more sophisticated here.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
It all started as a simple thread in a well-known Spanish forum called “forocoches,” where someone posted the following question: “If I eat snot, will my children have green eyes?”
The post went viral around the world generating discussion. That’s why researchers at Harvard University in Boston, Massachusetts decided to study the effect – expecting to find no correlation. Their findings turned out to be extremely surprising.
They concluded that swallowing snot increases 80% the chances of green eyes for the baby.
“Believe it or not, we already knew about some benefits of eating your own boogers,” said Dr. Sam Not, who headed up the research. “It actually has health benefits, including boosting your immune system. What we didn’t know was that it directly correlated to eye color in the fetus of a pregnant woman. Our findings were astounding.”
Unfortunately, the news broke quite quickly, and has since become viral on social media. With doctors advocating for snot eating, many mothers-to-be are asking the really tough questions, such as “does snot contain gluten?” and ”If I’m a vegan, can I eat my snot?”
“Sorry to say, that medical science has not quite caught up to those questions yet,” said Dr. Not.
TOKYO, Japan –
A study from a prestigious Japanese university proves that the size of the penis decreases proportionally according to the number of showers a man takes. The study, which was initialized by Dr. Eypee Frealy, found that in a sample size of over 1000 men of various ages, their penis size would decrease based on the number of showers they took.
“Japanese people are known to have a smaller penises, but we wanted to find out if this was true,” said Dr. Frealy. “Of course, the study proved it was factually correct compared to other countries, but it also means that that the Japanese are the cleanest men in the world – it’s the perfect excuse.”
Dr. Frealy explained that the phenomenon happens due to two separate factors – Washing causes friction that causes erosion at the area, and excessive hydration.
“In one instance, an excessively clean man had completely lost his penis up inside his body. He showered and washed 5 to 6 times each day for a year. His OCD completely caused his penis to disappear,” said Frealy. “It’s a rarity, but it happened.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a breakthrough discovery, officials at the Scientific Lab For Study and Research in Washington, D.C., have developed the world’s first 100% cure for all types of cancer, no matter the region in the body or the severity. Researchers have been working on the drug for more than 20 years in secret, and trials on human subjects were just completed earlier this year.
The drug, which is already approved by the FDA for use in patients, has the largest price tag of any in the history of medicine. A single injection costs $4.7 million dollars, with the course of treatment needing a total of 52 injections over the course of a year. Final cost for the treatment? Nearly $2.5 billion dollars per person.
“We know that it’s really, really high, but frankly, there’s not much we can do about it,” said lead researcher, Mario Jones, M.D. “The ingredients in the drug warrant the cost. We’re actually taking a loss on each injection by several hundred thousand dollars. I cannot speak to, exactly, what is in the drug, because of patent concerns, but let me tell you, it’s really a great deal if you can get your hands on it.”
A large group of concerned parents say they are extremely disappointed in the lack of drugs found mixed into their children’s bags after trick-or-treating this year. They say the issue comes because of the scare-tactic posts and “clickbait bullshit” articles they’ve seen posted on their social media pages.
“Frankly, I was a little upset that Johnny only came home with a bag of candy, and there were no nugs of weed or gummy bears laced with ecstasy mixed in,” said Maria Jones, 38. “With all the articles you see floating around every year, and especially this year, I really expected something good to be in the bag. It’s a huge letdown.”
“Frankly, I blame the junkies for all of this,” said Chris Richards, 29. “We have an increased amount of avid drug users in this city, and so many people are using, there’s just nothing left to give the kids anymore during Halloween. It really sucks. My 7-year-old is pleased as shit about the M&Ms, but where’s my MDMA?!”
City officials say that this Halloween, like every Halloween throughout history, went off without a hitch, and there were no reported razor blades, needles, or drugs given out during the city’s trick-or-treating.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
As most people know, the Daddy Long Legs spider is the most venomous spider on the planet, but their fans are generally not sharp or strong enough to break the skin of most animals, including people. Apparently, no one told Christopher Moore, 32, who was killed after being bitten by the spider on Wednesday.
Moore, who was renovating a new home, was bitten early Wednesday morning, and ended up being rushed to the hospital. Because doctors had never seen the symptoms of a DLL bite before, they had no idea what was causing Moore’s illness. He was pronounced dead only 20 minutes after sustaining the bite.
During testing, doctors were able to discover the cause; it has since been classified as the first fatality from Daddy Long Legs.
“Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Charles Milstead, who treated Moore. “He had very soft skin, I guess. Damn spider bit right through him, and he died in minutes. I’m still flabbergasted.”
PENSACOLA, Florida –
Former President George H.W. Bush was rushed to a Florida hospital after he said he “felt dizzy” on Thursday morning, and doctors say that he may have been suffering from low blood pressure.
“Honestly, he just is getting up there in years, but he’s actually pretty damn healthy considering,” said Dr. Jimmy Clinton. “He came in a little dizzy and lightheaded, but we gave him some IV fluids and a heart pill, and he was laughing and joking, slapping nurses on the ass, having a grand old time.”
Bush has been in and out of the hospital several times in as many months, including a recent scare right after his wife, Barbara, passed away.
“Yes, that was a tough time for us all here,” said Dr. Clinton. “Barbara was an amazing woman, and when George was brought in only days after she died, we thought he might be ready to join her – but instead, he rolled on out of here in only a couple days. Frankly, he is ready to go home this time, too. Yeah, I don’t think he’ll last the weekend here at the hospital. He’ll be home soon.”
NEW BRIGHTON, California –
Tampax, a Proctor & Gamble company based in California, has released the first tampon for post-op transgender women.
“We feel as if our product will be well received amongst the trans community,” said Tampax CEO Carl Smith, a white, cis-gendered, straight male. “We are hoping to bring each trans-woman closer to the full female experience and diminish body dysmorphia triggers altogether. Nothing is more ‘womanly’ than a tampon, and we’re sure these little things will sell very well with the trannies.”
According to Smith, the product will come in three sizes: “Petite” is for the trans-woman who is still working to achieve maximum dilation, yet still wants to produce menses. “Intermediate” provides an average amount of menstruation, “Big Lush” isfor the trans-woman who wishes to enjoy “heavy” menstruation.
“We expect the Big Lush to be the most common seller,” said Smith. “We have done extensive research, and it has shown that guys who are now women are really into sticking things into their fake vaginas, so we’re going with this as a way to satisfy that need.”
The product is expected to hit the market next month.