TOKYO, Japan –
A study from a prestigious Japanese university proves that the size of the penis decreases proportionally according to the number of showers a man takes. The study, which was initialized by Dr. Eypee Frealy, found that in a sample size of over 1000 men of various ages, their penis size would decrease based on the number of showers they took.
“Japanese people are known to have a smaller penises, but we wanted to find out if this was true,” said Dr. Frealy. “Of course, the study proved it was factually correct compared to other countries, but it also means that that the Japanese are the cleanest men in the world – it’s the perfect excuse.”
Dr. Frealy explained that the phenomenon happens due to two separate factors – Washing causes friction that causes erosion at the area, and excessive hydration.
“In one instance, an excessively clean man had completely lost his penis up inside his body. He showered and washed 5 to 6 times each day for a year. His OCD completely caused his penis to disappear,” said Frealy. “It’s a rarity, but it happened.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
It wasn’t until the repairman came about the furnace that a 32-year-old man was discovered dead in his shower. The water had been running, exhausting the hot water in the apartment building, and after his neighbors complained the maintenance man and landlord discovered the cause.
The landlord, Fred Willette, and the repairman, George Glass, both said something smelled foul when they entered the apartment, which they initially thought was garbage.
“It got stronger once we got to the bathroom. Almost threw up when I pulled back that shower curtain at the sight of a naked man,” said Glass.
“Our first priority was restoring hot water to the apartment complex, because we had a lot of complaints, and I don’t want to be known as a slumlord,” said Willette. “So we shut off his water. We then called the police to report his grotesque, water-bloated body.”
Autopsy reports have yet to be released, but building supervisor says the man’s apartment was littered with empty beer bottles and cans, which may explain why he lost consciousness in the shower.
“Guy must’ve just fell asleep drunk, ended up drowning in the shower. Place was a real dump. Littered with Star Wars crap and Magic cards,” said Willette. “Seems like the guy must not have had much to live for. Always paid his rent on time though. We’ll miss him for that reason.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical Center have discovered a link between cleanliness and STD prevention. According to Dr. Richard Long, after sex with a partner of ‘unknown STD status,’ a regular shower using soap, hot water, and regular shampoo and conditioner, can completely wash away any and all sexually transmitted diseases.
“Basically, it’s really quite simple,” said Long. “If you’re happily humping away with some boy or some girl whose sexual history you don’t know, or who you cannot completely trust to be telling you the truth, just immediately go and take a hot shower after intercourse. If you can manage to get into the shower within 2 minutes of orgasm, you are nearly 100% likely to wash away any STDs you may have been at risk in contracting.”
Long says they tested the theory by having men and women have sex with people who were positively infected with genital herpes, Gonorrhea, crabs, and syphilis. Of the 50 men and 50 women who were exposed via unprotected sex during the study, all were told to continue until climax, and then immediately shower. None of the exposed became infected with an STD.
“We aren’t really sure if we had to make them go until they climaxed, but they weren’t getting paid for this study, so we figured they should get something out of it,” said Long. “That said, though, none of our participants left with an STD. Well, the 50 men and 50 women who had an STD when they came in left with one, but that’s not what I meant.”
Long says that they plan to publish the full study in the next issue of Medical Science Yearly. In the meantime, he says that he hopes that young people “continue to abstain as much as possible, just in case.”
Joe Palemro is in an outrage after he was recently cut from his high school football team. The cut was not due to his grades or playing skills, but rather for something he didn’t feel he had to do. Palemro was an outstanding wide receiver for his school and reportedly had a lot of potential, being the first 14-year-old freshman to ever start on the varsity team.
Unfortunately, his playing days may be behind him, unless he transfers schools. Palemro was cut out of the blue after he refused to take a shower with his coach after practice. He claims that his coach told him that he needed to shower after each practice, but Palemro felt uncomfortable that his coach took showers with the players, and says he would normally wait until he got home to freshen up.
“It was weird, and it always was, and finally I got sick of doing it. I understand that in this sport you need to shower with your teammates, because it builds solidarity and all that, and that’s fine I guess, but we shouldn’t have to do this with our coach. He made the showers after practice mandatory as if it was a part of practice or something,” said Palemro.
The school and coach have not commented on the matter, and have side-stepped the accusations completely. The only comment we got from the school was that they were behind their football coach 100%, and what ever he says goes when it comes to running his team.
“We’d sooner let a young, great player get cut from the team than we would question the tactics of Coach Goldsmith,” said school superintendent Richard Head. “He’s brought this school 11 state championships in 15 years, so he’s kind of a God around here. If showering with the boys is what he does, then showering with the boys is what we’ll let him do.”