HIV-Laced Needles Found On Gas Pump Handles In New Jersey

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CARLSON, New Jersey – 

Police have said that they have found several HIV-laced needles on gas pump handles throughout the city of Carlson in northern New Jersey, and that they are asking for everyone to be ‘extra cautious’ when at the pumps.

“We received an initial report of a needle found taped to the underside of a gas pump handle a few weeks ago, and since then, several other instances have occurred,” said police chief Joe Glass. “We are advising anyone who pumps their own gas in the state of New Jersey to be extremely cautious of any sharp objects taped or glued to the pump handle.”

Chief Glass says that they have had the needles found tested for HIV and other STDs, and they have come back positive.

“HIV and AIDs cannot live outside the body for very long, so the people who have been pricked are lucky, and their tests have been negative, but the needles themselves are exposed,” said Chief Glass. “Please, do not pump your own gas if you can help it, and if you do, wear gloves or other protective hand gear.”

Man Says His Cancer Was Cured By Contracting AIDS

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DELUTH, Mississippi – 

John Johnson, 38, was diagnosed with bone cancer in 2013, and was given 6 months to a year to live by his doctors. Today, Johnson is cancer free, thanks to what he says is the “life giver,” otherwise known as AIDS.

“When the doctors told me I had 6 months left, I was a mess,” said Johnson. “After a week or so, I pulled myself together, and I went out on the town. Nay, I went out on the country! I started traveling, and, frankly, I fucked anything that moved. It was a great time, but then I started noticing that I was losing some serious weight. I thought it was the cancer, but I was wrong.”

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Much to his surprise, a return visit to his doctor shows that Johnson had completely beaten cancer, but that he had contracted AIDS.

“It’s crazy to me that all this time, the cure to cancer was right there in front of us,” said Johnson. “It makes total sense where there are no people with AIDS who also have cancer. It seems that the two diseases simply cancel each other out.”

According to his doctors, Johnson will live a life free of cancer, but that his outlook with AIDS is grim; they expect that he will not see the end of 2016.

“Hey, they’ve been wrong before, you know?” said Johnson. “At this point, I’m just going to keep doing my thing, and the good Lord Satan will take me whenever he’s ready to. Not much I can do except enjoy this time!”

Woman Claims Donald Trump Gave Her Baby Herpes During Meet-and-Greet

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Presidential candidates have long been known to kiss babies during meet-and-greets, so much so that it has become common for people to thrust their babies in to the arms of candidates without so much as a word. One woman, though, has plenty to say, as she says her baby contracted herpes after being kissed by Donald Trump during a rally last month.

“I absolutely love the things that Donald Trump says, and I think he’s amazing,” said Irene Jones, 29. “I want my son to grow up in a world where Donald Trump is president, because I don’t pay much attention to things in life, but when someone says, basically ‘fuck the Mexicans,’ I listen. But this – this is too much for me to handle.”

Jones says that last month she attended a Trump support rally, and asked the aging billionaire candidate to kiss her baby.

“I thought that’s what you did with babies when you brought them to rallies,” said Jones. “I thrust little Joe over to Trump, he gave him a little squeeze on the cheeks, then kissed him. Now my damn baby has herpes!”

Doctors say that it’s impossible to tell where the baby would have contracted the disease, but Jones says she knows for sure it was Trump.

“I don’t let many people kiss my baby, and I haven’t had an outbreak in months, so I know it’s not from me kissing him,” said Jones. “It had to be Donald. I’m pretty upset, but in the long run, it’s not a bad thing to know that our future president passed his STDs to my son. It’s kind of an honor, almost.”

New Panties That Prevent Pregnancy and STIs

New Panties That Prevent Pregnancy and STIs

QUEENS, New York –

Dirty sluts, rejoice! Protective panties are coming to a bathroom vending machine or sex shop near you. New Woman’s Choice brand medicated underwear are predicted to replace condoms as the preferred contraceptive method for the one night stand.

You can slip these discreet underwear on up to six hours before intercourse, and they will help protect a woman against pregnancy and many sexually transmitted infections.

The special undergarment is coated in a blend of antibiotics, spermicide, and pesticide, which is up to 99% effective against chlamydia and gonorrhea, pregnancy, and pubic lice.  It must be worn for at least 80 minutes before sex for maximum protection.

It does not prevent the transmission of viruses like herpes or HIV, and is not intended to be used regularly.

Clinical trial participant, Joulee Brown says she is thrilled about the product. “A lot of brothas complain they can’t keep it up with a condom on, and sometimes I’m so drunk I forget the risks. If I’m going out to the club I put the sheer pink panties under my regular ones, and in the morning I don’t have to worry, What happened last night? I can’t wait until I can pick them up at Walgreens.”

New Study Proves Taking A Shower Immediately After Sex Will Prevent STDs

Scientists Say Taking A Shower Immediately After Sex Can Prevent STDs

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical Center have discovered a link between cleanliness and STD prevention. According to Dr. Richard Long, after sex with a partner of ‘unknown STD status,’ a regular shower using soap, hot water, and regular shampoo and conditioner, can completely wash away any and all sexually transmitted diseases.

“Basically, it’s really quite simple,” said Long. “If you’re happily humping away with some boy or some girl whose sexual history you don’t know, or who you cannot completely trust to be telling you the truth, just immediately go and take a hot shower after intercourse. If you can manage to get into the shower within 2 minutes of orgasm, you are nearly 100% likely to wash away any STDs you may have been at risk in contracting.”

Long says they tested the theory by having men and women have sex with people who were positively infected with genital herpes, Gonorrhea, crabs, and syphilis. Of the 50 men and 50 women who were exposed via unprotected sex during the study, all were told to continue until climax, and then immediately shower. None of the exposed became infected with an STD.

“We aren’t really sure if we had to make them go until they climaxed, but they weren’t getting paid for this study, so we figured they should get something out of it,” said Long. “That said, though, none of our participants left with an STD. Well, the 50 men and 50 women who had an STD when they came in left with one, but that’s not what I meant.”

Long says that they plan to publish the full study in the next issue of Medical Science Yearly. In the meantime, he says that he hopes that young people “continue to abstain as much as possible, just in case.”

Trojan Creates New ‘Juniors’ Condom Line For Pre-Teen Market

PRINCETON, New Jersey – Trojan Brand Beings Marketing 'Trojan Junior' Condoms To Pre-Teens

Trojan Condoms announced a new, smaller sized condom yesterday, one they say they are specifically marketing to sexually active pre-teens. The company says they are trying to acknowledge the fact that kids are slipping it in each other at younger and younger ages, and wants everyone to be protected.

“It’s a sign of the world we live in today, children younger and younger are having sex and they have the same risk as adults of contracting STDs and unwanted pregnancies,” said CEO Bill Blass. “We at Trojan see this as a huge potential market, so today we announce our  new line of ‘Trojan Juniors.’ These condoms will live up to the same strict quality assurances as our adult condoms, but will be sized to fit young men in the 7 to 12-year-old range. Plus, each box will have cartoon illustrations showing the correct way to wear, and use, our Trojan Juniors.”

“It’s about time!” Said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Lisa Levin. “This has been a big need for ages. The number of pre-teen pregnancies is going through the roof, as evident by MTV’s new hit show 12 and Pregnant. We at the Planned Parenthood organization will make sure that Trojan Juniors are made readily available at all elementary and middle schools that we can as soon as possible.”

Aside from children, Blass says that Trojan Juniors will be beneficial to ‘smaller’ men, who never had a place to turn when it came to proper fit and size. Larry Lynn, President of the Wee Man Club of Houston, said “I look forward to trying Trojan Juniors, personally. I just pre-ordered a dozen of the ribbed ones. It will be nice to have a condom that doesn’t fall off during sex, because I can assure you, not everything is bigger in Texas.”

“Down the line, the brand may feature licensed characters and celebrities including Spongebob Squarepants and Justin Bieber on the condoms themselves,” said Blass. “We’ve really got a good feeling about the future of this new product, and we’re really looking forward to it all coming together.”

Not to be outdone by a competing brand, Durex announced early this morning a new line of smaller condoms as well, conveniently named Durex Minis. Both brands expect to have their new products to market by December.

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