Sexy Woman Makes Fortune Bottling Her Sweat, Selling It To Lonely Men

sweat

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts – 

A former aerobics instructor, Jasmine Smith, says she has made over $1 million dollars after she started a business bottling her own sweat and selling it online.

“To be honest, I don’t know what the people who purchase it are using it for, and I don’t really ask,” said Smith, 24. “It all started after a private workout lesson I was giving a few years ago. The guy who paid for the lesson pulled me aside after, and asked if he could take my sweaty towels and clothes. I was super hesitant at first, but he paid me $400 for them, so I let it go.”

Smith says after that, the man visited several more times, and began paying higher figures.

“After that, I just sort of took to the internet to see if this was something I could do all the time. Turns out, there’s a big market for the sweat of sexy young women,” says Smith.

Reportedly starting her ‘business’ on the website Reddit, Smith says that she has about 300 “very dedicated” customers who buy her bottled sweat, old towels, workout clothes, and underwear.

“I will keep doing this as long as I can, as long as the men think I’m sexy enough to buy my sweat,” said Smith. “At this rate, I’ve already paid off my college loans, my car, and put down a large payment on a new house. The sweat has really been sweet.”

BFFs Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King Not Speaking Over ‘Underwear Dispute’

BFFs Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King Not Speaking Over 'Underwear Dispute'

MAUI, Hawaii – 

Long time best friends Oprah Winfrey and Gayle are officially on the outs, and Oprah says she will not get over the betrayal.

“All those times she screwed Stedman. I got over it – But stealing my most personal things is something I will not tolerate,” said the billionaire TV personality.

King has apparently admitted to secretly stealing and selling granny panties from Oprah’s underwear drawer for years.

“So here and there I slipped some drawers into my purse? She’s one of the richest women in the word, and the tightwad won’t even consider loaning me a few thousand. So, I found a harmless, quick way to make a grand. I’m sure most people would do the same.”

King says that she has been selling the panties as “worn by Oprah” or “moistened by Oprah” for several years on different websites, sometimes fetching up to $5,000 for a single pair of panties.

“I don’t even want to think about what became of my personals. It’s downright disgusting. Of course, I’m just a little flattered, but it’s also insulting they didn’t go for more than a measly few grand.”

Sources say that Oprah has considered selling her own underwear and bras online to supplement her income now that she has learned of their possible value.

New Panties That Prevent Pregnancy and STIs

New Panties That Prevent Pregnancy and STIs

QUEENS, New York –

Dirty sluts, rejoice! Protective panties are coming to a bathroom vending machine or sex shop near you. New Woman’s Choice brand medicated underwear are predicted to replace condoms as the preferred contraceptive method for the one night stand.

You can slip these discreet underwear on up to six hours before intercourse, and they will help protect a woman against pregnancy and many sexually transmitted infections.

The special undergarment is coated in a blend of antibiotics, spermicide, and pesticide, which is up to 99% effective against chlamydia and gonorrhea, pregnancy, and pubic lice.  It must be worn for at least 80 minutes before sex for maximum protection.

It does not prevent the transmission of viruses like herpes or HIV, and is not intended to be used regularly.

Clinical trial participant, Joulee Brown says she is thrilled about the product. “A lot of brothas complain they can’t keep it up with a condom on, and sometimes I’m so drunk I forget the risks. If I’m going out to the club I put the sheer pink panties under my regular ones, and in the morning I don’t have to worry, What happened last night? I can’t wait until I can pick them up at Walgreens.”

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears’ Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears' Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The underwear Britney Spears wore in her hit 1998 video Baby One More Time recently sold at a charity auction for $60,000, and the buyer has been rumored to be Spears’ ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake’s wife, actress Jessica Biel, has reportedly filed for divorce, citing the purchase of the underwear as the reason. 

“I don’t know why she’s so pissed,” said Timberlake. ”Those panties just bring back good memories of my youth. They were the same panties she wore the first time we did it. I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else owning them. More importantly, though, it was for charity, and I can afford it. Britney and I will always have the past, but Jessica is my future!” 

“On his head! I caught him wearing that skank’s panties on his head!” said Biel. ”I’m having his baby, I’m fat, I’m irritable, and I find him naked singing ‘Hit me baby one more time!’ with those panties on his head in the bedroom. I mean, I know it could have been worse. There are some much more disturbing things he could have been doing with those panties. Oh God – now I’m thinking about all those things! I can’t take this anymore!”

“Justin really wanted those panties, and my sources tell me the bid was only $100 when he upped it to $60,000,” said Hollywood reporter Mitch Mitchell. “The divorce is big news, but no one wants to take sides here. Justin has already been to Vegas twice to see Britney’s show. I think Justin will be just fine, here. As far as Jessica goes, well, I’m sure that if her body bounces back quickly, she’s set for life, anyway. In Hollywood, beauty never has to fade!”

 

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