MIAMI, Florida –
Benjamin Hopes admitting to hitting his roommate, Paul Bard, seven times in the face with a cast iron skillet.
If his defense all he had to say is, “Someone who fucks with your food doesn’t deserve to live. I saw his hands down the back of his pants, scratching his ass, then he went for my chips. I just snapped.” Hopes admits that he then dragged Bard’s body into his bedroom, and went about his normal routine for the day.
“After I had come out of it, I knew I was going to prison, and I was real hungry. So I had a nice fat steak, a couple of beers, and called a couple gals over to party,” said Hopes. Police were called after one guest found the body when searching for a bathroom.
“In retrospect I should have put him in the closet or something,” said Hopes. “I cleaned up the blood from off the floor and the walls, but when she found that bastard it really killed the mood. After that I knew there was no chance I was getting laid, so I called the police and turned myself in.”
QUEENS, New York –
Dirty sluts, rejoice! Protective panties are coming to a bathroom vending machine or sex shop near you. New Woman’s Choice brand medicated underwear are predicted to replace condoms as the preferred contraceptive method for the one night stand.
You can slip these discreet underwear on up to six hours before intercourse, and they will help protect a woman against pregnancy and many sexually transmitted infections.
The special undergarment is coated in a blend of antibiotics, spermicide, and pesticide, which is up to 99% effective against chlamydia and gonorrhea, pregnancy, and pubic lice. It must be worn for at least 80 minutes before sex for maximum protection.
It does not prevent the transmission of viruses like herpes or HIV, and is not intended to be used regularly.
Clinical trial participant, Joulee Brown says she is thrilled about the product. “A lot of brothas complain they can’t keep it up with a condom on, and sometimes I’m so drunk I forget the risks. If I’m going out to the club I put the sheer pink panties under my regular ones, and in the morning I don’t have to worry, What happened last night? I can’t wait until I can pick them up at Walgreens.”
SACRAMENTO, California –
As bikini season approaches, women everywhere are searching for that one flattering bathingsuit that will get them through the season.
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) now warns west-coast shoppers to keep underwear on when trying on bathing suits this season, after two ladies in the Sacramento area have been diagnosed with antibiotic-resistant Gonorrhea after trying on swimsuits. Both women claim circumstances make it impossible that they contracted the mutant strain from sexual activity.
Both had gone swimsuit shopping the week before showing pronounced symptoms of gonorrhea, including a pus-like vaginal discharge and uncontrollable urination.
As this strain of gonorrhea is exceptionally aggressive, the CDC cautions all shoppers when trying on clothes. “Usually gonorrhea is only spread through sexual contact, and it can be cured. This strain is concerning because it is not only resistant to treatment, it has a high survivability. It appears a minute amount of bacteria was able to live on the fabric that came in contact with the source’s vagina. Frankly, that’s frightening.”
CARSON CITY, Nevada –
The Nevada legislature earlier this week removed mandatory STD testing for legalized brothels from the state’s law books. Legislators from both parties agreed there was a “better use” for the money that the state has been providing for medical care for prostitutes.
“The term ‘buyer beware’ comes to mind,” said State Legislator Brian Bowser. “The state has been wasting millions a year on STD testing. It’s high time that we let the free market pay for it – brothels with the clean whores will get the most business. If you’re visiting a brothel, wear a condom for God’s sake, they give them out for free. My father once told me ‘Always assume a whore is a filthy whore.’ My father was a wise man.”
“Well, I’m not a filthy whore,” said Jenny Juggs, employee at the Clydesdale Ranch. “I shower at least 25 times a day. I shower after each client, and I get primped back up. Unless it was just a blowjob, then I just gargle with whiskey.”
“This means whores with STDs will be working at brothels, that’s great!” said Clydesdale Ranch regular Charlie Hutch. “I’m tired of paying full price for so-called ‘clean’ whores; Give me a half-price diseased one any day. I figure there’s nothing left out there for me to catch anyway, believe me, once you start seeing prostitutes, legal or not, there’s not much out there you don’t have. I’ve got all those STD’s already.”
“This is outrageous! I’ve been pushing for Nevada to outlaw prostitution for years,” said Pimp Big Willie. “Legalized prostitution cuts into my business. The girls that failed state STD tests become my best street walkers. Now where the hell am I going to get my bitches? This is bullshit.”