BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Killed During FBI Raid of Her New York Home

CHAPPAQUA, New York – 

According to reports circulating this evening, Hillary Clinton has been killed after an FBI raid on her home went south, and agents were forced to open fire.

“When we entered the home, we anticipated that there would be no issues, no problems,” said FBI raid coordinator Chris Thompson. “What we found was Hillary screaming at us to ‘get the fuck out’ of her house. When we insisted we had a warrant, she brandished a shotgun at us, and my men were forced to put her down.”

More details on the events will be released as they are announced.

President Trump has released an official statement (via Twitter):

Police On The Hunt For ‘Scary Clown’ That Was Filmed Killing Young Girl

clown

NEW ENGLAND – 

Police are hunting for a person who murdered a young girl while dressed as a “scary carnival clown,” and left her body in the woods.

State Police in Maine say that they believe that the “clown” lured the girl to the woods, and set up a camera to film the pre-planned murder. A recording was then anonymously delivered to a police station in Maine, which lead officials to the crime scene.

“This clown is still on the loose, and we do not know where they might be,” said State Police Chief Mario Richards. “We have expanded our search from Northern Maine all the way to Massachusetts. Unfortunately, we do not know who we may be looking for, as the person’s features are completely obscured by clown make-up.”

Police believe that the clown may have murdered at least 4 other people in the same area, as other crimes under investigation have similar patterns, including greasepaint being found on the victims. The latest victim was a young girl, aged 16-19. They have not yet identified the girl, and are currently seeking help from the public.

“This clown is extremely dangerous, as all clowns normally are,” said Chief Richards. “If you see this, or any other clown, please remove yourself from the area and call 911 immediately. This clown has been known to use a knife in its attacks, as well as a sickle. We are unsure if the clown is male or female.”

16 Members Of Japanese Whaling Crew Eaten Alive

A Japanese whaling crew has fallen victim to a dramatic full on assault by a school of killer whales, killing no less than 16 crew members and injuring 12, has reported the Japanese Government this morning.

The crew of the MV Nisshin Maru (日新丸), Japan’s primary whaling vessel and the world’s only whaler factory ship, was forced to leave the deck temporarily as a gas leak was detected within the ship’s processing factory that resulted in the ship being temporarily disabled all while continuing to carry approximately 1,000 tons of oil.

The resulting panic lead members of the ship to jump off the boat before proper emergency procedures were taken and lifeboats had been set to sea.  The swimming crew members were then ferociously attacked by a school of killer whales, that decimated a large number of the crew within moments. “It was horrific” claims Asuka Kumara, a mechanical engineer who witnessed the gruesome  scene. “The water was red with blood, there were bodies everywhere” he recalls in tears.

The incident occurred in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary, near the South Eastern Coast of South Africa, a controversial area to be whaling as a recent international court ruling has ordered the country to ends its whale hunt in the Antarctic. The East Asian nation halted its annual Antarctic whaling mission after the U.N.’s International Court of Justice (ICJ) ruled last march the hunt violated an international moratorium on commercial whaling.

“It seems Japan just doesn’t give a damn about international law” explains environmental activist and spokesman for Greenpeace Canada, James Ben Shahali, based in Vancouver. “The waste of life is always a shame, but the whales are not to blame here, they were only doing what they are born to do: kill for food” he adds.

Some Greenpeace supporters have even celebrated the incident as a victory for the fight against whale hunting worldwide

Japan has slaughtered over 6,000 whales since commercial whaling was made illegal by the International Whaling Commission (IWC) moratorium passed in 1986.

(via: World News Daily Report)

Former CIA Agent Confesses To Killing Marilyn Monroe While On His Deathbed

NORFOLK, Virginia – 

A 78-year old retired officer of the CIA, Normand Hodges, has made a series of astonishing confessions since he was admitted at the Sentara General Hospital on Monday. He claims he committed 37 assassinations for the American government between 1959 and 1972, including the actress and model, Marilyn Monroe.

Mr. Hodges, who worked for the CIA for 41 years as an operative with top-level security clearances, claims he was often employed as a hitman by the organization, to assassinate individuals who could represent a threat to the security of the country.

Trained as both a sniper and a martial arts expert, Mr Hodges says he also has significant experience with more unconventional methods of inflicting harm upon others, like poisons and explosives.

marilyn

Mr. Hodges swears he remembers vividly, each of the assassinations he committed for the CIA.  He claims that all 37 of the murders he committed on the American soil, were ordered by his commanding officer, Major James “Jimmy” Hayworth.

The elderly man claims he committed his assassinations between August 1959 and March 1972, at a time when he says “the CIA had its own agenda“. He says he was part of an operative cell of five members which carried out political assassinations across the country. Most of their victims were political activists, journalists and union leaders, but he also claims that he killed a few scientists and artists whose ideas represented a threat to the interests of the United States.

Mr. Hodges says that Marilyn Monroe remains unique among his victims, as she is the only woman he ever assassinated. He claims he has no regrets, however, as he says that she had become a “threat for the security of the country”  and had to be eliminated.

“We had evidence that Marilyn Monroe had not only slept with Kennedy, but also with Fidel Castro,” claims M. Hodges. ” My commanding officer, Jimmy Hayworth, told me that she had to die, and that it had to look like a suicide or an overdose. I had never killed a woman before, but I obeyed orders… I did it for America! She could have transmitted strategic information to the communists, and we couldn’t allow that! She had to die! I just did what I had to do!”

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Marilyn Monroe died between midnight and 1 AM, on August 5, 1962. Mr Hodges claims he entered her room while she was sleeping and injected her with a massive dose of chloral hydrate (a powerful sedative), mixed with Nembutal (a short-acting barbiturate), causing her death.

The 78-year old man was placed under custody by the FBI, which is taking Mr Hodges’ confession very seriously and has opened an investigation to verify his allegations. The investigation might be very complicated, however, as very few written files are available on such secret activities and most of the actors implicated in the various cases are already dead.

The most important witness in the story after Mr. Hodges himself, his alleged commanding officer, Major James Hayworth, died of a heart attack in 2011. Two of the other three “CIA assassins” identified by Mr Hodges are also dead, and the last one, Captain Keith McInnis, went missing in action in 1968 and is presumed dead.

11-Year-Old Boy Accidentally Kills Mother With Mushrooms; Sentenced To Death Penalty

FREEMONT, Nevada – 

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

Premature Baby Dies After Parents Try To Put Her Back Inside Mom

baby

GARDNER, Indiana – 

A young couple, Mark and Jessica Grover, both 24, were arrested after they called 911 to report that their baby had died. The couple had given birth at home only a few hours before, and accidentally killed their child after trying to insert her back inside Jessica’s vagina.

“This couple knew that their baby wasn’t due for another 6 weeks, and they panicked, thinking that something was wrong,” said police chief Mario Ruben. “Instead of calling for an ambulance, they tried to push the baby back up inside of the mother, causing severe brain and spinal damage to the baby. Unfortunately, it died before paramedics arrived.”

Chief Reuben says that both parents are being charged with negligent homicide, and that they are still in custody.

“I know that people are having children younger and younger these days, but these parents had been doing everything right – going to their appointments, mom was eating healthy, and the baby just came early, and they didn’t know what to do,” said chief Reuben. “It’s extremely sad that this happened, but a crime was committed none-the-less. Please, if you’re having a baby, do not try to put it back. It’s not a Thanksgiving turkey. They will come when they come, and that’s one oven you can’t put something back into.”

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’

dutchoven

DARWIN, West Virginia – 

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.

Teen Killed In ‘Dodge The Bullet’ Game

dodge

DALLAS, Texas – 

A 15-year-old teen was killed last weekend after he and his friends decided to play a new game they had seen online, “dodge the bullets.” The game, which is taking off in viral YouTube videos, has a person stand near a wall or other solid object while friends take turns firing shots at them from pistols or rifles.

“In all my years as a police officer, this is probably the dumbest trend I’ve ever seen kids take part in,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “Why they think this would be a good idea, or even possible for a long period of time, is beyond me.”

The goal of the game, according to the internet, is to not flinch for as long as possible before jumping out of the way. Most of the time, the “dodger” leaps out of the way well before the shot is fired. In this case, 15-year-old Caleb Matthew waited a little too long to dodge.

Criminal filings could be underway for Matthew’s friends, who his parents say owned the gun, and left it unlocked in their home. The Matthews family says they also plan to sue the other families of the teens involved. Those names have not been released due to the age of the teens.

Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

fogle

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

trunk

MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

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