Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

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Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

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