Convicted Pedophile and Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Endorses Donald Trump

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LITTLETON, Colorado – 

Donald Trump picked up an endorsement today from former Subway pitchman and convicted pedophile Jared Fogle that the presidential candidate might not have wanted.

Fogle is currently serving a 15-year sentence in the Federal Correctional Institution, Englewood near Littleton, Colorado. Sources say Fogle, a self-described political junkie, has been following the presidential campaign closely from prison and rooting for his dear friend, Donald Trump, to win the Republican nomination.

In 1998, Fogle reached out to Trump as a way to gain money to help start a photography business called Happy Kids Photography. They had allegedly met on an online photography forum and “hit it off.”

After Jared was discovered by Subway, Trump often gave the popular pitchman free advice when it came to negotiating contracts with Subway, and even unofficially helped architect the Jared Foundation.

Trump occasionally vacationed with Fogle, travel records logging trips to places such as Thailand and Cambodia. They also enjoyed spending time together, Trump often spending the weekend at Fogle’s home where the men reportedly “enjoyed talking” and “playing checkers.”

Fogle sent this Trump endorsement letter through his lawyers for public release:

Dear American voters:

Donald Trump is one of the most honorable men I’ve ever known. After I was arrested, he provided much needed emotional support and prayer. He prayed for me to find comfort in my time of emotional chaos, and I believe his prayers worked and got me through the legal hell I was in.

I know he continues to pray that I will not be hurt in prison and I think Don is part of why I’m doing so well. I’m even thriving!

A true man of God is what this country needs, one who isn’t afraid to Make This Country Great Again, and that’s what Donald Trump will do. He cares for us all, even those that society has deemed unworthy. That is what a good man does, and that is what a good president should do.

Please cast your vote for Donald Trump.

With my deepest sincerity,

Jared Fogle

The Trump campaign has not responded to the endorsement.

Subway Employee Who Drugged Police Officer’s Drink Also Ejaculated Into Spicy Mayo Sauce

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

A sandwich shop employee accused of drugging a police officer’s drink earlier this month has admitted he also contaminated the spicy mayo sauce with his semen.

It’s been more than a week since 18-year-old Tanis Ukena was arrested.

Investigators told The Associated Press they didn’t feel comfortable pressing charges until lab results are returned to confirm what was in the drink.

Initial tests indicated meth and THC were present in the beverage.

Ukena denies putting drugs in the officer’s drink, although he did admit to masturbating into the spicy mayo, after police officers said they would find out the truth in labs, and he “better fess up.”

Ukena says that he did not use the spicy mayo when making officer’s sandwich and the mayonnaise-masturbation incident was unrelated.

“I was just bored and unscrewing the cap, I thought – ‘maybe that would feel good.’ I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Also my lawyer has advised me to say I respect police and any use of force by police is justified in my book.”

Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

Jared Fogle Verdict Overturned On Appeal; Former Pitchman To Get Death Sentence In Child Molestation Case

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Jared Fogle, the former Subway pitchman who was accused and now convicted of having sex with children, has reportedly received the death sentence for his crimes.

“He was originally only going to get 15 years in prison, with another 10 years of probation afterwards,” said Joe Goldsmith, Esq., a lawyer arguing for the prosecution. “We felt that was not enough. Everyone knows that old saying, ’15 will get you 20?’ Well in this case, 15 only got him 15, and we didn’t feel that was harsh enough. On appeal, we won the verdict we were seeking.”

After a new court hearing, Goldsmith says that they were able to secure a harsher verdict, and that Fogle will now face the death penalty.

“It’s probably, possibly, just a little more harsh that you’d think it should be, because the punishment is supposed to fit the crime, but hell – we got people in jail for life with no parole for smoking weed, and that’s some serious punishment-not-fitting-the-crime bullshit right there,” said Goldsmith. “If those people can get screwed like that then, hey, no reason we can’t screw Fogle, right? Not that he hasn’t been screwed enough by those poor children.”

Lawyers for Fogle are appealing the new verdict.

Jared Fogle Makes Deal To Serve His Prison Time At Juvenile Detention Center

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ZIONSVILLE, Indiana –

Jared Fogle, the disgraced former pitchman for Subway sandwiches who recently admitted to having sex with girls as young as 9, has been charged with federal crimes of paying for and engaging in sexual acts with children, as well as receiving and distributing child pornography. Along with paying a reported $1.4M to 14 victims, Fogle will also be required to serve time in prison, although lawyers for the once-loved sandwich slinger say his time will be served quite differently.

“Mr. Fogle has made arrangements through the District Attorney’s office to do his mandatory prison time at an undisclosed juvenile facility,” said Fogle’s attorney, Joe Goldsmith. “Part of his plea deal was that he not be sent to a regular federal penitentiary, as he fears for his life.”

According to Fogle, he wouldn’t last “one day” in a standard federal prison.

“I may have committed these crimes, but I’m paying for it from my own wallet,” said Fogle. “I’d rather not have to pay for it with my life, which is what would happen if I went to a regular prison. I’d either have to be in protective custody 24/7, or I’d be taking footlong dicks and six inch shanks left and right. Doing my time at a facility for juveniles, I’ll be better able to protect myself from harm.”

Goldsmith says that a plea deal is being entered soon, and that Fogle will immediately after turn himself in to authorities to begin serving his time. Fogle has reportedly agreed to serve 5 years in exchange for his plea, but authorities are pushing for 11 years. Either way, because of his quasi-celebrity status, he’s bound to be out in 18 months.

New Disgusting Secrets Emerge from Jared Fogle’s Basement

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INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – 

The ongoing investigation of former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle continues to dredge up shocking new evidence, which promises to bring even more legal trouble for the extremely disgraced pitchman.

According to recently released FBI documents, police investigators found a false wall hidden in Fogle’s basement. Inside the secret room were hundreds of bags of Quizno’s sandwich wrappers. Most disturbingly, many of the wrappers were from Quizno’s kid’s meals.

While Subway did not have the foresight to include a clause in Fogle’s contract regarding statutory rape, they did have a clause that dictated Fogle’s eating habits, including that Subway be the only sandwich chain he was allowed to frequent. Lawyers for the sandwich giant will have cause of action for a lawsuit if they can prove Fogle was the one to buy the Quiznos sandwiches.

Attorney Abraham Bergen says after the settlements are granted to the underage victoms, Subway will likely seize any assets Fogle has left. “You could say Subway is the real victim in all of this,” said Bergen. “They spent years promoting their sandwiches with Fogle as the face of the company. No doubt they’ll be there to pick the bones and take whatever’s left. I’d advise them to move fast so there is something to take, but it’s a sensitive situation.”

The ‘Disturbing’ Images FBI Investigators Found on Subway Spokesman Jared Fogle’s Computer

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ZIONSVILLE, Indiana – 

Subway Restaurants recently cut ties with their longtime spokesman Jared Fogle after FBI raided his Zionsville, Indiana home, confiscating computers, DVDs, and other media devices. The investigation into Fogle comes after an executive in his Jared Foundation was arrested this past May. Although police and FBI investigators have said that Fogle has not been charged with any crime, what they found on his computers, they say, was “extremely disturbing” and “shocking.”

“Everyone knows Jared from his many Subway commercials, and we all know the story of how he lost tons of weight, and kept it off, by eating Subway sandwiches,” says investigator Ronald King. “Sadly, it appears that Mr. Fogle has kept a deep, dark secret. Although we didn’t find anything illegal in his possession, what we did find were many pictures that will certainly shock Subway restaurants, Mr. Fogle’s family and friends, and his fans.”

King says that investigators discovered thousands of images, videos, and stories relating to cakes, pies, desserts, and other “junk food.” Many of the visuals were of half-eaten bags of potato chips, greasy cheeseburgers dripping with delicious fats, and several videos that simply showed people eating pizza or other fatty, yet scrumptious, foods.

“It’s clear that Fogle has a serious problem, and he was dealing with it the only way he knew how,” said King. “I, personally, find it admirable that he was able to constantly be viewing these terrible, artery-clogging images, and still maintain his slightly wimpy but no-longer-fat figure. These excessive images of food were beyond terrifying. They bordered on obsession, and I hope now that Fogle can finally just go out and get himself a damn burger and fries without Subway breathing down his neck.”

Below are several images that investigators say they discovered on Fogle’s many, many hard drives and burned DVDs. Be warned, the images are graphic in nature, and may leave you feeling extremely hungry.

 

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