WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Enters Agreement to Purchase New Wrestling Startup AEW

STAMFORD, CT –

WWE CEO and Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he had met with Tony Khan, the owner of new wrestling promotion AEW, and that the two had agreed on a purchase amount, with McMahon becoming sole owner.

“When I saw the kind of wrestling that these guys were doing, the matches they were putting on, the crowd reactions – I knew that this was something big, and I had to get involved,” said McMahon. “If I didn’t try to take control of this company now, they’d likely have overshadowed the WWE within a few years, maybe less. I am too old for more Monday Night Wars.”

McMahon is referencing the fan’s term for the ratings battle between the WWE and the then Ted Turner owned WCW. During the mid-90s, the two companies went head to head on Monday evenings in prime time TV slots. When WWE eventually took control of the ratings, McMahon bought out WCW and folded the entire promotion.

“When McMahon approached me, I laughed at first,” said Tony Khan, a billionaire whose family has long ties in the world of sports. “But he came in with a price that was just outrageous, and I would have been a fool to say no. Yes, I’m worth upwards of 4 times what the WWE is worth, but I didn’t get that way by being a fool. I’m a wrestling fan, and I love what we’re doing, but WWE can take what we’re doing and amp it up globally overnight.”

On news of the purchase, AEW’s Executive Vice President, Cody Rhodes, simply said “Fuck. Not again.”

NFL’s Carolina Panthers Officially Changes Their Name to Carolina Black Panthers

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – 

The NFL has officially signed off on a name change request from the Carolina Panthers franchise, allowing the team to move forward with becoming the Carolina Black Panthers. The name request was submitted during the off-season, with NFL officials deliberating on the option.

“We decided to let them go ahead and change the name, as well as the logo,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We understand their reasoning – after all, the team is made up of predominantly African-American players – and we cannot see any reason why this name change would cause any issues.

The new Black Panthers say that they will finish the season with their current attired and logos, and plan for a switch during the 2019 season.

“We are very happy with the decision to allow this,” said team owner Mario Lewis. “I mean, I’m not a black guy, but I think it’s a very powerful statement. I know tons of black people, some of my best friends are black. So this is my way of supporting them, and supporting this team. We really hope that this will bring the fans together, and show them that singular differences are always the most important.”

World Cup Has Lowest Ratings in History as People Discover How Much Soccer Sucks

RUSSIA – 

As the World Cup championship gets underway, the TV ratings for the sport have dwindled to record lows, with only approximately 1 out of every 3 million homes tuning in. Despite marketing the event all over the world, FIFA has said they are “really upset” by the numbers.

“We depend on people to watch the games from home, because the ad revenue is what we live off of the next 4 years before the next Cup,” said spokesman Ron Pele. “The ad revenue this year, we’re…well, it’s beans and franks the next four years. No one is watching.”

“Honestly, I only ever watched the Cup because it’s all the was on before I had cable,” said former soccer fan Mario Bluth. “Now that I have Netflix and stuff, why the hell would I watch soccer? They’re a bunch of pussies.”

Numbers outside of the United States and Canada have also dwindled to record lows, with FIFA saying that it’s possible they may need to cancel TV presentation of future events.

“This TV time isn’t cheap, and sponsors are calling us with threats to pull ads left and right,” said Pele. “This is really, really bad for the sport of soccer. Or Football. Whatever you call it. Who cares?”

EA Sports To Make President Trump Cover Star of PGA Tour 2018

pga

LOS ANGELES, California – 

At a press conference at the White House today, President Trump announced that he would be the next cover star for EA Sports’ PGA Tour video game series. The series will be branded as Donald Trump’s PGA Tour.

From The Hard Times:

“This is a tremendous honor that I’ve bestowed upon myself,” said Trump to a crowded White House press room. “I’ve got the best clubs, I play on the best courses, I’m like, really great at golf.  Putting the Trump brand on this game is going to boost sales, bigly.”

Casey Patrick, a lead developer on PGA Tour 18, nervously echoed the president’s sentiments while flanked on each side by Secret Service members.  

“After the Secret Service kicked our door in, slammed my head on a desk, and forced me to sign a contract that appeared to be written in crayon by President Trump himself, we were thrilled to put him on the cover,” Patrick told a group of reporters.

Trump is reportedly also in talks to be on the cover of the next MADDEN video game, and says he is “considering” whether or not to appear on the cover of WWE 2019.

NFL Players Put In Protective Custody After Man Threatens To ‘Kill All Those Kneeling Sons of Bi*ches’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

More than 40 NFL players from 8 different teams have been put into protective custody after the commission received an anonymous threat stating a planned attack against people who took a knee during the National Anthem. The threat, which was received via mail, has been confirmed as genuine by the FBI.

“We have received information that demanded our immediate attention and action, and we have worked quickly to protect key targets in the NFL,” said FBI spokesman Carl Lore. “We have determined that the threat is real, and that we needed to place 43 of the players into protective custody, along with their immediate families.”

For their safety, the players and teams were not mentioned specifically, but it won’t be long before fans start to find out who is missing.

“Unfortunately, many of these players have upcoming games, and they will not be able to play,” said Lore. “We have worked very closely with the NFL on this, and they have been very cooperative in providing their full assistance.”

There was no official comment from the NFL at the time of this writing.

 

Louisville Coach Rick Pitino Just Used His Contract Buyout To Purchase The Playboy Mansion

pitino

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Louisville coach Rick Pitino, one of the winningest coaches in NCAA history who has won 770 games and two national championships and made seven Final Four appearances while also weathering multiple scandals, was put on unpaid leave Wednesday, after he was accused of secretly partnering with Adidas to funnel nearly $100,000 to the family of an elite prospect.

In response, Pitino asked for his release, which would entail a full contract buyout, ringing it at over $40 million dollars. His first purchase? The Playboy Mansion.

“I’ve wanted to buy the mansion for as long as I can remember, that grotto is a dream,” said Pitino. “Hugh Hefner was a legend, and a personal idol. He was smart, business savvy, and could – and did – have every girl he ever wanted. His death is tragic, but thankfully, his death has granted me my ultimate wish…to become the new owner of his Playboy Mansion.”

In 2015, a self-proclaimed escort named Katina Powell claimed in a tell-all book that she had been part of over 20 parties set up by the school for basketball players. The parties would bring in prostitutes to engage in sex acts with recruits to entice them to attend the college. At the time, Pitino had said he had “no knowledge” of the parties, but his most recent purchase may indicate otherwise, at least in the eyes of detractors.

“No, I definitely didn’t know of any sex parties at the school, or for players,” said Pitino. “All I know is what I heard afterwards. I wasn’t even invited, which is a total drag. I will tell you that I know of a lot of upcoming sex parties, you can bet on that. I won’t say when, but everyone absolutely knows where.”

Pitino has been the head coach in Louisville for almost 2 decades, but says that being put on leave might be the best thing that ever happened to him.

“I was upset at first, but in retrospect, sports aren’t forever. They’re not tangible, they’re nothing. They’re just in the now,” said Pitino. “You know what’s forever? The Playboy Mansion. That’s forever. It’s legendary. I can’t wait to move in and try it out…if you know what I mean.”

The sale is expected to go through within the next few weeks, as soon as Pitino’s contract payment is processed.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Steps Down After Controversy Over National Anthem

goodell

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that he will step down from his position in light of the recent events surrounding players on several teams kneeling or sitting during the National Anthem. President Trump recently blamed Goodell for the behavior of the players, and said that he “should be ashamed” of himself.

“I am extremely ashamed, and I am embarrassed by the behavior of these players,” said Goodell. “President Trump is absolutely right that this is my fault. I allowed this to happen, and the players should be fired – but that’s not my decision to make anymore, as I am stepping down from this position.”

Goodell says that it isn’t just the recent events that lead him to this decision.

“Did you see the number of towels, t-shirts, and flags with my picture on it? Me, with a clown nose,” said Goodell. “I honestly just couldn’t take it. I ordered all broadcasters to not mention it at all, but there must have been 60 to 70,000 people wearing the shirts at the Patriots opener. It’s just too much pressure, and I’m done.”

The NFL has not yet said who they play to put in charge at this time, as they were “completely blindsided” by Goodell’s departure.

President Trump Tweets That NFL Players Who Kneel in Protest Are ‘Secret Gays’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump made a controversial tweet earlier today, commenting that any player in the NFL who kneels during the National Anthem are secretly gay, and that they’re just on their knees to think about “sucking all the dicks.”

The tweet has been reposted and favorited tens of thousands of times, with many people commenting that they’re in 100% agreement with the President.

tweet

“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of these NFL bitches thinking they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, act however they want, and get away with it,” said Freddie Jones, 34, from Atlanta, on Facebook. “I’ve  been a Falcons fan my whole life, but I’m paying them to play a game when I buy a ticket, not kneel down like a bunch of fags. Stand up for our anthem, Goddamnit.”

No official comment has been made by the NFL at the time of this writing, and President Trump said that he would respond to “any one of those dick gazers” that responded in dissent.

‘Mr. America’ To Return To WWE After 15 Years in Retirement, Wants to ‘Drop the Leg’ on Donald Trump

mr america

STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

After near 2 decade absence, patriotic muscleman Mr. America will be making a surprise return to WWE television, with an announcement that he would be headlining a match on Monday Night Raw, the company’s flagship show.

Wearing his signature stars-and-stripes mask, with wispy blonde hair draping his neck and a fu-manchu mustache flanking his chin, the leather-skinned wrestler burst onto the scene at a WWE event in 2003. He vowed to fight for what was right in America; to fight for the rights of every man.

Mr. America’s return seems to conspicuously coincide with what is being known as one of the worst Presidents in the history of this country, and many are thinking that Mr. America is here to truly make America great again.

“Well let me tell you something, brother,” Mr. America said, “Mr. America is going to run wild all over the WWE, and if I end up running wild all the way to the White House, and I drop a leg on some tanned jabroni, well you know I’ll have a hell of a time doing it, brother. Whatcha gonna do, when Mr. America goes WILD on you, Donald Trump?!”

President Trump is a WWE Hall of Fame inductee, who is close, personal friends with company owner Vince McMahon and his family.

Mr. America is scheduled to appear next Monday on RAW.

BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

OJ

LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

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